Alright, now, growing up in the Midwest, there was nothing better than having a snow day Back in my days schools wouldn’t close down for shit! There’d be 3 feet of snow on the ground, you’d have Wampus walking around the streets Snatching up kids left and right *RRRAARGHH*
It definitely wasn’t like it is now Where schools close down for every little itty-bitty reason “Holy hell, it’s cloudy outside!” “Close the schools down! Get everybody in the basement, no school today!” No, we weren’t that lucky Our school superintendent didn’t give a shit about us!
“Uhm, sir, you think we should close the schools down today?” “Close the schools?! Why the fuck would we do something like that?!” “Uhm.. well.. three children died of exposure yesterday” “Ah, who the hell cares?! They’re only first-graders, nobody gives a damn about them!” “Keep the schools open!”
So on a rare occasion that our school did have a snow day, it was a pretty big deal! You’d check the news early in the morning, see your school’s cancelled “Ah, hell yeah! I ain’t doin’ shit today!” “Gonna eat some toaster strudels, play some Nintendo 64”
“Hell, I might even hang out with my mom today, and watch The Young & The Restless, who knows!” I look out the window, Michael’s already out there, shoveling the sidewalk His stepdad’s out there, watching him with a beer in his hand “Ah, put your back into it, you, woman!”
“This is your punishment for clogging the goddamn toilet over and over again!” Now, on snow days, all the kids in my neighbourhood would usually meet up at Williams Park to go sledding Even though Williams Park wasn’t known for their big sledding hills They only had one dinky little 12-footer *Whhoooppp* “Wooow! Whoppty doo!”
But what Williams Park did have Was a bunch of homeless people, hanging out in the woods Doing whatever homeless people in the woods do Now, why our parents would let us go to the park in the first place, I’m not sure “Have fun at the park!”
“And remember, if any homeless guys ask you to sit on their lap..” “Just say ‘no thanks, maybe next time!'” So we’re out there, we got our sleds Michael shows up last minute, with, like a.. garbage can lid
“My stepdad said he’d buy me a real sled, when I stop using so much goddamn toilet paper” The homeless guys are watching us from a distance They’re licking their lips and shit “Oohh, I bet I can snatch up that kid in the orange coat, I bet nobody would miss his obnoxious ass!”
Michael’s over there totally oblivious, sitting on his ass, eating snow by the handful “Yuummyyy, this is premium snow!” “Michael, your ass is gonna get dysentery, eating that goddamn dirty snow!” “I DON’T CARE, I AM A DIRTY LITTLE BASTARD!”
Now, there’s only so much fun you can have, sledding down a little 12-foot hill So we start doing other shit We’d be out there, making snow angels, like a bunch of kids from the 1920’s “Michael, why does your angel look like that?” “Huh! Maybe I did something wrong..”
We’d be out there, pissing our names in the snow, just for the hell of it Michael’s able to write all the names of the Ninja Turtles Thanks to all the goddamn snow he’s been eating! David’s over there, blasting people in the face with snowballs
“Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?! I’m a proper ball, bitch!” Well, kid like Jonathan doesn’t take it too kind getting smoked in the face with a snowball So he starts throwing rocks at us Well, now this is no longer a gentlemen’s game of snowball fight This is all-out warfare!
We’re taking cover behind trees “Okay, we’re gonna do a side maneuver and open up their left flank!” “Michael, you’re on point!” “Wait a minute, where the hell is Michael at?!” “HEY YOU, GUYS!” “This snow on the dumpster tastes the best! Come and try it!” “God damn it, Michael, get your ass over here!”
“Hang on, this dirty old man said he’s gonna give me a snickers, if I sit on his lap” *Whhhooossh – Smack* “Oh my God! They killed Michael!” [What a reference! :D] “Ah, you bastards! I wanted to kill Michael!” We’d get kids getting hit with sticks and shit David’s throwing icicles like a javelin
“Hha-Hhhaaah! YOu Got Me gOOD!” There’s people in the park, walking their dogs, staring at us in shock “What in the.. freakkity-frrrety Prince Junior these kids doing?!” *Smack, Smack!* “We’re having a snowball fight!” *Smack, Smack!*
By the time we get back to our neighbourhood that night, we’re all beat-up, we got black eyes and shit We’re taking Michael’s ass back to his house in a gurney “Holy hell! What happened to him?!” “Uhh.. nothing, he just lost a snowball fight, that’s all”
“Yeah, well, good! That’s what he gets for using all the goddamn toilet paper!” “Had to wipe my ass with a coffee filter this afternoon, thanks to him!” “You can wheel his broken ass right up to his room, he’s grounded!” https://brewstew.com Special thanks to: [These wonderful people] & All the other patrons! https://patreon.com/brewstew
Https://shop.makeship.com/collections/brewstewfilms https://facebook.com/brewstewcom https://twitter.com/brewstewfilms https://patreon.com/brewstew
source
