So is everybody excited for Father’s Day on Sunday oh yeah that’s right I always try to avoid Father’s Day now every year I used to take my dad to the horse track now we just go rooting around for bargains at the mall oh this is Darling
Isn’t it uhhuh Glenn do you think you’d see my bra through this blouse I don’t know is it too sheer I don’t know what that means Glenn do you think it’s too sheer I said I don’t know Hey Joe you know come to think of it I met
Cleveland’s dad and my dog slept with quag my’s dad but I don’t know anything about your dad yeah is he still with us or is he living in heaven with Jesus Christ G save that for your black friends my dad’s out there somewhere but I haven’t spoken to him in years what
Really sorry Cleveland that was mean of me I already forgave you but Joe why haven’t you seen your dad well he’s a good guy but we just drifted apart it’s no big deal it’s a very big deal my dad’s a stinking drunk who lives in island but you got a perfectly good dad
You can’t waste that you got to call him up for Father’s Day Peter I don’t even know where he is who’s ready for another beer hey Cleveland weren’t you supposed to buy the next round that’s a shame Joe never sees his dad I know hey you know
What Joe’s our friend he should be with his dad on Father’s Day and we’re going to track him down yeah that’s a good idea Peter Well I like helping people out that’s why I was such a good breakup rodeo clown I’m just going to go ahead and tell you I’ve been sleeping with
Your sister what hey now hey now over here over here over here hey now hey now over here over here here hey now hey now over here over here oh and now that I’m inside the barrel he gave you and your sister HPV hey want to see something check out how hot my last patient was oh they look fake yeah who cares okay according to this projection Stewie’s adult height will be 5’1 what 5 fo one wow Dr hotman that’s really short what I mean I suppose it’s fine if he’s going to die
At 14 is is there anything on there about that well we learned in medical school that the short ones do go faster cuz they smell more farts than the rest of us this is terrible I can’t be short I’ll be an outcast like Rudolph the uncircumcised reindeer look Rudolph it’s
Not me all right it’s Dasher he’s been complaining and he is the one who has to look at it all night I don’t know Mrs Claus says it’ll decrease my sensitivity I’m I’m sorry why are you talking to my wife about this Okay you guys it’s all set I found Joe’s dad on the internet and he just emailed me to say he’s coming tomorrow all right great but remember this is a surprise for Joe why you looking at me because you’re terrible at keeping secrets no
I’m not I’m great at it like when I was an OBGYN well I got the results of your ultrasound and I got some news for you wait wait wait we don’t want to know if it’s a boy or a girl oh okay well it’s not
Breathing hey guys uh uh so Joe big day tomorrow huh Father’s day going to be home all day especially at 11:30 a.m. Peter what I didn’t say anything about his dad my dad what about my dad well now to Quagmire ruin the surprise we found you dead you what that’s right
He’s coming tomorrow for Father’s Day you shouldn’t have done that Peter my father’s not going to be happy to see me sure he will just get him one of them Father’s Day cards what plays a song dad to the Bone I’m dad pretty much anything
With bad you turn it to Dad wait why wouldn’t your dad be happy what is he a jerk or something no it’s just that ever since I was a little kid he was constantly making fun of handicap people really yeah my whole life my my dad would ridicule anyone in a wheelchair it
Was all hey Spaghetti legs and Hey Ron legs and uh hey angel hair legs he was a sales manager at ronzone wow then it must have been hard for him to accept when you were paralyzed that’s just it my dad doesn’t know I’m handicapped I never told him I never I never
Told a Joe don’t cry it’s going to make me cry I cry like Snoopy I can’t believe you invited my father without telling me you guys got to get in touch with him and tell not to come it’s too late Joe he’s already on his way he is yeah we got him tickets on kayak it is a nightmare itinerary it was
Like 80 bucks but he has four stops two of them are in Houston what am I going to do my dad has no idea I’m paralyzed well there’s only one thing we can do we’ll just figure out a way to hide your handicap from your dad hide the fact
That I can’t walk Peter that’ll never work it’s worth a try come on Joe don’t be so negative you’re like a Boston fortune cookie I don’t know numbnuts maybe buy a garage and fill it with hockey equipment huh let’s see what my lucky numbers are screw you math dick well that wasn’t
Very helpful at all there you go Stewie I know clothes shopping always cheers you up I can’t believe I’m only going to be 5’1 oh come on look at the bright side you’ll be in the front row of every class picture holding that little plaque you suck what
If go drink out of the fountain I’ll text you when I’m done I know you’re trying to be rude but I am going to do that because I find it enjoyable excuse me I was looking at this sorry I’ve made a decision to go for that shirt and when that happens it
Is on Full Throttle man pow well you’re an energetic little fellow I guess your mommy lets you drink coffee huh whoa whoa I I don’t put stimulants in my body you know something you kind of remind me of Tom Cruz boom you got me man wow Tom Cruz you look um bigger in
The movies what are you doing here oh I get all my clothes from out of the way toddler stores oh uh you want an animal cracker sure you got a lion in there oh no I eat those first I believe eating the Lions gives me power yeah I hear you
Believe in a lot of crazy stuff what’d you get there a giraffe yeah good good it’s good for eyesight well you’re certainly upbeat let me ask you doesn’t it bother you being an adult man who’s that short cuz the doctor says that’s where I’m headed oh no way man the
Middle of the word short is or or gives you a choice and I choose not to be short wow you need a road map for that one hey hey I tell you what you spend the day with me you’ll see how great it is to be short you’ll feel like you’re
Discovering a new world and you know what’s in the middle of the word World um or yes the dots have appeared man let’s connect them you’re you’re a weirdo but let’s do this all right check it out Bonnie this is how we’re going to fool Joe’s dad oh my
God yeah looks real right I put this pair of pants on the front legs of this horse and strapped Joe to the front with his legs tied behind the horse’s neck and then we put Cinnamon’s head up the back of Joe’s shirt and simply hid the rest of the horse behind his
Curtain his breath is very moist Peter and to induce movement I’m going to snap the horse’s balls with this dampened kitchen towel oh my God holy crap he’s out of control doesn’t look real plan B Plan B Peter I’m afraid this is hopeless what I don’t know what else to do I mean
We’re not going to come up with something better than the horse yeah I guess you’re just going to have to tell your dad about your handicap I can’t do do that if you guys were in my shoes you’d understand wait a minute that’s it I will get in your shoes I’ll just
Pretend to be you I mean your dad ain’t seen you in years he won’t know the difference what that’s crazy oh oh boy that was a close call is some of this room Cold all right Peter almost done yeah I don’t care Peter I don’t know about this it seems like a bad idea look Lois Joe is one of my best friends all right I’m only doing us to help him besides will you hear my Joe voice oh
God I hate being stuck in this chair no Peter that fights it yeah the who do you think you are you’re never going to get my love now because you wear all those fancy clothes oh and have a big fine car oh yes you do now do you think I can’t
Aford to give you my love you’re higher than above the who do you think you are you’re never going to make me cry That’s bud are you ready Peter I think so what do you think acting coach I think you will be exemplary Peter all good acting coaches are insane old ladies emote hi bud hi Joe’s dad I mean uh dad Joe I’m Joe you’re my dad Joe wow I
Guess it really has been a long time I barely recognize you put put on a little weight haven’t you well I could say the same for you sometimes I don’t understand why people laugh all right everyone in the car we got a Father’s Day dinner reservation
Why is Mr Swanson coming and why is he dressed like Dad I don’t know kids I stopped asking after your father said he shot a horse thanks for the ride along I love liked when you sentence those two girls to kiss each other yeah all Girls are
Lesbians when you point a gun at them boy it’s been great spending time with you son it’s been great spending time with you too Dad oh this will be fun let’s see how long it takes them to get Gumby over there into the car yeah that’s our neighbor Peter Griffin that’s the guy
Who emailed me huh no wonder it was all caps with tons of typos he’s a Waterhead right yeah he’s a mess look at his ugly kids pathetic he’s not fitting just put some of them in the back like Skis hey Stewie what’s up when you say it like that you sound just like Tom Cruz what oh yeah I’ve been hanging with Tom Cruz you’ve been hanging out with Tom Cruz sure have we spent the whole day together and he showed me there’s a lot of advantages to being short oh yeah
Like what you’re the last one to get wet when it rains well yeah that and you can chow pie standing up we didn’t do any of that but the point is I’m at peace with being short Full Throttle man pal hello oh hi dror hotman Mrs griin I
Have some good news turns out your son is going to be normal height I read his chart wrong yesterday apparently I have something called dyslexia that was the doctor apparently Stewie’s not going to be short after all what really that’s wonderful news oh I’m so relieved my child has spared some
Heartache now now come on Brian I guess we should try to make it over to Meg’s birthday party could I have some bread while I open my presents at this point we’re going to have to start charging you for the bread hey suie you want to check out the
Go-kart I used in Days of Thunder yeah listen um I just found out I’m actually going to be tall so I’m no longer comfortable hanging out with someone whose teeth are bigger than their fingers what that’s barely true yeah so see you later you are making a big
Mistake Stewie nobody walks away from Tiny Tom Cruz yeah except for all three of your wives okay I’m shutting this now okay so bye so now since I switched to disposable catheters I no longer have those beet red infections in my urethra oh no I hope it’s not genetic Chris he’s
Not our dad I can’t keep up with this ruse hey everybody Peta finally your home how’s it going over there with my dad awesome he fell for the whole thing in fact we’ve been having a great time well that’s terrific Peter you’ll only have to pull it off for a few more hours
And then it’ll be on a plane tomorrow and I can go home oh that’s the other good news Bud’s not leaving I told him he can move in with me and Bonnie what Peter this is crazy nah it’s going to work out fine oh and remember Joe if
Lois is feeling frisky at night it’s index finger around and clockwise and just keep doing that to yourself until you’re good to go Peter this is ridiculous you can’t live in my house with my dad and my family your dad got me super clean in the tub
Joe’s right this is idiotic what are you thinking I’ll tell you what I’m thinking I’m thinking that I’ve had two dads and neither one cared for me as much as Bud does Peter I’ve had enough of this you can’t just take my dad well he’s right next door nothing stopping you from
Going over there and telling him the truth that his son is a paraplegia who’s stuck in a wheelchair you know I can’t do that well suit yourself but I got to go me and Bud are having a blast I’m sorry Joe are you okay not really I’ll be honest Lois this hurts
Hurts like the Dickens I finished my latest novel Splendid Charles what is it called Oliver nipple twist ow oh Charles you bastard yeah the Dickens it hurts like the me so anyone going to the Geral funeral on Friday okay kids everyone in a circle for parachute time oh goody I love parachute Time what the hell that kid looked like tiny Tom Cruz huh must have been my imagination if you think you’re getting away from me you’ve got a crazy laugh coming [Laughter] friend hey what are you doing home so early he’s following me Brian who’s following you Tom Cruz I spent one
Afternoon with a guy and it’s like I signed an 8A contract to show up at events with him and let him fake father a child Stewie I would think Tom Cruz has better things to do than follow you around really we’ll explain That you know it’s times like this where I think if I didn’t talk and you were a normal baby we wouldn’t have any of these problems you got to help me get rid of him Brian he’s creepier than that guy at the gym who just does karate in the
Mirror it’s me the guy’s me I’m a Jim karate creep I’m pretty good too but relax if I wanted you dead you’d be Dead hey Dad what do you say we’ go play catch and throw me some divers I want to get grass stains on my school slacks what you’re a grown man I know it’s just so great having a dad well it’s nice having reconnected with you too all right let’s do it
Oh for God’s sake see a guy like that should just stay inside so we don’t have to look at him Joe go over there and tell him to get back in his house don’t worry I’ll take care of it Joe you got to go inside you’re upsetting my dad your dad that’s right
He loves me and a waited a you guys had pizza screw you Peter you know what this is over whoa whoa whoa whoa not a chance I like your house better I got nothing to hold on to when I poop at home you have no idea how many shower curtains
I’ve ripped down now get inside right no I’m not going to do that oh yes you are get away from me you son of a [ __ ] what the hell Joe don’t take that from him how do you like that you’re getting your ass kicked by a [ __ ] a helpless
Spaghetti legged [ __ ] what are you doing you’re my son you can’t let yourself get beat up by a guy in a wheelchair your son is a guy in a wheelchair what are you talking about Yes yes Dad it’s me Joe what the hell happened to you I was shot in the line of duty line of duty so this is why you haven’t called me in all these years how could I dad you always made fun of handicap people the only thing I never understood was
Why I don’t know I guess I could never understand the thought of something like that happening to me or even worse to someone that I care about one time my legs fell asleep on the toilet I had to crawl into the living room and interrupt Lois’s book club that was one of the
Shower curtains I ripped down and I suppose deep down I was afraid afraid that if it did happen I wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it well Dad I can tell you from experience it’s only when your worst fears come true that you get to find out how strong you really
Are then I guess I’ve got some learning to do I love you son I love you too Dad Hey Joe just one question why do you have all those wizard of ours plates because if I finish my vegetables I get to see the yellow brick road all right you sold
Me all right Brian tiny Tom Cruz is somewhere close I can sense His Manic energy you remember the plan yep I got it help help my dog got off his leash is there anyone who can do a pumpy arm run running running running running running running run hey Stewie I’m here
To help you for the next billion years all right good to know anyway my dog ran around those bushes I am on it gotcha all right off to Zappos with him you sure this is going to work oh yeah they’ll accept any returns we don’t even have to pay
Postage hello friend your life is a about to change hey Tom it’s been a couple Weeks listen Joe I’m sorry I treated you like such a jerk well that’s okay Peter in fact I got to say it was a nice thing you did I’m glad I reconnected with my dad after all these years that was my pleasure there’s no more important relationship that I’m sorry Cleveland
What the hell is that Toronto Raptor’s hat it was my Father’s Day present I hate it I’m just going to wear it for week then say I lost it anyway thanks for helping me Peter yeah it all worked out great Joe except I am still missing that one pair of
Pants excuse me are those Bugle Boy jeans and pixels then HD again the answer is yes and if you love The Golden year of movies 2003 then we might have some of what you’re looking for Netflix streaming buffer for 20 minutes then watch 35 minutes of a movie with Jason
STM ah look what came the free DVD from my PBS pledge whatever it is we’re not watching it pet trust me you of all people could really learn something from this it’s a documentary about the food industry called food kills huh says here that colon Health Magazine gave it two thumbs in
Hi I’m Matt Low’s cousin Steven McCormick our moms are sisters America is gorging itself on processed food creating an obesity epidemic we’ve abandoned natural foods for chemicals additives and refined sugars at this rate this is what the future will look like those are flying cars but the
People in them are too fat oh no I left my baby in there without drastic changes in our diet Americans are headed for a health catastrophe for more go to our website at www.pbs.org the word.com there was a miscommunication when we registered our website well that’s it from now on we’re eating
Healthy around here we’re going to feel better and we’re going to look better well looking better then always solve your problems Lois sure didn’t work for Droopy Dog when he got that facelift contrary to my appearance I’m still not happy please study my brain so that others don’t suffer as I Have thanks for coming to my birthday party you guys and Esther I’m so sorry you ripped your parane doing the Hokey Pokey that’s okay I got free curly fries okay let’s see what Meg got me a Croc hot things about to get crazy you can cook a pork tenderloin under your bed
Excuse me girls we’re about to start roller derby in a minute wait wait you what’s your name me May Griffin Would you mind standing up whoa what what are you doing my God the magic ratio what’s that it means your ankles calves and thighs are all
The same thickness how would you like to try out for the roller derby team really do it mag yeah Meg you should totally do it Meg’s talking to a boy okay sure what the heck here take my card I am a registered sex offender flip it over
Important see other side give me that I’m the roller derby coach see a tryouts I can’t believe it you guys this is the biggest surprise since the last ight Shyamalan movie two tickets for the ight shamalan movie wow really hope you guys are ready for a healthy
Dinner I went to Whole Foods today and got this recipe from an extremely thin man with a giant Adams Apple I hate that place none of the cereals are advertised on TV what’s the stuff that looks like sand it’s quinoa nope I don’t e foods that sound like karate words well
According to food kills quinoa is a superfood it’s very nutritious and it even helps keep you regular mois I have a system I poop once a week for an hour and a half I I wear a headband and it’s soaked when I’m all done wow Lois you know this is actually
Pretty good Peter you should try it fine pet a knock it off I can’t help it my body’s rejecting it qu mhm sorry sir we’re full come on in gummy bears oh you were looking fine Tonight thanks again for coming and supporting me Chris no problem and I’m going to take some pictures of the other athletes if you don’t mind you might not know this about me but I am a bit of a Shutterbug okay that’s that’s all okay all right ladies line
Up how about we start with some warm-ups bend down and touch your toes memory card full come on okay now last year we were tricked by a couch on a dolly with wheels so if any of you is a couch on a dolly with wheels I’m going to ask you to please leave
Now well we need five for a team and there’s five of you here so congratulations wow this is awesome I can’t believe I’m a c-hawk thug when do we start Skating here look at the schedule this is just a list of sexaholic Anonymous meetings flip it over it says remember to attend your
Meetings I’m going to stop handing you Stuff it’s the middle of the night where are you going I’m sick of all this healthy crap I’m going downstairs to find something good to eat and then I’m going to fall asleep watching transvaginal mesh lawsuit commercials there’s nothing thank you son what’s going on man you pregnant now
My wife watched that food documentary and you should never ask that unless you’re sure by the way oh yeah peanut butter cup Dorito sausage car Panini and let’s crack a Cadbury egg over the whole thing just going to use my spare glove comp underwear as a napkin I can’t believe
Randy Quaid gets to eat like this every day Peter is that you Cleveland are you cooking in your car I am is this because of food kills oh you saw that movie too huh we watch Tyler pu’s food kills which is the same movie except it stars black folks you’ve never
Heard of and white folks you don’t hear from anymore but yeah now Donna is forcing me to eat healthy I always get confused is Donna the wife or is is Roberta the wife I don’t know man can I have some of that sandwich oh our hands just
Touched H wow Peter that’s good that’s real good I’m not sure what we’re doing now excuse me whatever you’ve got in there smells incredible man my wife won’t let me eat any of that stuff tell you what I’ll give you 10 bucks for that thing
Yeah me too wow huh if I sell two sandwiches for $10 each Dad equals money Peter you just made $20 from two sandwiches all you’re right hey maybe I could turn this into a business you know selling sandwiches from a car wonder how much I could make whoops I stopped thinking about
Math and started thinking about baby Man Billy Corgan being sad at Disneyland Peta what the hell is this this Lois is my new food truck specializing in all the delicious unhealthy foods that you won’t let me eat cuz you don’t let me eat what I want
To eat and and uh I am super dizzy and there might be a gas leak in this thing I can’t believe you’d buy a food truck what are you even selling first of all believe it baby second uh mostly hamburgers where the Buns is jelly donuts and drinks where hot dogs is the straws M another milkshake please look I’m happy for the business but drinking
That on your knees is it’s putting a hat on a hat look at this food it’s gross and unhealthy it’s exactly the stuff I’m trying to get you not to eat yeah but people like this food it makes them happy I mean you can eat sprouts and
Vegan crap your entire life and still get devoured by Gremlins and and and none of it matters so you’re saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself because you might get devoured by Gremlins get a clue Mama think of what you’re doing to your body Peter oh there we go you think
I’m overweight I know you’re overweight hey yeah I’ll have the Swedish Fish Tacos you want the can a chili dumped on top or on the side what does the chef recommend me I like to squeeze the can so hard the chili flies into my mouth
Like popey do it up you got it let me put on my bandana fire up my very loud what generator and get cooking pet this isn’t over What ladies and gentlemen welcome to the first B out of the season the Cog thugs versus the Medford dump cakes this season we’re brought to you by Barry’s note cards when you need to remind yourself of the sponsor use Barry’s note cards nice move Griffin way to go M wow
Newcomer me Griffin is lighting up the track with some amazing moves amazing damn right amazing Make Some Noise if you’re mixing prescription drugs with alcohol wow this is a lot more physical than I thought my favorite part of a woman’s body is hunches and this is all hun baby a
Me boy that was rough this Sport’s even more dangerous than ski shooting P I got in the wrong line that’ll be $16 $16 that’s expensive yes sir everything’s very expensive because you’re paying for it on an iPad now if you’ll just select a gratuiti options are 60% 90% And 200% uh I guess
60% okay great and just sign by dragging your bare finger across this thing I use to masturbate uh okay thank you please make sure to bang your head on that low hanging thing what are you oh you spilled something you want a napkin yes please all right here’s 40 blown by the Wind oh Chris I’m glad you’re here swing that lamp at me but you’ll get hurt no I won’t I’m going to dodge it oh my God are you okay yeah I’m fine soller Derby’s really toughen me up I got to say i’ I’ve never felt better
Really cuz I watched how rough it was out there the other day and I got a little worried for you I mean all it would take is one bad hit to do permanent damage I think you should quit what no no I I love roller derby it’s
The first thing I’m really good at plus I love making Other Women Bleed but you know in ways besides the way you know they normally bleed she means periods yeah I got it Stewie but I’m telling you Meg something bad is going to happen like when you give a young athlete too much
Money uh I got to murder Somebody P kids Dinner kids Peta it’s time for a healthy veggie dinner come on I spent the whole day making the house smell like farts where the hell is everybody all right I got a bowl of cereal that’s M&M’s and Dr Pepper over here Chris put that down you kids get in
The house and eat the healthy dinner I prepared and Peter you too shut down that truck and get inside Lois I already told you I don’t want to eat your garbage food all right now can you go inside and get me some pop rocks I’m making a paa you know what enough of
This n sense you love this truck so much stay in it cuz I don’t want you or your food in the house fine I love this truck I got everything I need in here maybe I’ll just live here I can imagine it Now whoops I stopped thinking about the truck and started thinking about Amazon woman Bri neelon drunk in a Burbank Park All right time to greet the day are you living in a truck not bad I see you got a Hooters calendar in here how do you get anything done with those rocking knockers staring at you hey who says I get anything done Guy Talk Guy Talk guy talk this is how
Guys talk oh Peter this is awful well I love it and I’m not going back in that house and listen to Lois tell me how fat and unhealthy I am you do look like you put on a few your elbows are starting to pucker yeah I mean are you really happy
In here you bet I am I’m happier than a squash on Halloween dad are they coming to take us away too no son we’re fine how about on Thanksgiving you know what just enjoy the month [Applause] you’re going down gin like my stepfather’s pants I guess I see where some of your anger comes from oh no this is bad that’s it I have have to do something Chris what are you doing saving my oh my God Chris are you okay I don’t
Think so I’m hurt pretty bad like that time I was running with Scissors you’ll run like a girl run like a man you get a Suit here you go and if you’d like to put your email on our sign up list I’d be happy to sell it to Russian hackers Vader Vader it’s happening what the big Maps car it’s three blocks down and it’s coming this way holy crap this is the
Day we’ve been waiting for we said we’re going to stand in our front yards and wave as it goes by so we’re on the street view we’re going to be on the internet port just called it went by his house everybody places start waving this is not a drill
Damn it I can’t fit through the door I’m stuck in a truck what what are you talking about I knew this would happen you’re too fat to get out I see it I see the Bing car oh my God bing bing over here Bing they can’t see you Peter you’re facing
Away from the street stop talking Quagmire just smile this is amazing crap is it gone the driver nodded at me I I think I’m going to cry damn it I can’t believe I missed it jeez I hope I don’t end up stuck in here like Winnie to poo
H rabbit perhaps you should push with your shoulder and not your fist don’t worry about It hey did that big booma boomba nurse come in here uh no but Dr Hartman is my brother going to be okay that’s her that’s her hi Wanita hello hello doctor was that weird was I just weird kind of you don’t know I was fine oh Chris I’m so sorry you got hurt
Like this roller derby was the best thing that ever happened to me I finally felt like I was good at something I made friends but seeing you like this I realized you were right it’s too dangerous so I’m going to quit no Meg I got hurt because I didn’t belong out
There but you do I watched you skate you found your calling and I believe in you now get back to that Rank and help your team win the championship it deserves really I will thanks Chris with a spirit in her heart renewed Meg returned to the roller derby Arena I
Think she did all right but no one will know for sure because halfway through everyone stopped to watch some fat kid was killing it on Dance Dance Revolution dance you fat [ __ ] so tonight we say to the yellow build Marsh Finch you’re extinct but right now we’re getting word of breaking news we go live to Trisha Takanawa with details Trisha Tom I’m standing here outside a SPO Street home where a local business owner has apparently eaten
Himself into his own food truck oh it appears they’ve finally removed the roof nobody look look this is a private gross matter Mr Griffin is this performance art or some sort of political statement well I’m kind of ticked about condoms in porn but this is unrelated oh hey Lois I guess you must
Be happy yeah it’s every girl’s dream to have a husband hoisted out of a food truck in a horse harness no look I’m just saying you were right I’m a big tubble L and you have every reason to be ashamed of me ashamed of you is that really what you think well yeah
You kept saying how overweight I am Peta don’t you get it I only wanted you to eat healthy because I love you and I’m concerned about your health I want you around for as long as I’m around really well I love you too Lois I’m sorry I was
Such a jerk I guess I could do without eating so much junk but I could never do without you well Peter ma’am please step back we have to wash him with a hose guys look look the Bing car is back no I’m not ready I’m not ready inspired by his love for Lois
Peter had steamed vegetables and brown rice that evening then ate like crap for the rest of his life nonetheless he was immortalized on Bing Maps fat people are amusing to me hang there you fat [ __ ] any idea what this meeting is about oh we’re getting a new boss I hope
It’s Hugo Boss then we’ll all look snazzy tonight’s episode of Family Guy is brought to you by Hugo Boss look for us in the low trafficed corner of Macy’s between Eddie Bower and the never bought male jewelry attention everyone do not adjust your TV sets we are an
Interracial couple I’d like to introduce myself myself my name is Bert and this is my lovely wife Sheila two sets of disappointed parents right there well only her parents ah now that Angela’s no longer with us we will be your new bosses we’re splitting the job because one of the shareholders favorite songs
Was Ebony and Ivory so here we are now we know it’s difficult to remember two new names so to make things easier you can call us Bea or shirt boy I bet you she’s a Handful in the bedroom two handfuls baby damn it I went all the way around the room now
Some of you may find the idea of two bosses unconventional but assure nothing will be and door always open you time day there no is too or small to all you so as our mascot PA Tucka Pat says all ye Federalists Inbe it means everybody drink yeah true bosses this sucks at least it beats me at home with my wife Peter when did we cut back Home hey Peter all right Sheila let’s do it right here on the desk while Bert watches no Peter that’s not what this is sorry I thought I was picking up on a vibe so Peter we’ve been tasked with making the operations around here run more efficiently and part of that will
Involve reassigning People based on their abilities we want you to be the office recyclables guy so we’re going to put a flag on you and wherever you go people will know that’s where they put their recyclables please don’t just throw them over at least make sure all the liquids
Are gone please before you throw them Smithers who is that young go-getter that’s a character from another show sir Simpson you say pretty much Sir we now return to Titanic 2 narrated by Al Gore Iceberg right ahead but due to man’s excessive use of fossil fols climate change had rendered the iceberg nothing more than a small cube K why are you wearing a flag it’s part of my job now cuz of my new bosses is it
A promotion because it doesn’t look like a promotion no looks like an old lady’s Rascal so who are these new bosses they names are Bert and Sheila my job sucks now it’s worse than when I was a dinosaur Walker hey what pick that up pick what
Up that that that was there no you were looking at your phone oh I wasn’t yes you were sir this is a neighborhood where we respect the rules of society oh Society now Sir Thomas Moore up here good for you in your neighborhood I’m going to take a picture of you and post
It on Facebook great I hope it gets a lot of likes you know what I forgot my bag oh you forgot your bag yeah I forgot my bag but I’ll be sure to come back and pick this oh I’m sure you’ll be back look I’m only here to create an amusing
Comparison to my current job which I am at this moment describing to my family in my living room so technically you don’t even exist well how do you know I wasn’t telling my wife a story you’re a figment of my imagination I I can assure
You that is not the case we’ll be right back with more Greg in the window well I’ll be Greg in the window brought to you by never bought maale jewelry okay Peter we’ve got something else for you we need you to taste test our new varieties of seasonal beers
Which will be coming down this conveyor belt Place those on this track all right that seems easy enough also our delivery truck drivers have to pass an annual drug test so we’ll need you to collect their urine samples they’ll be coming down the same conveyor belt in similarly
Colored cups which you’ll need to place on this tray well that doesn’t seem like it belt activated Showtime pumpkin not bad a trucker pee belt speed increasing oh boy apple cinnamon not bad pea laced with myth winter wheat lady trucker P belt speed maximum a crap trucker trucker
October Fest trucker Amber squash yuck trucker trucker and let’s hope this one was an asparagus IPA too bad about the latest sales numbers huh I don’t talk to anyone standing at a Ural too bad about the latest sales numbers huh thanks for waiting you know our testing came back
And shows we’re losing market share apparently nobody can relate to our mascot PA tuck at Pat are you guys talking about work in there oh yes come on in honey we’ve put our wings away did you tell him about our testing yeah our customers find a 300-year-old mascot
Hard to relate to they want a regular guy you know a a guy who’d drink a beer on a toilet Griffin no it is you Peter what are you doing playing a game on my phone and having a beer and God willing going to the bathroom are you thinking what I’m
Thinking he must be on his sure To You O yes but also that’s exactly the kind of customer we should be appealing to I think we found our new mascot are you in Peter may I have a moment to talk it over with my mentor sure I’m in no we did It wow Peter so you’re really replacing Pucket Pat as a new mascot yep I’m the new Pucket pet hey now you and Jared from Subway have two things in common no no that’s not true Meg it’s not true Peter Peter she’s Gage she’s Gage Let It Go you’re the King yeah garbage yeah
Anyway turn on the TV they’re about to play my first [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] Commercial P Tucket Patriot the perfect beer for New England Beaches ladies and gentlemen throwing out today’s ceremonial first pitch the face of the PA Tucket Patriot Brewery PA Tucket p please kill me still buy the beer though and now a 5H hour baseball game hey guys I’m Billy on the Street and I’m here with one of the biggest mascots in
America right now popular he means not large let me do my intro okay we’re going to go up to people and give a dollar to everyone who recognizes you let’s go sir sir sir for a dollar do you know who this is no oh come on he’s in a
New commercial I don’t even own a TV you don’t own a TV I’m very impressed Let’s Go sir sir quick tell me who is this man uh ad Week Magazine called him the pitch Man of the Year who doesn’t read ad week there’s uh there’s more running than I
Thought there’d be oh is he Jerry Ferrara Jerry Ferrara you mean turtle from Entourage you’re the worst even worse than the Entourage movie Mark Walberg is one of our finest producers I I don’t uh I don’t feel comfortable doing this he was just getting a cup of coffee with his daughter they should
Know you hey you’re pot Tucket Pat yes thank you he’s pocket Pat not that I watch this show I watch Black Mirror and the Goldbergs and that’s it wow can I get a picture with you no what’s his problem between you and me I think he may need a lady friend Peter I’m
Famously gay oh my God he ran around the World hey so how’s the whole Pucket Pat thing going a it’s the best everywhere I go people recognize me and love me and the other day I even got to hang out with a bunch of other famous mascots so you uh you really make all those cookies
In that tree like the tree is wood like how does the tree not catch on fire you want to cool it with that Drummond anyway do you have to water your house cuz I would think that you know what let’s just forget the conversation and just pose for the
Picture by the way Tony I’m sorry your wife was shot by Donald Trump’s children hi Peter it’s Sheila and me BD here’s a dollar stop talking like that sorry about him we ruined people’s days in New York earlier we came by to share some great news that’s right your character’s
So popular you’re going to have a balloon in the annual co-a parade no way that’s awesome said no one ever yes I’ve seen that on the internet who is this oh that that’s that’s my dog Brian you have a dog that makes jokes and drinks beer not just any beer Pucket
Patriot trucker blend ah I approved that oh this is just what we need you guys are great together what are you talking about well think about it Peter the public loves Paul Tucket Pat imagine how much they’d love to know he has a funny sidekicked dog who drinks with him wow
That could be really cool what do you say Brian you’re saying you need a mascot sidekick hold my beer up that’s also from the internet Hi I’m Bert of Bert and Sheila and I’m Sheila all right now before we bring out Dody hurry it up some of us came for doy it’s our pleasure to introduce Paul Tucket Pat and his new sidekick hops melany the alcoholic dog come on y’all say Brian hops hops yes Peter pat
Pat what was were you doing up on the roof last night well Peter Pat Pat I was up on the roof because you told me drinks were on the house nice one Brian hops hops let’s hear more from the dog hops hops Hops I’m sorry sir you can’t park here this spot is reserved for the brewery mascot yeah I am the brewery mascot no you’re the brewery Mas got Sidekick what the hell I’m the sidekick oh my life can’t get any worse hey at least you’re not getting attacked by a goose for no reason hey you got bread bro give me that bread bro come on bro bro help me officer Goose Feere guys from now on I need to stand this up in the middle of your table P yeah cuz he’s a dog man I hate being a sidekick to this stupid dog yeah I can imagine Peter I doubt you can Quagmire none of you can well I think I
Understand I’m talking Glenn I doubt any of you can begin to know what it’s like to ride someone’s coattails to play second fiddle to some fat idiot to constantly be setting up someone else’s it’s the Joe show starring Joe doing all sorts of Joe things Not Your Average Joe and also he can
Walk just a footnote to someone else’s narrative I tell you this sucks worse than being a monkey at Coachella dude it sucks this year there’s no good bands there’s bananama there’s like one good band hey Brian you want to go to the park the public park uh no I don’t think
That’d be a good idea because of beagle Mania what my fame that’s what they’re calling it who’s calling it beagle Mania well you just did catching on we’ll leave it to you to ruin it just like danani ruined water hey guys so you know how water tastes like nothing well what
If it tasted like every bottle had a nickel in It I want you to sign my chest and I want to HW a lugie in your face I want you to sign my ass and I want to HW a lugie in your face I want you to autograph my stomach okay fine but do me a favor don’t spit
On my friend hey Brian why don’t you mind your own business oh God again with this beagle Mania where’d you get those t-shirts from Brian he says it’s really catching on well it isn’t it’s a joke it’s no joke for him dad he even recorded the
Bite album K9 K9 K9 K9 K9 K9 K9 coming up uncomfortable pause as anchor throws to reporter in the field but first hey hungover dads want to go to a parade does that sound like fun on a Sunday morning not just being worried about your kids but everyone else’s kids
Around you too for more here’s Trisha Takanawa apparently we’ve lost Trish m I’m standing here outside some public toilets where dads who are really hurting will be vomiting in front of their still developing children the parade is tomorrow but already the giant balloons are being inflated including two newcomers this year Pepe the
Alterite Frog and hops the dog the Beloved beer pitchman oh man Brian gets his own balloon this can’t get any worse in fact hops is so popular that hundreds of COG women have volunteered to blow up his balloon a that’s the cashier at the CVS I like and here comes the marching band
Led by baton twirler Jane Duncan whose aunt is famously thin actress BB new word Jane lists her Hobbies as baton twirling and trying to contact her aunt and look is that the Beer mascot you’ve all been waiting for that’s right it’s hops the dog stupid Brian not even wave to the crowd
Right hi thanks for coming out Hi here’s dad he’s missing this say goodbye hops excuse me sir are you a guest of the hotel I I uh I’m I’m just here for an event oh are you part of Sarah’s Bridal brunch uh yeah yeah can’t can’t believe she’s heading down
The aisle well they’re making speeches in the Santa Fe lounge if you hurry you can still get yours in well Sarah another Turning Point a fork stuck in the road who is he again I think he’s that guy from the funeral you know Potter me’s glad Sarah met Henry
Because she and I had a hack that if neither of us was married by 40 we’d get hitched and I think you all know how that would have gone everybody get down so to Sarah and Henry may they have a long and happy Marriage Tom I’m standing here along the parade route where the Hops balloon has just been punctured and is now raining helium down on the crowd creating chaos and waking Havoc we have an active shooter I repeat we have an active shooter I can’t stress the seriousness of this situation
Enough this is a disaster Brian you’re fired what do you mean this isn’t my fault I’m never drinking this beer again in my voice is impervious to Helium what a mess huh hey Peter sorry all that Fame went to my head and I’m sorry I shot you balloon how’d you get out of jail so fast I took a hostage it’s an ongoing situation honey close that window and come to bed in a minute Greg Mitchell
Sometimes I feel like I married you and that window the two of you are more similar than you think and how’s that well for one thing you’re both a real [Applause] Pain oh fun look Peter Smashmouth is playing here next weekend in cwk no in this porn store well you caught us Lois and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I’m not sure that 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook e mag don’t like that anyway to
Celebrate we thought it would be fun to recount the three greatest love stories ever told we’ll begin with the tale of Helen of Troy the face that launched a thousand ships which is the poetic way of saying Helen of Troy was thick though which is the black Twitter way of saying
She was very attractive the people of Troy’s chocolate has gotten into our peanut butter the people of gree’s peanut butter has gotten all over our chocolate we could perhaps try the combined taste or we could fight to the death guys stop the battle of the gree’s peanut butter
Cup has gone on too long let us agree to disagree huh what a pleasantly de-escalating phrase that I’m just now hearing for the first time yes we will agree to disagree the war between the Greeks and the Trojans is over to Greece now let’s go call a bunch of jagged rocks a Beach man I’m happy the war is over I can’t wait to get back to Troy yeah I’m just going to plop down with my kids and watch Troy story to the other side of that hill and Beyond that’s as far as we know about right now you know what I just realized
This this could be a really long poem now if you’ll excuse me Helen’s in my cabin and I thought I’d give heterosexual sex a try Helen what the Hades what she’s hot but not as hot as Medusa one look at Medusa and I’m rock hard mythologically correct coming up Greek food voted burp
In the world but first in tragedy news your Queen Helen has run off with Paris back to Troy this is an outrage I’ll send my entire Army after them led by my best warriors Achilles ACL get in here what Helen has run off off with Paris we’re going to get her back and
Burn Troy to the ground that sounds good I just need to cancel my lesson with Socrates first isn’t he that thinker they keep shuffling around from one philosophy School District to the next no no he’s the one whose method is all about asking questions like what have
You ever tried wine can you keep a secret you know this is your fault right yeah he’ll he’ll make you question a lot about yourself so we’ll sail directly east and then head north at a 90° angle it’s the fastest possible way I can imagine getting there hang on let me see that
Pythagoras just invented this thing called a hypotenuse if we know this distance and this distance we can calculate this more direct route wow our people are like really smart I bet Greeks will always be known for their advancements in math and not as cartoon characters with very hairy arms in a tragically mismanaged
Economy Okay I had a feeling this Fortress would be impenetrable so I’ve hired the finest builder in Greece to make us a giant wooden horse we’ll hide inside it they’ll take it in as a gift and then we spring out and destroy the city I call it the Trojan Horse that sounds great
But there’s another door right here that’s just beads what yeah just beads see oh boy this this is going to be a difficult phone call let’s go let’s go this needs to be done yesterday hello giant horse company pay on delivery no deposit required can I help you [Applause]
What where the hell is everyone they left a note it says Helen and Paris went back to the Greek Isles to get married and all three of Helen’s fathers are going to be there they came awesome and now that we’re owned by Disney we can have
Hercules here no they won’t let us use them what was the point of this whole merger well who can we use Launchpad McQuack no no no you know what I’m exhausted I’m exhausted with being told no and now I’m married G I’m going to go break wers off Statues welcome back my credit card got declined at the sex store we ran off with only the stuff we could key to our next love story is Romeo and Juliet a 500-year-old tale about horny preens that Society somehow decided is classy and not perverted even though two middle schoolers banging it enjoy two
Households both alike in dignity in fair Verona where we lay our scen well I’d say Verona’s better than fair they getting a Shake Shack this summer ooh milkshakes and crinkly fries going to have myself a pooch belly if that’s not careful I’m sorry y’all I done shatter box my way through the whole
Prologue boy this is nice will there ever be a more popular Italian city than Verona I don’t know are we even supposed to be at this party if they find out where manues they might Raz us relax no one’s going to recognize us we got inch
Wide masks over just our eyes with the rest of our faces plainly visible we’re fine you wanted to see me Daddy Juliet honey we need to talk you’re a grown woman now and it’s time for you to get married grown woman Daddy I’m 13 sh don’t say that tell people you’re 11 do
You want to get married or not fine now I found you the most eligible bachelor in all of Italy he’s from the boy Rd family kind of a big deal my family makes the best canned sugar pastas in all the land are you out of breath from
Saying one sentence just give me a second I’m in the midst of a fullon lockdown sodium headache I haven’t peed for 36 hours okay now Fair Juliet let our houses join together like beef and Rooney ah cool Shakespeare wa what is that it says Ho I don’t get it you wrote butt okay I I’ll come over there hey there’s something I want you to see some grease ball at the bar just drew a guy in a circle it’s amazing he’s this and then he’s this you just you got
To come see it Romeo we got to get out of here tibot found out where manu’s and he’s pierced oh man I I must have amnesia or something cuz I don’t remember inviting you guys who you here with uh Tony going to have to do better than that man lot
Of Tony’s here oh did I say Tony I I meant I’m Abe Fran The Sausage King of Chicago You’re Abe Froman The Sausage King of Chicago that’s right hello yes I’m looking for Abe Fran The Sausage King of Chicago have you said fellow glasses oh well he’s right
Here let me just wait a minute we don’t have phones all Chicago all right you got to die enough you three out of my house I will not play host to some Family Feud 100 people surveyed top five answers on the board Nam something you might say say to a damn spot out good answer good answer show me out what that’s impossible Romeo name something you might say to a damn spot hello what I know this audience of course it was Helen of course it Was Romeo Juliet I know I ain’t supposed to be here but I just had to see you again oh Romeo Romeo where for out thou Romeo I what what are you talking about I’m right here you’re looking right at me you know what I’ll come up there Romeo
We can’t what if my father sees us and wherefor means Why by the way not where sh sh that’s stupid you’re stupid Juliet I know we just met but when I look at you I feel something special this is going to sound crazy but will you marry
Me okay let’s do it I love you Romeo I love you too Juliet I should probably let you know I have a lot of Jack Skellington tattoos well I wish you would have told me that before but that’s okay because I do karate outside against no one yeah this
Is it’s going to be a good Marriage there he is there’s the dumbass I’ve been looking for mausio I could never say this when I was alive but wraith Finds oh God I’m voiding my bowels right now because I died not 30 minutes ago in the carriage on the way Here well we all know how this goes I’m doing it oh FR Lawrence are you absolutely sure faking my death With This poison is the best plan well there’s also Herbal Life with which is an amazing product and I think you specifically would make a great addition to our team I I’ll take
The poison thank you frier and since I’m picking up a prescription can I uh pay for the rest of my items here uh I I I guess oh H yourself I’m afraid she’s dead you can tell by her shallow breathing and weak but clear heartbeat I’m sorry there’s
Nothing I can do can you make a paper airplane I can then don’t be so hard on yourself oh no my girlfriend’s dead and on top of that it’s that time in late summer before football starts and there’s no basketball I mean there is baseball but it’s not playoffs I might
As well just be dead children having sex two murders double suicide very irresponsible to teach this in schools Romeo Romeo oh where for stupid I don’t understand we had a plan did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death maybe there’s still poison on your
Lips alas just Costco hot dog well a boy I knew for 3 days is dead and on top of that WNBA season is over and it’s still two months till figure skating Starts for never was a story of more oh no than that of Juliet and her Ria I accidentally farted on a candle at our eyes wide shut party and this happened now please enjoy Fatal Attraction man is this a great black toilet Loft party or what oh yeah hey which line of cocaine is for the bathroom I think it’s that one thanks I’ll be right Back Dan Gallagher confident to meet you I’m not going to be ignored by you Dan uh no no no no that’s later would you like to dance in silence because they always add the music and post sure what do you think they’ll choose you take Take now let’s have hot sex in silence and they’ll add the sensuous music in post ah wonder what music they’re going to Add I’m Done TB themes were longer back now hi love our life yeah it’s hard not to root for a rich white lawyer in the Connecticut suburbs dad the not cell phone’s ringing let’s let the new answering machine get it hi you’ve reached the Gallaghers leave a message for our intact family
After the beep hi Dan it’s Alex Forest I just found out I’m pre now I’m giving you a minute to pick up the phone hastily I got it I got it I got it hello judge Forest how did you get this number when they deliver a book that has all
The numbers Dan look over to the split screen and see how crazy I look yes and also I’m listening to Opera but I don’t know which one cuz they’ll air it in post what do you think they’ll choose we ran out of R i see it God hello Dan how did you get in here I slipped the security guard five cocaines I told you it’s over and I told you we need to talk I’m pregnant are you sure it’s yours I am we can get rid of it they
Won’t Outlaw abortion until 2019 no I’m keeping it and one other thing the baby will not be ignored by you Dan that’s a very big thing for you you isn’t It I need your help Alex the elevator chick is pregnant I don’t want to lose my family what can I do listen just call your wife on your numbers on the top car phone and it’ll all be better if I were you Dan I’d just go home and enjoy your
Family and rabbit most of these things just boil Over well that’s odd usually a rabbit rushes up to greet me well time to wash dishes while looking at a lawn like most Housewives what in the world I better weily approach that pot in silence knowing the L dramatic music and post I wonder what they’ll Choose [Applause] we oh I was going to kill the Rabbit all right listen Beth I got something to tell you in front of our kid I had an affair you what I know it was awesome at the time and frankly I was real close to getting away with it but now that there are actual consequences I got to tell you the truth
Dan how could you look it’s not my fault my plan was to just hide this from you forever also she’s pregnant how is that possible well when a man and a woman like each other just a little and they get in an elevator oh God how could I be
So blind I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself honey but I will say at least she had a pot of something on the stove when I came Home well now to defog this mirror and see only myself now to fully close the mirror and have no changes I’m sorry Beth I have a Fatal Attraction to your husband ah she said it that’ll be a the trailer I’m going to do to you what I did to your bunny and
Your neighbor’s cat because I went to the wrong house the first time I love relaxing here with that dry ceiling wonder if the weather called for living room rain next up Connecticut your living room forecast dry dry dry that can only mean one thing oh my God it’s happening it’s
Happening Dan help all right You deserve to die because the choices I made are your fault all right she’s mostly choked let’s just sit on the floor with our backs to the tub it’s it’s just been Revoked hi I’m Chris Griffin I didn’t have a lot to do tonight but they did say they’d give me one minute at the end of the show to share my favorite love story of course I chose a classic romantic tale of the love between a young man and pastry American Pie the
Store was all out of apple so this one is chicken pot fresh from the oven here we go e the piping hot gravy or and one of the peas went inside it’s so burnt I can’t tell what’s chicken and what’s me oh God not going to stop though happy
Anniversary Mom and Dad from your teenage son getting busy with a 400 degree popey the beach so much to do unlimited possibility there is nothing to do at the beach why did we come here Peter just set up our blanket I got to put on my swimsuit
That’s a one piece that turns into shorts once you hit a certain age that’s the swimsuit you have for the next 40 years hey Lois remember that time you and me made it under the Boardwalk when I go back to school my Greaser friends are going to say tell me
More tell me more and I’m going to say you were a [ __ ] that was the first time I noticed you didn’t have an ear what never mind maybe we go back under that Boardwalk what right now yeah why not let’s sneak away from the kids and go get busy oh
I’d love to Peter But Here Comes Chris with a too much sun Beach tantrum mom I tried to look at a lady who was lying with her straps down and she saw me and she said something to her friend and they laugh what lady where a stand back son watch how it’s
Done those ladies are really mean come on Brian I’m going to make you a YouTube surfing dog you know one of those videos where you can’t tell if he’s enjoying it or not I love it I hate it previously on Big Brother Tanner became head of household while host
Julie Chen had plastic surgery to look less Chinese later Sasha won veto power over Eric but not before Julie married CBS chairman Les moonz to get her job and Les himself was accused of assaulting more than a dozen women with nominations looming and Les fired for his predatory behavior the boys Alliance
Of Jeremy and Pablo strategized while Julie stepped down from the talk to avoid uncomfortable questions but continues to host this show and spend Les’s enormous wealth who will be evicted tonight will Julie’s Craven opportunism ever end and what does it actually mean to have an employee on
Call for oral this would be better with a snck seems like a safe place to open a full bag of cheese Doodles hey up hey okay I’ll give you one but don’t tell your friends oh yeah yeah no hey okay Lis the kids are gone let’s sneak under the boardwalk and have Sandy
Relations I don’t know Peter come on I am so ready I snared a bunch of oysters from over there where the foam is super yellow can you do it in less than 2 minutes when have I not okay quick before the kids come ah here they are
Locals have named me Sandy crevices and they’re absolutely right please have all my mail forwarded accordingly and we were so close to sneaking away I’m sorry Peter well I guess I’ll go throw this candy wrapper in the beach trash see you in 45 minutes a damn it
So what should we do now that we’re finally down here how about we do something that ain’t been done under a pier in 50 years have heterosexual sex so a strange man is changing Stewie on our blanket hey mind your business Brian we now return to Wreck-It Ralph 3 Ralph wrecks the
Toilet hey Lois I know we ain’t Under the Boardwalk no more but you and me got unfinished business what come here You what the hell what is that it it sounds like a happy family dishwashing scene a crap it’s a happy family dishwashing scat yay we make a good team clearly we work to upbeat music that means we’re compatible they even let the dog pitch in how likable and the baby
Thinks he’s helping he was probably filmed separately though notice he’s just an insert shot turn that music off and get the kitchen out of the living room damn it what do we got to do to get some time to ourselves aen honestly you guys are more frustrated than trying to
Sell men’s suits in Australia What what’s happening oh my God the iPad thank God so what do you think uh they’re a little long in the leg can you make them shorts cut off the sleeves and make the shirts say bamong uh sure thanks mate I really want people to see
My snow white back here against my brown skin what what what are we doing here yeah I don’t know this is weird would you like a belt yeah I’ll take two one for each wrist this is not good I think we somehow sent ourselves into a cutaway so what’s the special occasion I’m
Marrying macaran I don’t understand how we got here all I know is that we both set up this cutaway at the same time and now we’re inside this cutaway in Australia it’ll be 23 Australia dollies no regular dollies see so you and I set up a cutaway at the same time and that
Somehow put us in the Cutaway well this is weirder than an uptight guy at an Eagles concert Who out there wants to take it easy not me do you read the papers look around you all right well you want to take it to the Limit not really that
Would be a little fool Hardy wouldn’t it okay this time I set up the Cutaway by myself and it sent us here wa it’s like this is a whole cutaway land and it takes a setup from both of us to get us in or out of cutaway land but only one
Of us to move within cutaway land are you saying that it takes a setup from both of us to get in or out of cutaway land but only one of us to move within cutaway land exactly Peter it takes a set up from both of us to get in or out
Of cutaway land but only one of us to move within cutaway land I want to be done with this part who likes Life in the Fast Lane not anyone who wants to get there in one piece Peter this may sound crazy but this is our chance at
The getaway we didn’t have at the beach hey you’re right no kids just you and me and we can go anywhere like like when we hid in Tom Brady’s locker and watched him shower look at that it’s just as big as you want it to be but not so big that
It’s going to distract him there’s a trump hat in here don’t look at the Trump hat look at his penis all right fine you ruined this this is more frustrating than Charlton Hon’s funeral um excuse me is is this his cold dead hand uh
Yes he uh he said I could take this oh oh I want to do one this is better than a spin class where the instructor is just two giant swedish legs congrat ulations 80% of success is just showing up the other 20% is super loud 5-year-old Coldplay songs yeah
Who’s ready to puke at 5 a.m. this is great Peter where are you I’m a spin class bicycle seat oh no the one middle-aged postgastric bypass guy he didn’t clean these shorts from last class it was the strangest thing Joe Peter and Lois were right here talking to us and
They just disappeared all right just keep giving me details and I’ll be taking notes and definitely not drawing cool Tie fighters on this notepad Okay well it was 5:30 and we had all just gotten back from the beach we were all having fun washing dishes and then out
Of nowhere Peter and get all angry with us they start yell at us thing you know they’re surrounded by this glowing Millennium Ro said chewbaca Chris now that Mom and Dad are gone we should have a rager oh I get those mostly in the morning you and me both
Buddy again an insert shot we really had a hard time sinking our schedules this week ah this is wonderful Peter it’s like a honeymoon in cway land away from our kids yep next up Paris a crap we picked the wrong line may I have your name please Robert loia can you spell
That for me certainly cly that’s Robert loia r as in Robert loia o as in oh my God it’s Robert loia B as in by God that’s Robert loia oh god there were reruns in cutaway land I remember this one it takes a while longer than it took
To get my iPad back from Chris what is he watching BBC let’s see what’s going on in England I didn’t know there was a BBC 12 oh my my God brexit stage right actually I will take this this is wonderful too I’ve always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon
Actually Lois it’s a fart air Balloon so what do you think of Santa Fe this is terrible I’d rather be in the pancake ER what do we got it was a bad flip he got folded over on himself so he’s still wet on the other side was he the first one
Of the batch he was damn it it’s always the first one of the batch all right get him in a room and give him 20 cc’s of Log Cabin negative the butter Burns so there’s a crispy black circle around the circumference son of a [ __ ] tell the
Family he’s going to lose his outer crust excuse me doctor what pancakes aren’t people we need this wing for Co I can’t believe it principal Shephard came to our party welcome glad to have you John no no no no no is that girl here who wears the butt cheek bottom
Shorts no she transferred to that alternative school oh do you happen to know if they’re having a party tonight what you can’t leave yet you haven’t even tried the cake this cake says you can beat chemo Helen it was on a discount Helen couldn’t beat Cho Mo
Dancing on a table yo things about to Get sweet a cutaway about an unlocked Hospital medicine closet I chose this cutaway cuz it’s fun and for sure not to feed my fentanyl addiction you have Oh and next door is a classic song about AIDS that I now partly regret what a blessed day in cutaway land Peta this
Has been fun but I want to go back home what I miss the kids I want to go back I want to see our family but Lois is this Mr Dean’s room Mr Dean right that’s the name of the guy with the AIDS next room over Lois our kids suck and cutaways are
Good what’s the problem here they may suck but they are children Tom Dean Tom Dean who in fact has AIDS is next door my mistake Judy Garland Showtime pills what do these do forget your troubles come on get happy you better Chase all your cares
Away P enough I know you want to have fun with drugs but what’s the point of drugs if you don’t have kids to share them with damn it Lois we’re having fun for once but all you can talk about is the kids well I’m sorry Peter I want to
Go back and with any luck we’ll get home by 1:00 what was that hilarious mom wine joke you think so oh I don’t think I P no oh boy here I go forgive me Father for I have zined please please stop okay you don’t like these jokes but let’s see
What all the moms eating soup at Panera Bread think well I don’t care if you miss a kids I am not going to let you ruin this Tom Brady’s Locker pet we’ve already Tom Brady’s Locker okay Peter that’s it we’re going home and we’re going home now all right fine
Let’s say it at the same time this is like the time we were together with our family where am I Mom Dad I haven’t been given a morsel of food since you left by the way not one crumb I was just driving a car a second ago that’s a problem
Right and now to exhibit the only Power I have in this world stop hey stop he’s not stopping you’re supposed to stop for my hand you’re supposed to stop for my hand you’re supposed to stop for my hand you’re supposed to stop for my hand what is this it’s just a little
Mixup Peta let’s try it again this is like the time we were together with our family at home what Why didn’t it work this is better than being at home we make a better team than at home worse than at home the AIDS person is
Tom Dean which is the name of a Family Guy writer home oh God Peter I think we’re stuck here yeah I’m also bummed cuz I’m missing that Australian guy’s marriage to his catamaran didy do you take this boat to be your wife or didy do and now
If there are any spiders or Si of dinner plates that object to this marriage please speak now we forever hold your peace go get him mate I’ll Now Pronounce You Man and [Applause] [Applause] Boat wait so when you two disappeared you were just doing cutaways and now we’re all trapped here in our defense we only disappeared cuz we don’t like you how did we get here what is this place well Chris it’s cutaway land what are the rules here okay it takes a set up
From both of us High let MEP away on you High and that’s how it works I still don’t fully understand okay in order to move within cutaway land moving a I still don’t get it but let’s just move on what are we going to do Mom shut up everyone shut up first things first did you clean up the house before coming
To cutway land cuz if it’s found messy it’s going to reflect poorly on me hello anyone H quite messy that reflects poorly on Mrs Griffin sorry to intrude I just wanted to let myself into your private residence huh nobody’s home nobody’s home principal party when I was a young
Boy at the age of five my mother going Be we got to get out of here come on let’s stink huh look at that they’ve got every other team’s Playbook alphabetized don’t look at the Patriots rampant cheating look at the Trump hat there’s a phone maybe we can call someone for help Joe was looking for you guys before maybe he
Can help I’ll give it a try this court is all tangled up what do I do Patriots owner Robert Craft just give it a tug it’ll straighten Out all right I’m calling Joe Joe is on a vacation far away you called him up to it over oh yeah this thing so many you to say your message when theep over I don’t to your tonight super long I already missed your call tonight
Joe pick up pick up Joe Hey Joe what’s with these crooks on Wall Street oh my God don’t even get me started on those guys Joe shut up no one cares just tell me are you in the real world or are you a cutaway uh no I’m at home why do you
Need me for a cutaway okay good just making sure you’re not cutway Joe hey you know that should be your answering machine cutaway Joe to cottony Joe call me back in 3 minutes Jo we don’t have call me back in 3 minutes 3 minutes later I just called you where did you go
Where did you run to cutaway Joe hilarious right Joe we’re stuck in cutaway land how do we get out well according to a 16-year-old autistic fan in akan Ohio in order for the Griffins to escape from a theoretical cutaway land they must first journey back to the original Family Guy cutaway with Adolf
Hitler and kill him that’s it we’ll kill Hitler to prevent cutaway land and nothing else but how do we get there our setups aren’t working well this is where it gets a little complicated in order to return to the original cutaway each family member Must [Laughter] waves wow Joe’s instructions were perfect well who’s going to kill Hitler Peter I got got to admit I’m not comfortable with this plan yeah I know he was evil but do we really have the right to take the life of another human being human being it’s Hitler wow the
Middle class morality of Brian Griffin Hitler head yo he cried like a [ __ ] when I did it let’s get out of here wait we’re back mag you saved us why are all these principles in our house you don’t want all these nuts roaming the streets Gary another lroy over here
Pample moose if they have it Yeah are you okay wa what what’s happening you’ve been passed out for 22 minutes babbling about cutaways and Hitler we were so worried I wasn’t that worried well maybe you shouldn’t have eaten those raw oysters I I’m fine I’m fine let’s just go home all right let me
Take this Sweet Sticky popsicle paper to that beach trash can that has bees on it now damn it ah the record store Follow the greatest albums of all time and the employees who hate every one of them hey do you have the Eagles Greatest Hits yeah it’s under o for obvious and
Overrated thank you bearded failures you know it’s stores like this where you learn about the Real History of Rock and Roll not the water down version you get in every movie about a musician’s life yeah all those biopics are the same story unsupportive parents hit song band turmoil having giant horse teeth and
Dying of AIDS all of them are exactly the same and check out this section for the doors Jim Morrison is a legend whether we like it or not he had the Good Sense To Die before we could see him at the Pachanga casino and go oh my God that’s
Him it was the’ 60s a time of great fateful Mist frisbee catches the iconic band was formed one day when Rayman zerk met Jim Morrison on Venice Beach thanks I’m Rayman zeric what’s your name Jim Morrison Light My Fire wait wait a minute wait what did you just say say
That again Light My Fire yeah that that could be a song that’s tolerated for Generations what do you say you and I form a band a band but this is the 60s we don’t have nearly enough floppy heads of hair to do that hey you guys starting
A band mind if we join yes you’re both in we are going to be huge you guys and nothing’s going to get between us not drugs or alcohol or the first toxic relationship that comes my way look out easily manipulated runaway coming through screw you guys I’m following
That lady and there’s nothing you can do about it I am the doors Jim be reasonable we haven’t even named ourselves that yet look I’m gonna get right to it and say I miss making music with you bastards thanks I’m Charles Manson what’s your name Jim Morrison kill
Sharon Tate wait a minute what did you just say say that again this is how women n drugs dance yeah Jim Morrison loved me two times wait wait wait a minute what did you just say say that again well Jim I’m flat at you broke into my home but I have a serious
Boyfriend and I think you should leave but I’m a rockar and he’s an astronaut you know unfortunately for you this is the one time in history where astronauts are cooler than rockstars well I don’t care you’re my muse and I’m moving in with my trash bags of bad
Poetry the caterpillar a tiny hair snake nay because of his many many legs the snake a large hairless cat pillar nay on account of no legs the snake a pillar wow such a genius huh now I do have a boyfriend but I’m also a free spirit
That’s my fun little way of saying I’m a [ __ ] so how’ you like to have sex with my kite sized woman weave M it’ll mesh perfectly with my giant nest of tight ringlets Jim call me the Lizard King a lizard King yeah now call me Arch duuk salamander emperor of noots you’re the
Arch Duke I’m done velcro just like my Shoes early on Jim Morrison had terrible stage fright so he performed with his back to the crowd the only thing that calmed his nerves was what everyone was using back then strawberry Nest quii it upset his stomach terribly because of his lactose intolerance a condition that would escalate to full-on cream bigotry
Yeah that’s the stuff and up 1 2 3 Uh-oh my fart’s stuck in the pants well get it out we’ve got a show to [Applause] do we all feeling good tonight I know I’m feeling good uh this next one’s called Break On Through yes Break On Through Jim there someone you have to meet hello I’m someone with no knowledge of music who is somehow controlling the music industry and I want to make you a star well how do I know I can trust you cuz I’m not just an agent I’m a fan
Really absolutely in fact I’d love your autograph on the bottom of this contract in absence of any legal counsel come on buddy you’re embarrassing me they did it they signed the contract that would make their cocaine dealer rich and then it was off to the studio for a shirtless Rehearsal what the hell Jim you look terrible are you back on the quick please I’ve barely stirred today all look I’m sorry I’m ready now all right I’m ready to make this college dorm room poster damn it Jim we’re here to make an album not a
Poster make an album why didn’t you say so bring in the terrible twoo involved girlfriends guys Jim meet my girlfriend Yoko o yes she’s beloved by everyone close to me and Prides herself on not messing with a good thing I’m just going to get out of
The way and let you guys do your music you won’t even know I’m [Applause] here [Applause] You guys want to see something you want to see if it’s as big as they say it is what the hell is he doing now that night marked the end of Jim Morrison’s rock guard status when he was unable to find and expose his penis in a Florida music
Venue like every man who can’t find his penis Jim Morrison moved to Paris where he did heroin one night and drowned in a bathtub there was a movie about the doors if you’re a bunch of guys in college wanting to make all the girls go away put on the movie The Doors poof
They’re gone then it’s just you and your buddies you could have gotten laid but you put on the doors why’d you do that well if we learned anything from Jim Morrison’s tragic tale it’s that white guys definitely invented rock and roll what that’s bull crap rock and roll
Was invented in the Mississippi Delta by black people Jerome if black guys invented rock and roll then how come everyone else in a vintage vinyl record store is a stock photo meme white guy you ain’t heard of the black man who invented rock and roll cuz he never got
A movie about his life but I’mma educate y’all on the greatest rocker of all time delta blues Man Muddy Drawers muddy grew up in a shotgun shack in the Deep South his family was so poor they lived underneath the mighty Mississippi they all had to share one room and one mustache well I’m off to make something of myself with this here guitar don’t go chasing no white women too far away
Can’t hear You in those days black people had nothing but they still had to wear suits everywhere the only instrument muddy could afford was a one string guitar that one guitar string was also the family belt despite all his setbacks muddy would do whatever it took to master the
Guitar even if it meant making a deal with the Devil Himself so he headed on down to the crossroads the crossroads being a fancy school in Los Angeles Toby Maguire’s kid goes there you’d see him sometimes dropping off not all the time but sometimes hey Toby see you at the holidays
Show stupid Fanboy you ain’t ever getting that invite to dinner with the gyllen Halls muddy was right he never got invited to dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal or his sleepy eyed sister which is probably for the best she looks like she chews with her mouth open but muddy did get his guitar lessons from
The devil sign here and you’ll be the greatest guitar player who ever lived all it’ll cost you is your soul okay you got yourself a deal and just so you know with this purchase of a soul I will also give a soul to a child in need yeah yeah
I don’t want that it’s no additional cost to you mhm it’s just my way of giving back out of my end seems like it’s probably baked into the price so buddy went out and created a new sound the sound of rock and roll it was so groundbreaking that an apathetic sound
Mixer put down his newspaper and his stale cup of coffee to pay attention this song has one line I’m going to sing it several times that’s it well this song has one line I’m going to sing it several times not just once listen this song has one
Line I’m going to sing it several times the song was a hit it got money his first record contract now since he was a black former naturally he went on tour in the part of the country that’s so racist it’s known as the Boston of the South he was given
A white driver the record company chose an Italian American man so muddy would be used to hearing all the worst Rachel slurs before he got there big CW dad’s guy huh oh yeah they’re the best please look at the road while you’re driving I wouldn’t know about craw dads never had
Him what oh you got to try him here take the rest of mine I assist but muddy had had craw dads many times that was just his little trick for getting free craw dads from course Italian what are you working on I’m trying to write a nice letter to my wife
Marjerie but I never been any good with damn it what are those things words yeah I I never been any good at words in fact I’m downright great at him I could help you if you want yeah could you make it sound so she think thinks me a white guy
Is the one who actually wrote it easy write this dearest marjerie I can’t wait to get home and back that big fat ass up back back back it up back back back it up Wu Tang Clan Ain’t nothing to mess with dearest margerie a lady who worked
At the hotel we were staying at had like the freest chest I’ve ever seen yours Vinnie ultimately then he went his own way with the letter hey Mary I was thinking since we made it to the part of a story where we realize that we’re not so different from
Each other we should celebrate yeah what do you have in mind I don’t know maybe That whoa whoa whoa this is a wh’s only Carnival it’s okay Vinnie let’s get get out of here no this is unacceptable and it will not stand my friend is a human being we demand recourse unconscionable and though the trip was soon over a friendship was formed that
Transcended race but it would not last long what the hell all the pages and my song book are torn out Dear muddy I have something to confess I stole all your songs and my real name is Elvis Presley that’s son of a [ __ ] damn you Elvis Presley oh well there’s still an
Exciting future ahead of me this ain’t the end of my story oh no the screen’s turning sepia this is the end of my story I got to get to a stool for the one old timey black guy Museum position photo anyone will ever know me by muddy didn’t make it to
The stool in time for his photo Elvis never gave him the credit he deserved and people were pissed when greenbook won that Oscar the End great story Jerome Elvis really was the best Peter is that Stewie oh yeah looks like he’s going to do one next you’re going to let the baby do one oh I’m sorry are your children funny no ah here it is Elton John’s greatest hits a collection of songs by the one
Gay guy on Earth with a worse haircut than Pete Rose we’ll defer that end of year bonus to the following fiscal quarter harvest the losses on our cap gains that’s a no-brainer and let’s see update my beneficiary designations uh yeah I think so damn I’m good Elton John what the hell do you think you’re doing it’s just a little number crunching pop what’s going on in here what are you ask your son the tax man I found these under his mattress W twos I I was holding them for a friend what what are you doing pop no
Son of mine is going to be a heterosexual paper pusher you need to be a loud and proud performer like your gay all Dead du you hit me oh Elton I’m telling you this because I love you you’ll never find someone to love you not even Dolly Levi could help you who’s Dolly Levi H oh where did we go so wrong so Elton John collaborated with Bernie toppin who would write the lyrics for elton’s song
Bernie was married three times in a desperate bid to convince the world he was not a homosexual all right Bernie what do you got uh how about this yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen they are oh I I’m not gay you’re not you you
Just seem very yeah I’m British we all seem that way even if we’re not but secretly are Elton meet the best producer in the business kid how would you like to sign with my label naive young Talent records together we are going to make me Millions sounds fair to me let’s get to
It from then on elton’s new male producer rode him day and night when Elton was tired of playing he’d get right behind him and push him on the stool until he was finished sometimes Elton would cry because of how hard he was pushing but it paid off
Because in the end they had a massive load of hits just a just a big messy load of hits the night Elden John performed at Dodger Stadium he was so nervous he almost never left the dressing Room well dude no I’m just a straight Moment of clarity oh I’m sorry I didn’t uh but his reflection had walked away never to return and he had to do his own makeup also due to a scheduling error the Dodgers had a game that night and Elton had to bat fourth in the
Lineup it’s a minoff single and the Dodgers [Applause] win Elton John was heavily involved in the LA party scene and things took a dark turn one night when he and Bernie went to a party in the Hollywood Hills one where you park way down at the bottom and have to walk all the way up
God how much farther is it I don’t know you didn’t get a tryptic that’s cuz the rockar doesn’t get the tryptic the writer gets the triptic damn it here comes another person walking to the same party let’s stop so we don’t have to walk with him the whole way when they
Said this party was far out they weren’t kidding I know right look we’ve got to be close I can hear the music damn it we’re in the wrong Canon well I’m exhausted come on let’s just go home I don’t know I kind of want to stay out
Hang on hey what’s the cocaine sitch like at that party enough to kill a Belushi but you probably don’t want to come it’s a real sausage fest over here I’m going to that party Elton if you leave me right now it’s a big deal because this is the time of the story
Where that’s a big deal what’ you say I couldn’t hear you over the sound of snorting have fun getting home without a trip dick trip dick W looks like Elton learned how to write How is he doctor well looks like your husband’s going to be all right Mr I’ve been married three times I’m Bernie toppen you know what don’t worry about it I already forgot who you are anyway congratulations Elton will be back on his knees in no time look at me at some
Hospital next to a Denny’s by the airport all day long it’s just Denny’s and the Jets wait what did you just say say that again the important thing is you’re alive thanks hey why do you say we get the old team back together for a what do
They look like now credits Montage well we can but I’m not sure you’ll like it that’s what I look like who is letting me out of the house like someone in the future is seriously failing me yeah you look like a Candyland villain that came
To life I know you look like a muppet that teaches kids about being gay all right that’s enough why are we making fun of me I’m not a bad guy let’s just make fun of sha Hannity again he looks like a guy who just ODed on Just For Men
He looks like Alan ER he’s a guy whose wife yells at him for getting his ball powder all over the bathroom all right we could do this all day for more hanity slams go to Family Guys YouTube page and hey if you think of your own leave it in
The comments he’s the guy your mom dates twice and then yells at you for the remote okay but now we’re done well I can’t think of a better way to end our visit than by remembering The Four Lads who started a band in 1962 and change the world forever Steve B who
Steve Dale Bob and Robin the trash men oh everybody About everyone Welcome to our summer block party now eat and drink up yeah and also enjoy Pandora it’s great music and all the ads are tailing to me try hymns for men if you’re experiencing erectile dysfunction hmns for men delivers right to your door don’t tell your doctor about your heart problem or
He might not give you the penis pill hymns for men yeah must be some kind of mixup I don’t even know what that product is hi I have an unmarked discreet delivery addressed to Peter Griffin’s penis ah yes I will take these business papers thank you this was
Supposed to be here yesterday I had to use tape and a popsicle stick all right time to slippery slide you sure slippery slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps really cuz the Multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun hi hola I’m a real boy who
Was put here by a witch okay Bri watch and Learn yay Fun the public humiliation you must be a United States Senator good one Joe come join me at the barbecue with the other favored men yeah we’re having a blast no no no no no now well Megan insisted that one corner of the grill be vegan and then she ate a
Rib in front of everybody she’s all over the place today oh my God there’s blood in my pants and it’s coming from my crotch I’ve seen enough commercials during The Good Wife to know there’s only one explanation rert I’m having my period it’s a true right of passage like an
Italian’s baptism in the name of the Father the Son and the Holy Ghost you will now Drive a Camaro hate every minute of your yearly vacation to Italy and get very upset when your sister starts to date sorry I’m late I brought Clark hey father drown me in this water she’s breaking my Heart I’m exhausted three beers at a barbecue and my whole night was hand against the wall peas what happened to me I feel like feel like I’m in a funk I’m also in a funk but n i too feel AG related weariness yeah I’m also pretty
Down my real estate agent died what my real estate agent like most single men my only Christmas cards are from my realtor and the guy who sold me my car we kind of age together I seem to recognize your face hating familiar I can’t seem to place it cannot find
The candle of thought to light your name Life Time are catching all with me all these changes take place I wish I’d seen the place but no one’s ever taking me Hearts and Thoughts they F Fade Away how did he die he was screw in a client’s wife and the guy shot him you know I’m pretty down too the other day I was watching the birthday segment on Entertainment Tonight Axel Rose is 60 wow 60 Cleveland how old is Heavy D dead
Ah that sucks and I don’t know about you guys but I’m terrified of everything now like teenagers I hear that if I see one on my road I don’t deliver the mail what are you doing it throw it in the ocean a seagull once fished out a college
Acceptance letter got to go to forom welcome to the forom class of 2026 all right glad someone’s excited man what the hell happened to us why are we such losers sounds like like you fellas are finding yourselves in a trough oh hey Mr Mayor how are you hey can we talk about
Expanding bike Lanes in urban centers qu my shut up you shut up we’re not going to change the Earth with silence Peter if I may say so I think you boys need to stop sitting in bars and cubicles and go recapture your Frontier Spirit two terrible Airlines I own a Dude Ranch on
The outskirts of town you feel should spend a weekend there you’d be surprised what a man can a cheve when he steps away from the Comforts of city life I bet you find your courage and who knows maybe even some peace of mind well I think going there sounds like a great
Idea yeah it’s exactly what we need I’m in I’ve never seen a horse great it’s settled we are going to a dude ranch all right I happen to know Austin Texas has 8ft bicycle Lanes now I’m not looking for anything that expansive but if a Greener Cog is what we’re after I think
We’ve got to start moving the needle oh so just get rid of the sidewalks that’s not what I’m saying Joe it sounds like that’s what you’re saying hey whatever this is wrap it up before you all show up to the ranch yes sir and do we need special clothes for ranch dressing I’d
Wrap that up Too wow look at this place it’s pretty cool oh that’s a horse I’ve seen those morning fellas morning Mr Mayor hey can I get a room far away from the ice machine ice machine see that’s that’s why I want to be away from it fellas I think we had a
Miscommunication this isn’t a hotel it’s a working Ranch you do your chores during the day and sleep in the barn at night what I thought this was a vacation yeah I thought it’d be fun like Young Guns with kefir souland and blue diamond walnuts sorry but you’re not going to
Find your Pioneer spirit in a hotel here have a hat my own cowboy hat listen up this isn’t just a hat it’s an oath an oath that you’ll live by the Cowboys code of honor you’ll wear it at all times you’ll put it over your face when you sleep over your chest when
You’re delivering bad news and over your privates when an ouse falls down comically around you you help mine’s small enough that I don’t need the Hat we’re going to fix That oh Rupert I need my heat pad I need Kate I need Leo and I need ice cream and I need not a word from you about it hey Stewie oh hey Bri guess who woke up to a Red Dawn what you know bobin with the
Red Robin call Off The Hunt for Red October because we found it Red Rover Red Rover can’t go in the pool today over none of these are actual phrases says the man I’m having my period it’s like The Shining elevator down there my 21st century box has been conquered by
Eric the very red yeah this is getting dangerously close to a Will and Grace now but if you’re bleeding down there it’s clearly because you hurt yourself on the slippery slide oh yeah if I’m not having my period Then why am I drinking herbal tea from a large Earth andwar mug
With no handle on it trust me boys can’t get periods Brian it’s 2022 there’s no such thing as a boy anymore or a girl just a vast sea of chubby V and them so C by their sanctimonious woke parents who think activism is virtue signaling on Instagram if Martin Luther King could
Come back and see what they were doing in his name he’d never stop throwing up maybe maybe you are having your Period if you you fellas are going to become Cowboys the first thing we need to do is Parry y all up with a horse great I want this one now hold on Peter real cowboys don’t choose their horse the horse chooses Them don’t leave please don’t take away promise just one more go when time now it’sing fast every second every moment got we got to make it laugh I touch you I touch you twice I Won’t Let Go R I need you I need you always we Be I won’t cry I won’t waste one single day but if you don’t look I the other way years the bridge standing knows what happens now you got you got hey Peter just wanted to make sure you’re okay yeah I was pretty bummed but then I found these great desserts labeled
Cowpie you’re off to a real bad start here Peter just a real bad start Wow can’t believe we’re doing a real cattle drive I know look at us we’re Cowboys now hold on you fellas ain’t Cowboys yet not until you blaze your own Trails buddy of mine in high school could Blaze his own trail used to do it on the floor at a locker room and we’d
Be like ah while I appreciate the anecdote we like to keep our onand singular out here on the Prairie yes sir what I mean fellas is that to find your courage you need to do the last leg of this journey on your own and drive these cattle back to Camp awesome I’ll drive
This one Peter the cattle chooses You rert where’s my CeX planetary belt and do we still have any wampo vaginal cones well this is weird no blood it’s only been a day I don’t understand no I’m not going to ask about feminine hygiene issues on forchan you’ve got to relax for that sight man
Ah here we are shortterm sporadic bleeding is generally not due to a period but is more indicative of spotting spotting what’s spotting oh my God rert I’m pregnant how did this happen H what do you care anyway I’m sure you’ll do what you always do and bury yourself in your
Work I have Stewie on one he says he’s been trying your cell uh Stewie he just stepped into a meeting we’ll have to Return one Two this court rules that the farmer has violated the Americans with Disabilities Act the farm hereby belongs to the Sheep one guys I can’t go to sleep without watching a Fraser rerun can one of you please tell me a Frasier all right Once Upon a Time Frasier audition for a
Community play no not that one one one where he’s with Niles that’s fair those are the best ones Once Upon a Time Fraser and Niles were invited to a dinner party and both brought the same wine look at that already asleep H guess everyone’s sleeping it’s just me and you Mr bear
Bear well it’s okay guys we might be getting attacked by a bear or we might just be on bear scares what’s Bear scares only Latvia’s number one bear prank show bear scares laia’s number one bear prank show now available on tape sold on blankets by African guys in New York
City bear scares gal Bears sound different in laia what are we going to do oh no the Bear’s going after Quagmire I’m going to run behind this tree and then the Bear’s going to drag me out me and very clearly not a dummy who he then tosses Around ah oh no I’ve being tossed around oh God now we’re all going to be tossed around oh no oh no help make him stop a this is the real me my Dum is riding a horse gety up yeah little nice X well glad to see you’re no longer crying on the couch yes it turns out I was wrong about my period good I’m glad you came to your senses because I’m pregnant I’ll pay to get rid of it I’m sorry that’s that’s just a reflex yes I
Freaked out at first too but I we decided it’s for the best so if it’s a boy I’m naming him Timothy after Timothy shalamay and if it’s a girl I’m naming her shalam after Timothy shalamay what do you mean you don’t like him name another A-list actor who couldn’t sit in
The front of a car because he’s too light Stewie this is ridiculous you don’t like him either for God’s sake he looks like a marionette who broke loose from his strings he’s a daintier Eddie redm if there’s another actor who you can put in your checked baggage without
Going over the limit I’d like to hear it damn it Stewie you’re not pregnant oh boy the dog knows he lose attention when the baby comes you are the baby a male baby look I know all kids like to play makeb believe and pretend to be adults sometimes they even convince themselves
Of it now you’ve brought a new twist to this I don’t want to diminish how weird this is but it’s time for it to stop because for God’s sake you are not pregnant okay look I didn’t mean to break it to you so harshly no no I just
Realized now that I’m pregnant I can’t eat sushi you know what fine you’re pregnant thank you it’s just too bad you’re going to gain all that weight what when you’re pregnant you gain like 30 lb 30 lb but I only weigh 15 well no matter at least I’ll sleep comfortably and continue to
Have the same size not swollen feet but I just bought Tom brown boots I got them for myself as a push present sorry Stewie enjoy the Miracle of Life oh dear perhaps being pregnant will be more difficult than I thought and we still have to plan a gender reveal party
Okay would you rather do a cake reveal or burn Nappa to the ground oh man that bear kicked our asses well thank God we’re all okay good job Joe you stayed positive it’s while you’re the rock of the group wait a minute where’s my cowboy hat I think the
Took it who gives it what the hell Joe I always saw you as the rock of the group damn it don’t you see fellas we made a oath to the May to get our manhood back and our hats are that manhood so we got to find that bear and get it back I
Don’t know that sounds dangerous come on the whole reason we came here is cuz we turned into cowards the mayor wanted us to finish this cattle drive like real cowboys and that’s exactly what we’re going to do we’ll do it with courage and teamwork who’s with me yeah that’s just
Spirit Well Bri I’m heading out for sushi in my new boots so I’m guessing you got rid of the baby yes it was a tough decision but today I took a morning after cocktail of Flintstones Vitamins oval te castor oil and a splash of Dr Pepper since its name is both a
Medical professional and a vegetable well I think you made the right decision me too I’m probably the only person under 18 ever to say this but being pregnant is fun until it forces you to make sacrif Us in any way uh yeah I guess that’s an okay takeaway I just
Hope little Timothy or shalam understands I think he or she would have grown up to be a strong woman or a very weak man so uh you know that you were never pregnant right yes I went to the hospital for a sonogram and got yelled
At by an angry nurse in case you were wondering whether she likes nonsense she um she does not I can’t believe we haven’t found in the bear yet I was sure he’d be lured in by my tax portfolio seminar uh-oh I’m going to get ranted remember that movie we all said was
Amazing and then immediately forgot don’t worry Peter we got this Yeah all right and I last owed his neck so he can masturbate Now give me back my hat you son of a [ __ ] good job fellas you really showed me Something old man West the owner at a ranch Peter this isn’t Scooby-Doo you ever notice how most Scooby-Doo villains are small businessmen who doesn’t like small all businessmen odd Choice by the creators sorry to put you boys through the paces I felt like you needed a little nudge to find your courage here
Peter you earn this thanks Mr Mayor I’m going to wear this hat forever actually Peter the Hat chooses you I won’t cry I won’t waste one single oh it’s good to have you home Peter thanks the ranch was nice but I think the big lesson here is that no
Experience is worth sleeping on the ground oh God no and my groin is a raging fire from one day on a horse kids don’t ever do things you don’t normally do you’ll just be punished for it my blue collar dad is hostile to new experiences well that’s Bonnie and Donna
I have to go what oh the mayor also runs a ranch for women trying to get in touch with their femininity ladies these grocery carts are an oath pretty sure the male version of this is better I might say the same thing about Ghostbusters we got the house guys your
IPad flashlight is on God she’s old what house Mom the Airbnb in net we wanted for the 4th of July there was a cancellation so I swooped right in and scooped it up the Pelicans strikes again the Pelican yeah some people call me that cuz I swoop and scoop who calls you
That some people who it’s really catching on from who look everybody just pack your bags because we leave tomorrow I thought you said July 4th it’s October yeah but we always celebrate our holidays off peak to save money I don’t know this feels forced oh come on you
Kids are all getting older we are running out of time to do stuff together as a family plus this is our first Airbnb that’s that’s a huge mom Milestone you know I heard that every time someone says Airbnb a white woman can hear it from 5 miles
Away sounds like the Pelican got her Airbnb [Applause] Who I’ve never been to Nantucket it’s pretty nice yeah I like that everyone arriving gets a personal serenade from James Taylor oh I’ve seen Chris and I’ve seen Meg I’ve seen Burger rappers crumbled by the legs you know I heard his backstage Rider is just a single carton of oat milk This place is pretty tight mom I know look at the sign in the kitchen but first coffee yeah yeah that first that makes no sense in what way we don’t know what the choices are so how can we definitively say but first coffee but that’s the point it doesn’t matter
Whatever it is first coffee hey what if our kids having a heart attack God forbid oh well still but first coffee well I don’t think what if a 911 hops through the window with a dynamite vest are we free to scatter or must we Face
The blast mug in hand I just thought it was a fun sign is all oh look at them when was the last time you saw the kids play together like this huh no clue I do most of my parenting with my eyes closed you know it’s this house sometimes all a family
Needs is a change of scenery to strengthen their bond yeah that or a threesome yeah oh you can’t even make it through a twosome or a onesome you are very close to being a sit in a chair and watch guy my cardiologist said the same thing okay guys everyone pick out one
Souvenir from the trip is a seagull a seagull is not a souvenir what about no birds the stores here in the off season are kind of sad most of them are empty yeah but I do like that James Taylor sings a personal serenade every time one
Closes for the season a sign goes up as the sun goes down another year in the books she put the fun in funnel cakes or at least that’s what I see on that board ah Sweet edgeless Rock and Roll you could shave a baby’s head with it Brian what is that that’s saltwater
Taffy what have you never tried it before I have four teeth if it’s not applesauce I’m unfamiliar Taffy is like the official candy of vacations they have free samples we should take some yes free samples is my favorite way to slowly sink a Business oh this is incredible it tastes like a memory of a life well lived yeah that and like a little bit of mint you know it’s the end of the season so all that Taffy is on sale if we buy in bulk and bring it back to Cog we’d make a
Killing that’s a great idea we are going to make more money than cryptocurrency Carl I’ll take it under one condition you make everything matte black okay matte black the world baby now let me just check my portfolio yes no yes no yes no I feel so recharged after that trip a
Total recharge weekend don’t you feel recharged Peter if by recharge you mean the slight change of routine short circuited my colon so I can only poop at 3:00 a.m. then yes I feel extremely recharged you know what we had such a great time I’m just going to book another visit to that
House huh that’s weird but I can’t book it what the hell the owner of the house gave us a zero star review she she said we stole something I’m ban from A and B ooh tough break for the Pelican okay which one of you little rats stole something from that house and
Don’t lie to me I’m your mother I can feel your lies and my ovaries the doctor said those were cysts from your lies they’re not going to talk Lois I say we hook him up to the lie detector Peter that’s not a lie detector that’s a ride
On sex machine it is well it got me to sing like a bird stop rolling it into rooms mom we didn’t take anything from the house did the owner say what was stolen maybe it was just a misunderstanding you know you’re probably right I’ll contact the owner
And clear it up oh yeah I think this is all going to work itself out Chris can you grab that W next to you and crank the speed up to Hummingbird hi Daddy it’s Lois from this weekend had such a great time with my family three exclamations three smiley faces thank you again for hosting prayer hands Emoji your flashlight still on you old [ __ ] I just wanted to reach out about the review you left you said we
Stole something shocked Emoji I think there was a mistake LOL I talked to my family and no one took anything should a shrug Emoji anyway would love to help clear this up best Lois Griffin three hot emojis and an accidental letter M when I hit send a bottle of
Shampoo oh I smell like one of those Farmers Market candles I never buy oh that forgot to grab one for Chris you absolute ancient hag all right Brian if we’re going to go door too and sell all this we need a game plan so let’s practice you and I
Walk up to a client’s house walking walking walking we’re walking walking walking oh up the steps and we knock on the door knock knock nothing nothing then they answer freeze now what do we tell the client we’re selling Taffy wrong the first thing every salesman needs to sell
Is himself right WR it down I didn’t bring a pen or paper all right after we sell ourselves what do we tell the client we’re selling Taffy wrong never tell the client what you’re selling the second you tell them what we’re selling they’ll know what we’re selling right
Wrong yeah I might need a pen and paper the second thing a Salesman needs to sell is an emotion all right let’s just skip ahead I’ll be the client okay you’ve sold yourself barely you’ve sold an emotion Nostalgia now what are you selling don’t you dare come to my house
And tell me what you’re selling yeah I’m having a hard time tracking this oh you’re having a hard time do you see what I’m doing here do you see my hand this gesture says that I’m in a domestic abuse situation and you’re doing nothing you’re just standing there not even
Telling me what you’re selling Taffy wrong so Mom did you ever find out what was stolen from that Nantucket house I did funny story never is it was a bottle of shampoo I must have packed in my bag oh no way you did it how does your fat foot taste Mom
Apparently taking the rest of a tiny bottle of shampoo is considered stealing nowadays answer the question about the foot how big was the bottle it was small I thought you said it was Tiny would it pass through airport security that’s the threshold it was very little oh now it’s
Little you’re all over the place may we see the bottle I would love to show you the bottle then you’ll see how ridiculous this is okay so this din is not one of her best efforts right big whiff I agree okay let’s pile that on too yo that’s borderline huge mom the
Size is misleading there was barely any liquid left in it it was butter into a finish it made an audible thud when you put it down I hated tonight’s chicken I am not wrong here okay we paid a lot of money for that house and taken the ass
End of a shampoo bottle barely makes a dent into their Hall there definitive proof that your mother always describes big things as being smaller than they are did you hear that Chris we’ve all seen it Dad A good afternoon Mr Quagmire ah salesman look I’m going to be straight with you you see this coin purse it contains $87 which is what I allow myself to spend on Superfluous purchases every week it is currently open just like my ears if you wow me with your pitch the money is
Yours if it closes you have lost the sale now let’s hear it so as you can see we have all the classic flavors it’s like a vacation in a box all the fun of the beach without that pesky commute I don’t know I only like taffy when it’s got cute little jokes in
Them something to laugh at while you’re doing all that cheerwing who doesn’t love laughing that’s why our Taffy comes with jokes too it does this is Brian’s personal phone number every time you eat a Taffy call that number and he’ll tell you a joke hello hi I’m eating my Taffy what time
Is it very late I work nights and I like to have a treat while I watch my infomercials joke please oh okay um uh What uh why why did the house go to the doctor because it had window panes oh that’s good I’m going to call
You again in 10 minutes when I have another piece yep I swallowed quicker than I Thought do you know how awful it feels to be labeled a thief for something as silly as a small bottle of shampoo yeah I heard the bottle wasn’t that small what where did you hear that Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners we can hear all your family’s conversation mhm
Okay you know I’m going to get a knife for this cheese oh let me get that for you they’re my grandmother’s knives so I’m going to need you to sign out which one you use okay that’s enough I see what’s happening here you think I’m a thief I
Can’t believe you’re not on my side I heard the bottle had a pump a pump who else are you talking to about this I’m on a couple of text chains discussing it oh God okay I got to fix this I am bringing that shampoo back to n Tucket it’s the only way Pockets did you come in with this chapstick yes I’ll uh check the Tape oh thanks for agreeing to meet me here Daddy of course Belle over the door Cafe has the best coffee on the island you know I wanted to clear the air with you about that bottle of shampoo it turns out we did take it by
Mistake I I feel terrible so I wanted to return it to you personally that’s so nice you didn’t have to drive all this way you could have just put it in the mail oh no the mail is so impersonal it was important I did this in person well thank you
Again so now that this is settled I was thinking maybe you could change your review oh I’m sorry no I can’t do that oh but but I returned the bottle Lois I write the reviews of my guests based on their behavior while they’re in my home
And you stole the shampoo and you only brought it back because you got caught so if anything you’re proving what I wrote about you was correct Dy d D look I am on my back here my legs are in the stirups forceps have been utilized there was some sort of suction
And still that’s not enough I’m not changing it can we turn that Bell off that Bell was the only item recovered from a shipwreck that devastated our Island entire families were torn apart and why am I telling you James Taylor wrote a whole song about
It 94 Souls set out on that day and only a bell came back and it sings ding ding ding ring ding ding ding ringer ding ding shut up James Taylor things can happen in New England without you needing to sing about it I think you should leave okay you win
Daddy you got your shampoo back and you officially got me cancelled this isn’t being cancelled I think it is it’s not shut up James Taylor you don’t scare me lady I was married to Carly Simon You stole the shampoo Lois I’m not changing the review I heard it had a pump ring ring ding ding no I can’t let her wi stop the fairy we haven’t left yet ma’am What’s your weakness Daddy I am going to find it oh God Lois no much chder for you oh door Dash that’s it okay time to do a choppy FaceTime with the kids hey Lois when are you coming home Stewie Tu Stewie why what poop up I with an oven
Mitt what with an oven mitt what hi Mom poop up who everybody poop in the tub more poop than water come home ding ding ring ring ring ding ding ring ding ding ring ding ding ring ding ding ring ring ring ding ding ringer ringer ding ding ding ding This is terrible Brian we’ve barely sold any boxes nobody likes Taffy yeah I guess without the Salt Air and ocean views it’s just subpar gum what are we going to do we sunk a lot of money into this we need to Pivot it’s not selling
Us candy so we need to repackage it as something people actually want let’s brainstorm okay H you know I’m really not liking your brainstorming face but very unlikable eyebrow movement sh I got it I got it colored layered sand in bottles that’s a whole different bad idea okay what about
Bottles with layered sand in it that’s different colors that’s the same thing except with the words in a different order we’re never going to sell all this stuff unless we can find a big enough group of suckers to trick into taking it off our hands well we found him Stewie rebranding this
Taffy as chewan on was a stroke of Genius yep and when we told Joe Rogan had cured Co we were off God bless our stupid stupid country hello Daddy Lois what are you doing here I brought you dinner and delivery complete oh well would you look at that it looks like
It’s my turn to give someone a review what after every delivery drivers get to rate their experience with the customer wouldn’t it be a shame if one of only two door Dash drivers on the island gave you a poor review well they might ban you from the
App daddy you might actually have to leave the house for food during the winter season hey what do you want money no no no no no here’s what’s going to happen daddy you’re going to take out your phone open up Airbnb then change that review okay type the following would
Would host host again again send so that’s it this is over that’s it this is over over you know what Daddy I did steal that shampoo you did you’re damn right I did I was always going to steal that shampoo and do you know why because when
I stood in your shower and rubbed that peach orchard scented bottle of bliss into my hair I felt like somebody else I felt like somebody who mattered somebody who had enough disposable cash that she could buy a cented shampoo that’s what airbnbs do Daddy they make you feel like
You live in a fairy tale life and I wanted that feeling the last and it did also I opened your locked closet and put on your wedding dress I ate yogurt in it oh my God yeah oh my God because that’s what Lois Griffin does really I
Should be thanking you for reminding me of who I am a secret little psycho with very little to lose and there’s a million of us out there and you’re just welcoming us all into your homes so if you ever think of giving someone a bad review again remember this we know where you
Live Airbnb what are you doing it’s your House well it all worked out what oh I said it all worked out I got my reputation back on Airbnb and Dy got to come up and I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t care oh I just thought we could share some conversation
To pass the time you’re the lady who yelled at me in the coffee shop you think I give a crap about anything you have to say kind of thought you’d have a helicopter James Taylor Carly got it in the divorce you shower with your dog every
Day do you and your dog use the same soap if so one of you is damaging your hair really dial cross species is specially formulated for both humans and dogs you’ll like that it gets you clean he’ll like that it smells like beef that sounds great Jim are you showering with
The dog again what the hell all right Peta I’m leaving Bonnie invited me to the shooting range what yeah Bonnie says she goes every week I think next time you should bring someone else now he’ll be watching Stewie and I don’t want you just to prop
Him up next to the TV all day take him to the park I want him to get some fresh air fresh air is bad for a kid Lois look at Michael J fox what I don’t know Peter you are taking Stewie to the park it’ll
Do you good to spend some time with your son there been lots of time with him Lois just last week I took him to the doctor Mr Griffin you’re here to get your prostate examined yeah this is [Applause] me is that your little one there oh no it’s it’s just the way I’m sitting nothing like a day at the park surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads wow look how high you’re going what an amazing day this is is Mommy spending $2,500 a month on you because that’s
What I’m sending mommy oh my God it’s only been 5 minutes and I’m already bored out of my mind damn I wish I could go to the clam huh well I guess I see those guys all the time a clown well I guess what’s the big deal huh it’s just
One oh I was quite sure it was just one from the size of the car hello Peter where the hell are you you got to get down to the clam man there’s like 60 clowns in here ah I can’t I got to watch Stewie Peter they threw what I thought was a bucket
Of water on me but it turns out it was just a bunch of confetti oh man I got to get over there okay okay it’s okay as long as I can still see him okay Stewie there you are there you are safe and sound Daddy can still see
You okay Daddy can still see you Daddy can still see you Daddy can still see you that was a wink but you don’t know it cuz it’s just a I we now return to Superman Lois what what’s wrong Clark we all have breast cancer the doctor says
It’s as if our breasts have been x-rayed 5 hours a day every day for the last three years oh my God that’s terrible first every woman I’ve ever known and now you guys boy it was smart to wait out that thunderstorm it’s Lois oh my God Stewie
Oh uh Hey Lois hey it’s hard to hear you over the sound of Joyful children in the park are you and Stewie having a good time uh uh yeah okay well let me talk to him I want to tell him mommy’s on a way home she wants to talk to Stewie what do
I do here give me the phone I do a great Stewie hey Lois it’s me the baby hi Stewie I’m on my way home Mommy misses you all right cool bring some beef jerky maybe I just bought you 10 minutes Stewie oh there my boy hey what happened to my new friend that kid who sort of looks like me from behind wait where’s the fat man well I guess this is it I’m going to die here I’ll never get to grow old and become an cross the country grandparent
What is this it’s a Skype a snake no a Skype snipe no it’s a Skype from your grandson Steven yes yes he’s right there trying to say hi to you what movie is this it’s not a movie it’s your grandson my grandson is in the pictures you did
This yesterday don’t holler at me I don’t understand anything I’m very Frightened wait a minute Stewie what happened to your head you’re not Stewie I got to get you back to the park and find All right kid your name is Stewie all right I’m your new dad my name is Peter and I work at the Brewer Nasha I work at Nasha hey Lois you look fat you should go for a run Peter I’m going to go give my baby a kiss good night lo I had an
Affair and I think we should talk about it Peter jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair see there’s a human baby in there as sleeping Stewie overalls Peeta please get out of my way great we woke up the doorbell I think there was a mixup at
The park my little Stewie oh Jacob where’s your little hat he didn’t have a hat oh I am so sorry I just got home myself I left my hus husband in charge which was obviously a terrible mistake thank you so much I took a bath with the dad oh my
Baby’s back home Mommy missed you congratulations Lois you passed the test you really do love Stewie now what do you say we all sit down and watch this Weird Al Yankovic documentary it’s called An Inconvenient tooth what’s wrong with you Peter Lois I’m sorry how the hell can you possibly
Mistake another baby for Stewie now calm down Lois you’re going to say something you don’t mean oh no I’m not you’re an idiot you don’t mean that I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad is that weird Peter I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years but today you
Crossed a line you left a helpless baby in a public park and that’s something only an idiot would do I’m not an idiot hey I think there was a mixup at the park We now return to the Karate Kid with realistic human feelings you’re all right laruso you just tried to [ __ ] me I hate the sound like every woman ever but I’m depressed don’t engage don’t engage why damn it Lois called me an idiot so so I don’t tell her all the
Bad things about herself like how the mole on her back is changing shape and size really quickly being Dum isn’t the worst thing Peter at least you’re not two foreign guys talking too loud in the next Booth much sorry friend man there are no women’s here we’ve got to make
Like 70s Rockman Garrett and leaf you said it Belgard looks like you and me will have to make hands on each other tonight ah gross I was just playing joke at you ah good one you should be comedy writer too late friend I already have comedy development at CBS oh nice CBS
Knows real situ ation I want to see for 100 episodes thanks my hysterical multicamera show is called wizard robot and his less successful friend ah man you know what America wants all right fine so I’m a dumb hot guy all right there’s worse things to be okay we’re
Only going to tackle one thing today Peter maybe you need to broaden your horizons you know read a book travel oh yeah I love traveling you see new things inconvenience thousands of people you know what you guys are right it’s time to travel to learn to experience new things I’ve been letting opportunities
Passed me by ever since I was a kid Hey kid get in my van and I’ll give you some candy no my mom says I [Applause] shouldn’t Hey kid get in my van and I’ll give you some candy okay Stella I need you to go to Chicago on
Thursday I can’t this week is the death gings oh my God this has been a 12 minute round why does every fight have to go to the death Angela if you got business traveling that needs to be done I’m your guy Griffin I’m not going to look over there until you first assure
Me you’ve got pants on it’s not a rule unless there’s a sign on the wall I won that court case fine so you’d be willing to take that trip to Chicago for the company yeah you know I was just saying I need to broaden my horizons you see my
Wife thinks I’m an idiot she’s always making me feel small and insignificant like John Goodman’s heartbeat honey my inside left boob’s stomach did that thing again you mean your heart um I don’t know about any of that but I think I should eat something well gentlemen thank you for
Coming Mr Griffin I believe you have something for me I yes I do Mr Franks terrific we were completely out of these tubes well thank you all for coming good day nicely done Mr Frank thanks Chief wait so that’s it hey you nailed it but I’m here till tomorrow night what am I
Supposed to do get out there and explore Chicago Peter it’s one of the great cities of the world there’s museums a symphony a Lyric Opera whoa whoa whoa whoa did you say chicken fashion show no oh but that that other stuff that they all sound like the kind of things I
Could do to expand my horizons wow Chicago the San Francisco treat I haven’t felt this sense a limitless Adventure since I went cave jumping here we go I told no one what I was doing today man I’m like the fifth most attractive woman in Chicago hi welcome to the museum thanks hey just
To be clear I should touch everything right no please don’t touch anything sorry it’s my first time in an adult Museum I’m used to petting the starfishes well maybe you’d find our audio tour helpful you have your choice of narrators our senior curator or Chicago’s own Dennis Finina hey there Chief Dennis finina here and Welcome to our Museum just so you know I’ll be eating through most of this yeah this one ah man that’s good sausage oops excuse me anyways this is at the mulen Rouge by tus L Trek uh it was from the
1890s now he was a mij but he painted like a normal now here is a naked chick made completely out of marble I got to wonder and I’m sure you do too how this thing didn’t crack when they were carving out her downstairs business he did a great job with the
Vagina here’s a picture by this guy Salvador DOL this guy I’m telling you was a freaking whacka dooodle wow who knew you could learn so much at a museum and this is only Chicago from now on I’m going to volunteer for every business trip and see all the great stuff that’s
Out there I’ve Been Everywhere man I’ve Been Everywhere man cross the desert be man I bre the Mountain Air man a travel I’ve had my share man I’ve been everywhere I’ve been AR Reno Chicago Fargo Minnesota Buffalo Toronto winow Sarasota witcha Ottawa OK Tampa Panama M laal Banger Baltimore Salvador amill to
Baron and pill I’m a Giller I’ve Been Everywhere man I’ve Been Everywhere man cross the desert be man I breathe the Mountain Air man TR I’ve had my share man I’ve been everywhere I’ve been to Boston Charleston Dayton Louisiana Washington Houston Kingston Texas monter fair day
Santa Fe DOA Glen Rock black rock Little Rock oscara Tennessee Tennessee chcka Spirit Lake Grand Lake de Lake crater lake beach Lake I’ve Been Everywhere We Now return to Janine garafalo and Mark rufalo in garafa rufalo turn it off Chris I don’t even want to know what that is is your father has returned yeah Peta how are all your business trips oh exemplary Chris I don’t understand what either of those
Words mean one of them was Chris Peta you seem different that’s right Lois I live the life of the mind now my brain is a wash with theorems and profundity and abstractions that I can pontificate upon at length Brian’s a wolf cat Peter you sound so refined are you intelligent
Now affirmative that means yes does that please you it does Peter well it should after all knowledge is the ultimate aphrodesiac shall we away for relations I’m not sure what you’re saying but let’s hump affirmative affirmative affirmative oh my God affirmative wow Peta that was great it was sorry I
Arrived early that’s okay and sorry about the bed spread that was about a week’s worth of arrive Mom Dad the TV’s broken actually Chris I got rid of our television this is our new bookshelf and I think you’ll find it has more channels than any TV we’ve ever owned I want to watch The Walking Dead then I shall read to you from Mary Shell’s Frankenstein I
Want to watch new girl perhaps you’d like to hear about Jane air who felt quite the new girl at Rochester’s thornfield Hall how about Game of Thrones instead I shall read to you from Game of Thrones oh finally another reader in the family you know these are some of my favorite
Books and authors oh what are you reading right now oh boy well I’m I mean I’m sort of between books right now yeah what was the last thing you read he’s got you on the rops now well I I’m actually rereading a lot of stuff yeah
Like what just tap out uh the classics you know going back to the uh Basics really words on the printed page thank you Steve Gutenberg right what is this Oak oh I don’t even think it’s Oak Peter I can’t get over the way you’ve transformed yourself how’d you do it
Well Lois some of it came from books some came from museums and honestly a lot of it just came from travel hey excuse me I need to rent a car uh preferably one where the radio is stuck on NPR Here you go hello it’s me I am returning how is
The car Coastal and Superior I never knew whisper talking was so smart and how will you be paying for your rental sir I will pay you with stories of my abusive father set to dissonant flute I was seven when he first came home drunk a child should sleep on his bed not under
It hey what are you listening to oh I’m sorry I’m learning Sanskrit you know an ancient tongue can be as titillating as a young one Peter what gives ever since you had all those business trips you’ve been acting weird pity a man in familiar places who yet Feels Like a Stranger you
You’re the dick who wrote that in the bathroom indeed being smart and cultured is so lonely now I know why Oscar wild turned to alcoholism and Bone inhalation gentlemen as they say in Sanskrit Shuba pratum you know what weird Shuba per bottom is my poor name what yeah first
Pet in Street you grew up on you’re a pet named shba oh yeah old chuba was a tough Pooch he was feared by everyone up and down for bottom drive you have a very weird past all right if this is to be a smart family we will have to learn not to
Giggle at smart things that sound dirty but are not ballzack Homo erectus spotted dick the results have been disappointing I I always thought spotted dick had something to do with Morgan Freeman we now return to wizard robot and his less successful friend H we’re in a real jar of jam this time wizard robot g go I have put too much Suds in this machine for washing clothes and tonight is the night I meet with other members of my form 12 learning mates to
Celebrate the exactly two groupings of 10 years ago oh excellent the situation has abated itself let us leave the room where no comedic situation will soon take place Rob my sucessful friend hey Lois no I wasn’t H Brian thank God it’s just you you know how
Peter thinks TV rots the mind oh as long as you’re here can you run some vocabulary with me I need to know to use these words in sentences by the time Peter gets home oh that should be easy just give me the word and I’ll put it in
A sentence for you an aine uh a friend asked me what anod means oh who am I kidding I’m never going to learn any of these words I can’t take this anymore Brian and the kids can’t either Peter’s become a nightmare hey I thought this is
What you always wanted for Peter not to be an idiot oh at least that Peter was fun and didn’t make me feel so stupid oh I miss the old Peter well we got to to do something cuz this new Peter just sounds all wrong like a pilot without a calming
Voice we’ve now reached our cruising altitude if you look out the window you’ll see the Rocky Mountains we have to get out of here wait a minute if visi in San Francisco and New York made Peter smart maybe if we send him to the dumbest city in the whole country it’ll bring back
The old Peta huh it’s worth a try Aloha is Peter home he’s pulling in now I sure hope Tucson helped heads up guys I farted on the doorstep but it’s hot on my trail oh Brian that’s a good sign how was your trip oh amazing I saw a wet t-shirt contest using chocolate milk it
Was at the Tucson philarmonic what else did you do yeah mostly just picked my desert boogers ah Peter you’re back thank God we all owe that trash City a debt of gratitude do you know battleship is still in theaters there say you fellas know if Jerome serves dessert here I got a real
Hankering for pudding that’s so weird I was just thinking about pudding on the way over here okay well you two clearly in love but I could also go for some pudding why we all got pudding on the brain it’s got to be that new billboard advertising pudding on the highway we
All drove past it on the way here huh well that’s no surprise everyone in my house can get very excited by a good ad Campaign Lois Lois it’s back I heard Peter I heard kids kids it’s happening and get your coats this is what we practice for I love you dad I love you too sweetheart none of the past matters oh yeah I seen that pudding billboard it’s a one that says CBS Outdoor advertising
On it yeah but right above that is like a big guy eating pudding I don’t remember none of that I just remember CBS Outdoor advertising on the bottom and three pigeons sitting on top you’re bad at looking at Billboards and we should go check it out right now
Ordinarily I’d say no but that adult kickball league is coming in for drink so let’s get out of here guys check it out I’ve got flip up shades on my flip up Shades dude you are the worst hey we’re all the Worst that’s real pudding in there what no it isn’t they wouldn’t put real pudding on a billboard Peter do you have any idea how crippled you sound right now Peter it’s not real pudding God sometimes I just want to shake some sense into you big talk for a guy who
Looks like a dad at a Dave Matthews concert everybody hates how you dress right Joe sorry I stay out of fashion debates I’ve been burned one too many times hey guys Noti us anything different yeah manetti’s got a hot new look the whole thing it just works
Manetti look there’s only one way to settle this I am climbing that billboard to prove it’s real pudding moisturizer sure okay we getting on into the chappie season Peter be careful up there is this being careful enough Joe okay all right Peter are you okay all right
There’s no pudding but there is a kid up here don’t hold him like that oh my God Peter that’s the Lost Nicholson kid he’s been missing for a week oh yeah they arrested a custodian cuz of you Peter stay put I’ll call this in and we’ll get
A crew out here to help you both down all right but can you hurry it up I got band practice later I love playing the Maracas they’re so fun I wonder what’s in them sand or rice probably maybe it’s little shells oh no what if it’s bones no no
Bones are too big but baby bones aren’t no no no nobody would kill a bunch of babies from Maracas how would you kill all those babies anyway I probably put them in a tub you could kill like eight at a time that way plus it softens them up so you can get
The bones right out Joe just had a baby and I got a baby at home I got a tub Peter you seem off today are you thinking about killing infants again no now you got to kill them too Mikey you’re safe thank you so much for
Finding my boy thank you for finding her boy I’m The Stepfather Peter Griffin in recognition of your heroism and helping to rescue Little Mikey Nicholson I’d like to present you with this key to the city now don’t forget to water the plants every other day and change the cat’s
Litter I’ll see in two weeks no parties thank you may West you know some of you out there are calling me a hero others are calling me a hogy those of you from Connecticut are calling me a grinder I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m not just pieces of meat between
Pieces of bread I am a man who unintentionally saves kids wow 20 years on the force and no one’s ever clapped for me except for that one sarcastic gay guy great observation I know you mean the opposite of what you’re saying fact is when I saved that boy I wasn’t
Thinking I don’t think I just do I wanted to see if a billboard had real pudding in it so I climbed up there and came out a hero it’s just like Gandhi always said eat as much as you want and do whatever and don’t be afraid to hit each
Other way to go Dad Peter that thing you said about not thinking and just doing stuff did did you mean that sure I did Joe I never stopped to think that’s why I’ve had ringor 11 times I will roll in anything you know what you’re right and it’s time I do the same
Thing hey chief it’s Swanson I quit Joe Swanson I don’t know if Ray Swanson’s quitting you’d have to ask him okay you just called me Ray again I just want to confirm that you understand that this is Joe no not see you tomorrow Joe what are you doing you can’t quit
Your job well that’s the other thing Bonnie you and I are done too what I’m leaving you Woo new Joe wow I can’t remember the last time Joe shot his gun I know that bullet’s been rolling around in his junk drawer for years hey Ma guess where I am yeah
Can you hear it flying through the air I don’t know what he shot at I guess I’ll just have to find out when I land no don’t put Terry on you you can just tell him heyy hi Terry oh God what what you know what I think it looks good you are you are just trying anything aren’t you just searching for an identity man and you think this is going to be it huh oh God whatever Peta I’m worried about Joe you
Know not not only did he quit his job he’s moved out and gotten his own apartment oh I feel terrible for Bonnie and the kids ah they’ll be fine he’ll bounce back just like Humpty Dumpty did after his fall my God it’s a miracle you were able to put me back together again
Yeah it was actually a pretty simple procedure maybe next time go straight to a medical professional and skip the horses and illiterate servants well that is the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall oh wait wait quag M hold up I got a great
Knock oh I got to remember that oh hey guys how’s it going hey buddy how you doing you okay everything okay I’m talking like this because I’m being very careful not to upset you and for some reason this is the voice people use to do that I’m great come on in check out
The new pad whoow you got an air hockey table yeah yep wanted it got it that’s the new joke and check this out it’s the gun that Nole Sprinter used to kill his girlfriend oh my God eh anyone who’s kind of fast gets a free pass from me
What kind of person would want to buy that I’ll tell you who the kind of guy who’s always got butterscotch candies for his Friends okay now that’s pretty cool I got to be honest Joe we came over here because we were worried about you but these candies tell me you’re doing great I’ve never been better I was living my life all wrong but not anymore no more thinking just living well it seems like
You made the right choice Joe I mean I ain’t seen anyone this happy since the invention of the penny fing bicycle Eureka watch it go higher than you faster than you better than you everyone just stop inventing stuff now cuz no one will ever top this oh no keep rakes away
I expressly said no rakes allowed on the street when I am riding my futuristic machine oh children this is progress how can you turn the Blind Eye to progress I expressly said no Rakes sup ladies oh we’re not ladies you hey what’s with the suitcase I got a surprise what would you guys think of a road trip oh in awesome road trip I love being super pumped for 15 minutes and then bored out of my mind for 8 hours
Where we going well I was thinking Niagara Falls Niagara Falls Ain’t That Just For Lovers n it’s for everybody it’s great to just stand there and let Mother Nature spray it all over your face Donna’s big fat ant is in town so I can definitely Go man I am filling these Gatorade bottles as fast as I’m drinking them oh sweet cows let’s tip them over what you want to tip over some cows hell yeah this is going to be so boss I can’t wait this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my
Life all right cow this is what you get for standing that was awesome I want to kiss that cow but I don’t want it to be my idea hey Peter you should kiss that cow all right Peter that was for tus but play it cool oh Cleveland I couldn’t
Okay Quagmire you should kiss that cow sure why not A okay they’re sleeping we’re going to have to party in the bathroom be careful around the really fat one he’s kind of like my boss what who who’s there Joe what the hell are you doing I went to a high school keger party made a few new
Friends this is Crystal aabot and cancer oh I see three young men who could use the Tickle Monster H that’s a bad read Pete Joe it’s 3: in the morning we’re trying to get some sleep you guys are lame we’re going to go smoke something called
Croak god what the hell is gotten into Joe I don’t know Quagmire maybe you could ask that Tickle Monster here we go to get you out great now I’m fully Up here we are guys Niagara Falls we showed them we showed them all showed who what the hell is he talking about I don’t know I stopped listening to him back at the drive-thru when he leaned out the window and ordered a fur burger that’s not funny that’s just nasty plus
There’s people waiting behind you wow you know when you see it up close it really is incredible yeah holy crap it’s beautiful in the future I believe there will be water wars you know Lois always dreamed about coming here and now I know why she was even saving money for
It you made it Lois you made it didn’t I tell you guys it’s the most magnificent place in the world and the greatest place to end it all goodbye Fellas oh my God Joe killed himself it’s so weird that he argued over the price of breakfast this morning it makes no sense damn it Joe Joe you’re alive are you hurt I’m not sure but hang in there Joe we’ll get some help no just let me die oh no can’t
Do that Joe we’re friends we look out for each other I mean you supported me that day I accidentally wore Lois’s jeans Peter you know you’re wearing I know I think there was a mixup oh thank you Jaz aze don’t worry Joe they’re coming for you yay my
Backpack hang in there Joe after they get that lady’s hat you’re next thank you it’s windy up Here yo what the hell is wrong with you why would you try to kill yourself why do you think I’m worthless but you’ve been so happy these last few days I’ve been manic do you think Andy Dick is happy I couldn’t imagine no look when I
Saw Peter become a hero I guess it reminded me of all the things I can’t do I’m a cop who can’t save anyone I’m a husband in a legless marriage my whole life is a joke but somehow as soon as I decided to kill myself I actually felt
Free almost giddy I can finally kiss this worthless life goodbye let me get get this straight the whole point of bringing us to Niagara Falls was just to kill yourself well I’m sorry I tricked you guys into coming I just wanted to spend my last week with my best Pals
Well not for nothing but you could have taken us all to Disney World and shot yourself in the room come on Joe there’s plenty of reasons to live like like you’re handsome you have a handsome face well he’s got a good chin I don’t know about handsome yeah he’s not handsome
But I will say this he keeps a good lawn yeah some might say the second best lawn in the neighborhood Hey where’s Joe Joe wait I stink at This anywhere is fine guys this is unnecessary give me my chair back no we can’t trust you not to kill yourself yeah then you’d be the 10th friend who’s killed himself in front of me is that true 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 those two girls and
And yeah yeah 10 look you guys what we really need to do is bring him back to cooh hog where we can get him some help that’s a good idea we should just go home yeah I guess you’re right it’s too bad we already bought those tickets for
The whirlpool Aero car that’s $16 we’re not getting back yeah what a waste of money it is only a 10-minute ride you know okay we’ll do the whirlpool Aro car and then take Joe back to Cog what about the Whitewater walk okay okay whirpool AOC car then white waterer walk then we
Bring Joe back well you can’t do Niagara Falls without riding the ma of the Mist yeah let’s do everything great and guys remember the pool tows go home with us they got no way of a counting for those well this has just been one heck
Of a fun day yeah yeah you know seeing the natural beauty of this place is actually making me feel much better hey hey you mind opening that door get a little breeze in here sure leader No I don’t regret it the breeze is Nice oh crap I’m losing my grip you buy your jeans at Walmart no somebody who lost theirs at the church did you wear Lost and Found Jeans I waited the mandatory week hang on Guys don’t worry I’m coming What’s that thing he’s on it’s a chair with wheels he’s an absolute Dream guys keep swallowing water we’ll drink our way out of This guys grab on to my Got it e you know this is actually the first time I’ve ever touched Joe don’t worry I got You oh thank God Joe I thought I was dead I even pictured my own funeral Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer walking home from our house Christmas Eve I don’t know Chris I don’t know why he wanted this but we’re honoring your father’s wishes I’m going to miss my Daddy Joe that was amazing you saved us well yeah I guess I did you know I spent the whole time trying to kill myself but it took C see and you guys almost die to realize that life really is worth living see Joe you’re a hero too and we
Wouldn’t trade you for any friend in the world thanks Peter I’m lucky to have you guys in my life we’re four friends having it Adventure for friends whoa whoa whoa whoa what’s that song nothing I made it up well stop it it’s terrible I don’t think so it’s catchy we’re for
Friends having an adventure for friends having an adventure Adventure at niagar Falls what wow that was awesome yeah definitely all right okay don’t anyone sing anything else until we get home we got to record this yeah that’ll be great I’m a barie girl in a barie world Come
On Barbie let’s go party Peter damn it no wait wait we got to remember the other one what was it Joe it’s gone Well that was kind of a weird trip but I’m glad we went yeah I love Niagara Falls I was the only black man ever to go there the tourists were taking pictures of me one of them thought I was a bear hey guys wow Joe you got your job
Back sure did how’d you pull that off H they always need more cops turns out not many people want to probably get shot for $24,000 a year and what about Bonnie how you getting her back well I got a plan for that I hired some guys to come
To the house on Tuesday and assault her and I’ll come in and save her and she’ll be so grateful she’ll have to take me back Jo today is Tuesday well Poop for Foreign for CL speech speech speech not my no then Foreign for speech fore for spee for spee For Speech fore no My
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