Hey Harvey nobody’s using number one table we can play right here yeah we’ll play here hey harie I’m I’m kind of thirsty what do you say we go inside first and and have a cold drink good idea come on George let’s go [Applause] all right Norton we’ll play for the same thing
25 come on will you [Applause] n what were you doing out there I stopped at the egg cream place to get some of these Donuts here that one big ones now you know I don’t want a pretzel I’m on a diet besides on the way home we can stop walk and get a
Pizza all right I’ll break wa man I get my weapon hey whoa how come automatically you break huh how let me break it’s very simple I’ll tell you why I’m breaking the last time we played you bre broke oh no no you broke because we toss the current and whenever you toss the
Current for the break I never win all right we’ll make it fair and square I’ll toss another current go ahead you call how about let me toss give me an even chance I’ll toss the C all right you toss it I take heads why do you want heads let me take
Heads why are you so particular on want heads that has nothing to do with it you’re tossing so I’m calling a I want heads oh wait a minute we both want the same thing I’ll play you odds and evens for who gets heads all right I’ll take
Evens you what I said I’ll take e how come you w’t even so sneaky go ahead and break the ball you are the stupidest man I ever knew maybe so but I’m breaking go ahead and break come on 65 cents an hour As She Goes and a scratch to
Boot now if you’ll stand aside and watch very carefully I will show you the Glorious results of a misspent youth I will now play the 14 ball in that furthest Corner boy you must have blew a lot of time going to school let’s go ahead and
Shoot wait a minute I got to spot a ball thank you you didn’t spot it in a very good place may I ask a question what are you doing just lining them up that’s all just lining them up I think I got them all set now H would you mind telling me what’s
Going to happen yes I’ll tell you a minute now then I like the eight and the 15 ball into the corner pocket there but before the eight ball goes into the corner pocket it will kiss off the three there causing the nine ball to drop into this
Side pocket here before the nine ball drops into that pocket it’ll hit there K off the cushion there come bouncing into these bunch of balls here which will cause a chain reaction making all of the balls go into the corner Pockets with the exception of the number four ball
Which is end up there on my upper left and I go ahead and show hey wait a minute you can’t use this table me and my friend we’re playing here what are you talking about we can’t use the table we are using it get out of
Here go ahead and show but gee fellas we we were all ready to play we just went inside for us to get a cold drink well I hope it was very cold and I hope it was strong milk now get out of here go ahead how didn’t expect me to go ahead and
Shoot with all this argu let’s get another table we are not getting another table we started here we’re going to finish here now you get out of here go ahead you better not my friend isn’t going to like this I don’t care what your friend likes now
You’re not getting this table under any condition go ahead and shoot all right for you but if you do not let us have this table I am going in and tell my friend Harvey har oh Harvey you’re going to tell your friend Harvey Harvey he’s going to tell Harvey
That’s a nice name I like not a nice name Har that’s a nice name Harvey I don’t care if yet tell Harvey go ahead and tell him he’s got me Mighty scared I’m shaking a death you better be careful my friend is even bigger than
Me your friend Javi is bigger than you I have a friend shirely that’s bigger than you sh stop picking on the little guy I’m not picking on it he started it we’re playing here we’re going to continue to play here now look go in there with your
Friend Javi and if he wants to start anything or you want to start anything just come back out here again and I’ll twist you into bookends now get out of here go ahead the’re Maniacs all over the Jord I got to admit one thing when you are right well nobody pushes you
Around you know why because you got spunk spunk has nothing to do with it N I was in the right and when I’m in the right nobody pushes me around I bet that jav is burning up in there now I hope Javi is burning up I’ll
Tell you that I hope he’s so burned out that he comes out here and tries to start something I’ll bend him into a pretzel I’m in the right I’m in the right nobody pushes me around now there we go very lucky very lucky this is my friend Harvey I told
You you’re not going to get the table now go away come on N will you and you beat it too Harvey hey Ralph he’s even bigger than your friend Shirley I got an idea those bookends are going to be a little lopsided what are you talking about bookends he
Said he was going to twist me and you into bookends oh he J so you’re going to twist me and him into bookends that’s right that’s right he’s going to twist you and him into book ends you got nothing to worry about Rob you’re in the right nobody can push you
Around why don’t you TR that’s not all he said he made fun of your name he said Harvey was a funny name oh he did ehh Harvey’s a lovely name so Harvey’s a funny name you’re a real Wise Guy huh I don’t like Wise Guys you know what I
Might do to you I might punch you right in the mouth all right now wait wait wait wait just a minute you can’t talk to us that way you keep out of this what are you yelling at me for I wasn’t the one that said I tush into a pretzel he did shut
Up oh so you’re going to twist me into a pretzel I don’t even like pretzels you hear that George he’s going to twist me into a pretzel all right wise guy I’ll give you a chance come on step outside all R I’ll hold your cat why don’t you shut
Up come on Wise Guy step outside and twist me into a pretzel I can’t go outside I have my new suit on all right I’ll let you get away with it this time cuz you’re just scared yeah he’s just scared yeah rack them up we’re going to use this table
George now let’s go on I uh just want to tell you one thing that my uh friend ain’t a scared are you what he said about wearing a new suit is true he got a brand new suit on he’ll fight you anytime he’ll be there shut
Up so you want to fight me some other time huh all right Wise Guy meet me at 8 CL at Kelsey’s gym Friday night we will be there just make sure that you show up don’t worry I’ll be there and if you don’t show up I’ll come
Get you where do you live 328 chy Street all right don’t forget Friday night Kelsey’s gym come on George I want to go home and punch the bag a little okay H and just remember remember if you don’t show up I’ll come get You aox on you and all your ancestors what is the matter with you R I always thought you were a levelheaded clear thinking man what did you go have to pick a fight with that big guy for get out huh get out get out Bo on you and your [Applause] Ancestors who is it it’s me let me in there oh I enough you stay there offy boy how do you do folks this is smiling Ed Norton talking to you direct from the training quarters of the Benson Hurst bomber do you like to say a few words to your fans out there
B boy I’m telling you all to hear the guys talking around the pool room they’re all excited about this fight and they’re betting on it and everything oh I’m telling you it’s going to be a beautiful fight and I got some news for you it’ll make you feel pretty proud
Some word came in direct from the candy store a little while ago some late money came in backing you and knocked the odds down to 500 to one you mean they’re betting 500 to one that I lose lose nothing they’re betting 500 to one that you don’t even show
Up well you better grab a piece of that bet cuz they’re so right you think I’m going up to that Kelsey’s gym you’re crazy what do you mean you’re not going just what I said I’m not going go all the boys are talking about that they’re betting on and everything like I said
This is the big thing do you realize that they’re closing the pool hall tonight just so that all the boys can go over there and watch the fight this is a big thing in your life Ralph you’re going to let some of your friends down Shifty red nuty I don’t care about them
Nut’s going to the fight BR nutzi a guy who hasn’t missed the night in the pool room in all his life nutzi he’s the guy that went right over to the pool room after his wedding that the same night this is a big night do you realize
They closing the pool hall in your honor tonight let’s face it n if I fight that hobby tonight tomorrow night they’ll be closing the pool hall in my memory you got to go R because if you don’t go they’ll all think you’re scared wait a minute how is it that everybody
In the neighborhood knows that I’m going to fight this guy who started that rumor oh I don’t know some blabber mouth shot off his mouth out try and find out who it is you don’t have to find out cuz I know who the blab them out was pal
You’re to blab them out you’re go to blab him out that started this whole thing in the first place well just blabber around that there ain’t going to be a fight listen Ralph you don’t go to guys I think you’re scared remember this guy’s a bully you know this Harvey He’s
A Bully he said if you don’t show he’ll come and find you he’s a bully you won’t even be able to walk the streets in the neighborhood he says he’s going to find you and he’s going to find you he won’t miss you cuz let’s face it R you’re not
The type that melts in the crowd I don’t care what type I am all I know is I’m not fighting that guy and another thing Mr Norton everybody knows about this fight except one person and that one person is Alice and I don’t want her to know about it remember that
I don’t want her to ever know about this fight I think she’ll get a strong hint about it when you come home one night with a lump on your head I’m not coming home with any lump on my head because I’m getting out of town for a few days
Right now what are you going to tell her when you go out of town what I don’t know I’ll think of something yeah I’ll bet you will [Applause] what is that all about hey oh nothing nothing nothing at all nothing no nothing you can pump me all night you’re
Not going to get a thing out of me cuz I know how to keep a secret what secret oh oh don’t get cute now don’t get cute now it’s I can see buddy expression on your face you’re going to pull some of those trick questions well you’re not going to
Thr a thing out of me cuz I know how to keep a secret compared to a clam I am an sturer and what are you talking about what am I talking about wouldn’t you like to know that’s for me to know and you find out out I’m not going to tell a
Thing because my lips are sealed some guys in the neighborhood will a blob a mouth but not me remember during a war that expression a slip of a lip will sink a ship I never sank one if I was connected with a Brin robbery they wouldn’t know today that
The money was even missing yet cuz I know how to keep a secret and Ral and I got a secret and we don’t want you to find out about it my lips are sealed and you will never know o secret Ralph what secret has he been keeping from me well
You won’t find out because cuz I’m not going to tell you see my lips are seal I can’t even talk see I’m not telling you no s oh uh hi Alice I didn’t know you was home Ralph what’s all this about a secret you’ve been keeping from me
Secret don’t worry about a thing oh she tried to get it out of me but I was too clever for her you know me better than that Alice you know we never have any secrets with each other well so long I’m going to be gone for a couple weeks R yeah
What do you mean you’re going to be gone for a couple of weeks and where do you think you’re going with that suitcase didn’t I tell you I was going away a way where very out of town out of town where Ralph now look don’t treat me like a
Baby Alice if I want to go out of town I’ll go out of town you don’t have to worry about me I can take care of myself you know how to take care of yourself you would have to leave town all right Ralph are you going to
Tell me no I am not going to tell you no I am not and just for that I ain’t even going hey you satisfied now you ruined a wonderful trip I was going on boy oh boy all I know is if they ever Institute a nut of the month club I’ve
Got a very good idea who’s going to be January and February well if you know don’t tell because a slip of a ship can sink a lip oh why don’t you shut up listen Ralph you just stay right here I’ll fix your supper for you in a minute but I got to
Go up to Trixie first well looks like you’re going to have to stick around Ral so yeah you’re a big help n why don’t you let me uh give you a few perers unboxing I don’t need any perers because I’m not fighting what do you mean you’re not
Fighting this guy this guy’s a bully you know he said he’d come after you if he didn’t find you he’s coming right up here you know this isn’t a game of tag with him it’s not kid stuff what are you going to do when he comes
Up here well if he comes up here I’ll I’ll fight him but I ain’t going over there to fight him all right you’ll have to fight him here then so get up and let me show you a few pointers on boxing I don’t want any pointers will you get up there and show
Me your stance get up there you got to know how to defend yourself I know how to defend myself all right now first show me your boxing stance I got an idea you got a secret weapon there Rob Harvey may die laughing when he looks at you that’s all no no don’t
Don’t don’t get discourage now just stand up there so much for the offense now little defense practice limber up your body skip around like this shoot a few left out reach know that’s it that’s it face me look see that’s it right head right see that’s it all right cover up your face
Rob cover up your face cover up your face Wow what is the matter with you what are you tell me to cover up my face and hit me in the stomach for well let teach you never to trust anybody in the ring that’s I’m all right B all right I’ll admit I’ll agree you’re not in shape to do a
Fight with this guy all right we just got to think of something I’m in shap out of this gracefully get out of it gracefully yes just get out of the fight I know all about getting out of it gracefully but how do you you get out of it gracefully
Well let me think now let me think now if Harvey thought that you could beat him up there would be no doubts about it he’d back out of in a minute right well how could I knock out anybody that’s bigger than har just a minute now
Just a minute the the the wheels are turning I know what your wheels are turning you think you’re going to get somebody bigger than Javy for me to knock out is that right just a minute yes that is a general idea but here’s what we do we get this guy that is
Bigger than Harvey and get him over there at the gym tonight see and then you knock him out right in front of Harvey now you know that Harvey’s going to be a scared and you’re back out of the fight a minute now I got a friend that might
Work he workes the S he’s a giant a big guy much bigger than Harvey I’ll get him over there tonight and you will knock him out right in front of Harvey and Harvey will back out quick go not bad go along with the idea well look maybe Kelsey’s gy will be
Crowded tonight how am I going to know your friend oh that’s right we’ll have to have some uh password uh let me think uh oh yeah uh I’ll tell him to say when he sees you hey get a load of fatso there see does he have to say get a load of fatso
There well he could say hey get a load of skinny but then Harvey would uh suspect that it was a fix all right get a load of fat okay I’ll go get him at his place now are you sure that this guy will do it for you
Well of course he’ll do it for me he’s my friend he works with me in the sewer we stick together down there we got a motel water is sticking in blood I don’t forget the saying hello there fat I know I know get a of f yes yes
Yes get a little of f over There Well I see you showed up wise guy oh hello hobby come on let’s go inside and get started oh uh I can’t go yet I’m uh waiting for a friend you ain’t backing out are you a wise guy oh no I’m perish the thought I’m not backing out I’m just
Waiting for a friend to ask to show up okay come on let’s get inside I’ll be ready for you in a minute don’t hey what are you doing out of my way buddy hey get a load of fats out there oh come on let’s get moving just a
Moment what did you say I said get a load of fats on there want to make something out of it I certainly do and let that be a lesson to you well har uh are you ready do you care to step in the other room no I hey that’s it’s quite a punch
You got there oh it’s really nothing I hit him with my bad hand that’s why I don’t like to fight too much I usually hurt someone real bad sometimes I even hurt myself well what do you say shall we uh step inside hey look I I don’t want no
Trouble with you that was just one of my jokes you can take a joke Ralph all right yellow belly I’ll let you off the hook this time but watch out in the future now beat it anything you say pal I I’ll see you around boy oh boy it work like a charm
You were just great come on pal hey did you see har running out of there where he go I see him where did he go when your friend walked in he says get out of the way P I gave him a belt down he goes
Like he was killed OB he sees this and ran right out you were beautiful come on pal get up your friend’s just great hey yeah that ain’t my friend he couldn’t make it tonight A we that ain’t your friend no my friend’s sick in bed with a cold but this guy
Walked in he did everything like your friend was supposed to do why would he say hey Fatso get out of the way I don’t know maybe the phrase just fits wait a second if that isn’t your friend then I knocked him out with one punch I guess you did
R run downstairs and have harby come back up I’m ready for har hey har come [Applause] On [Applause] come in oh hello Judy hi Mrs cramden something wrong Judy wrong oh nothing could ever be wrong again I’ve just met the coolest dream boat ever oh you’re in love again not again Mrs cron this is it I finally found my superatomic passion I’m going to be his
Angel cake forever and ever I’ll be Wallace’s for all eternity Wallace what happened to Freddy oh Mrs cren Freddy was so icky a real termite strictly out of the wood besides he was a mere child you know Wallace is is a real man well uh just how old is this Wallace he’s almost
18 he’s he’s a real man of the world and I’ve got a date with him tonight that’s why I came up here to talk to you you see I hope you don’t think I’ve been too nervy but I’ve asked him to meet me up here at your apartment so as soon as he
Gets here would you call me you don’t mind do you no of course I don’t mind but why I haven’t meet you here well he’s never met my father and I don’t want to take any Chances well where are you and Wallace going to go tonight Judy we’re going over to the amusement park and we’re going to go roller skating see they’re having a bob a bob contest uhuh and we’re going to go on some of the rides like the roller coaster The Tunnel of
Love oh boy you kids certainly have fun roller skating Bop contest oh dear Ralph and I haven’t done anything like that in years well I got to be going Mrs Kon now listen as soon as Wallace gets here you’ll call me won’t you yes I will and don’t you worry
Oh you’re a doll Mrs CR bye byebye hi Ralph look can I eat right away I want to take a bath and go to bed I’m dead all right you know Ralph I’ve been thinking we’ve been getting into awful awful rut lately do the same things day in and day out never any
Variation yeah it’s a shame Ralph cuz there are a lot of wonderful things that we could do you know it’ be fun Ralph you know what we could do there be an awful lot of fun we could go roller skating you got any ketchup it’s in the ice box
And you haven’t been listening to One Word I’ve been saying well I’ve been listening to you all right I’ll take you roll a skate tomorrow night oh Ralph that’s wonderful and you know where we can go they’ve got a wonderful rink over in the amusement park roller
Skating and you know there are a lot of other wonderful things we can do too Ralph we go on the roller coaster rides and then having a bop dance contest and then you know we can go take a ride through the tunnel of love and the crazy house the crazy
House you don’t have to go to any amusement park for a crazy house we got one right here Bob contest roller skating well what’s wrong with Bob contest and roller skating there’s nothing wrong with that nothing for kids but not for you and me let’s face it
Alice we have been out of the age range of roller skating since Al land and stop being presidential Timber will you stop being so ridiculous Ral why shouldn’t we go roller skating we’re not that old we’re not that old we’re not that old well how young are we
How young are we let’s face it our youth has passed the golden years are gone we have hit the second Plateau listen Ralph you may think that you’re too old but I’m not I want to do the things that young people do that’s what keeps you young you want to do the
Things young people do let’s play some games that young people play Let’s Play House you be the mommy and I’ll be the papy all right mommy cleaned up how can you be so icky ick you’re a termite Ralph strictly out of the wood hey uh what does hicky mean I don’t know
Why Alice just said I was hickey must mean fat what brought up the subject anyway you wouldn’t believe this n what do you think she said to me she wants to go to a Bop contest then she wants to go roller skating and finally she wants to
Go through the tunnel of love she says that’s romantic oh a Tunnel of Love I’ve been through the tunnel of love that’s not romantic it’s nothing waiting through that wall and all it’s not r at all how did Trixie like Trixie wasn’t with me I was down there working fixing
A leak in one of the pipes that isn’t exactly what Alice meant she wants to go through the tunnel of love with me what do you want Alice know about fixing leaks stop with the leaks that’s not what I’m talking come in I’m very busy eating we don’t want to
To buy any magazines or anything man what’s this bit about the magazines I’m Wallace I can’t buy to pick up angel cake Angel C you got the wrong joint this isn’t any bakery that angel cake ain’t a cake she’s a a chick now tell her to get with
It man I got a frantic hot rod downstairs and it’s ready to percolate granny cut rod that’s ready to percolate yeah man aren’t you Happ don’t you dig no no no no no he drives a bus I’m the one who digs I work in the sew hey Alex you know anything about
This oh you must be Wallace that’s right is Judy ready I’ll call her for you oh she’s looking for Judy coming that’s right Judy Wallace is here I’ll be right up Mrs cron right why doesn’t he meet Judy conis in her house she was down here this afternoon Ralph and she asked
If it was all right I’ll explain it to you later oh that’s too much uh Judy was telling us that you’ve got quite an evening plan she says you’re going to go to the amusement park and go roller skating and to a bot dance contest that’s right tonight’s a big
Night tonight I’m asking angel cake to wear my pin wear his pen yes Ralph when a girl wears a F’s pen it means she’s going steady she’s his and no else is oh yeah yeah I get it it’s like a custom we got you car your best girlfriend’s
Initials on a shovel down there to scho Ay passion angel cake you know what Ral hard to believe those kids remind me of of me when I was a youth I mean I mean I acted silly like those kids but I guess as time goes on I Grew Older and I
Matured yeah now you’re a full grown nut and there’s a lot of full grown nuts around this house now I get the whole thing out I finally got the picture what are you talking about you know what I’m talking about Judy conis was up here today wasn’t she she’s the one that was
Talking about Bop contest and roll skating that’s what put the bug in your ear well what if she did what if she did she’s a 14 year old kid Alice do you think you’re 14 years old there’s a laugh she thinks she’s 14 look at me I’m 1 go ahead come on get dressed we got to go to the junior prom right away you can stop laughing Ralph if you wanted to make me feel ridiculous you’ve done that Ralph I admitted I made a mistake I was trying to be some something I’m not at the same time Ralph
I didn’t think it was so ridiculous trying to recapture the fun that we used to have I didn’t think that I was that old Ralph but you’ve shown me that I was wrong I just thought that going to amusement parks and dancing and roller skating was the kind of thing that would
Keep you young it might have at least it was worth a try but you don’t have to worry Ralph I promise you you will never have to laugh at me again I will stop being ridiculous and I will never ever mention it again [Applause] she’s right n she’s right there’s nothing wrong with
Somebody wanting to stay young it’s my fault well I’m telling you right now Norton I’m changing what are you going to do I’m going to start taking out dancers and roll Escape I’m going to learn all the new dancers the Big Apple Suzie cu the Continental hesitation
Walls all of that and I’m going to learn all the Expressions too like Bodo oo 23 sco and I’ll kiss youat later I’m eating a potato all of that stuff what’s so funny vodo do 23 screw I’ll kiss you later I’m EA a potato what’s wrong with those
Expressions boy but how can anyone so round be so [Applause] [Applause] Square R oh Ral I’m here with a photograph let’s go boy out in a minute come on [Applause] well how about it well how about it what do you think wait wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute just just give me a little time
To drink this whole thing and like seeing bould the dam for the first time never mind that what do you think well uh Ral I guess it’s all right you ain’t exactly no ding dong Daddy from duus well never mind that now did you get all
The stuff to teach me to dance yeah yeah I got the tonight is going to be a big night for Alice and me and I want to dance correctly when I start wait a minute I I can’t wait to get going I got a photograph here and I got some records
Yeah well I put this first one on here this one has the uh the huckle buck oh the huckle buck this was always is good for me there we go now we Are dance this one of those numbers that tells a Story Baby do the H the [Applause] don’t wait a second you don’t expect me to do that do you of course I do it I can’t do that stuffff listen to the record listen to the music just do with the lurus says on there in the record there that’s all you
Got to do get in that groov and be gay you ready all right go ahead here we [Applause] go [Applause] Dan what are just stopping for it’s just rolling man you’re supposed to watch like a duck how can I waddle like a duck well you it’s easy just walk like you always do come on let’s get R of it again here both of us that’s Itce [Applause] the I got it Now the hug but what are you doing just brushing up on a little dance and that’s all you wanted me to be a dancing so I’m just brushing up well what is this crazy costume you’re wearing this isn’t a costume this is what all of us cats
Wear I got it I got it I’m hip ready to go I’m gone come you’re gone all right Ralph is all of this because of what we talked about last night yes it is and I’m taking you out tonight I’m taking you dancing and roll escap oh Ralph
That’s wonderful now hurry up and get dressed oh wait a minute before you get dressed here what put this on my pen put it on let’s go do it do it I can’t See let’s sit here and wait for the boys to come out okay 12 in fancy oh Ed this has been a wonderful evening first dancing and now this hey we ought to do this more often but you where’s Ralph oh he’s coming hey Ralph good bye hurry up in there
Boy I’m telling you that husband of yours is a real youngster Alice where you see him on the skates I bet is’s a real whiz offy that well come on let’s go can’t we skate around here oh come on R really we want to go in and skate in the ring come
On go there plenty of room I tell is a real whiz a boy look haven’t we had enough of this skating can’t we go home now no no you got to prove to Alice that you’re young recapture your youth capture my youth I keep this up I lose my old
Age come on let’s get a little action here skate around and rank a little while you get used D look are we going to skat or aren’t we we’re going to skate be patient hey you know what one of my my wheels a little stiff I think
I’ll get a little early on it I’ll be right back say TR while we’re waiting for Ed how would you like some coffee oh all right might as well Ralph trick and I want some coffee you want to go over and get us some so all the way over there well all right
We have a couple cups of coffee please yes [Applause] sir [Applause] steady [Applause] now well here you [Applause] are what happened spilled a little coffee don’t make a big deal out of it steal my best SK all right let’s go let’s go [Applause] [Applause] ready right
Keep what’s the matter I think we got a little more hole to i f to cooperate when we lift just try to push yourself up cooperate come on all right are you [Applause] ready stay here and take [Applause] Us help me off with my [Laughter] Coat easy will you I hurt my B b zo you had to go roll es skating didn’t you had to go roll es skap I want to go roll es skap that’s what it is roll [Laughter] I could have broke my leg don’t R me you were the one that said you know that you wanted to go
Roller skating you were going to take me I was the one that said I suppose I come home from work and said let’s go roller skating huh you were the one that said it with the tunn of love in a crazy house roll es skting Poop contest you know how embarrassing it is
To fall down in the middle of a skating rink and can’t get up everybody looking at me shut [Applause] up you didn’t look any too good either to picking me up embarrassing what are you laughing at [Applause] [Applause] boy I went down didn’t [Applause] I what a
Vibration time you gave a tug on me and left your arms there boy I’m tell you you know something I learned something tonight believe me I did I had a lot of fun you know doing all those silly things that we did reminded me of when we really were kids Alice remember that
We used to go dancing and roller skating everything Loop the loops remember when it was all over at night we used to go to the Chinese restaurant and have some Chinese food got a whole dinner for 60 cents I used to order the chop sewer you’d get the fried rice then we’d split
It ha I kept asking a guy for bread he says we have no bread here it’s a Chinese restaurant he said how am I going to push it on the for I used to con him he used to bring the bread Bo those with a day I’m telling
You you remember the dances we used to go to at the sons of Italy Hall yeah yeah yeah they had some good bands in that joint too I some Jones Ted fiorita little Jack little not to forget Basel forine basal forine Johnny M on his toy piano you know something talking like
This it teaches you one thing acting young isn’t what keeps you young but if you got some memories some good memories of when you were young that’s what keeps you young thinking about it in your old age when you were a kid all the things that you
Did that’s the whole secret of it you know it’s a shame I read some place one time and a guy was right about it too I think it was uh Bernard Shaw he says it’s a shame that youth has to be wasted on young people it’s right
Phil you know something Ralph why I learned something tonight too yeah why well I learned that I don’t even mind Growing Old As Long as You and I grow all together baby you’re the [Applause] Greatest hi hun hi Ralph what are you doing well you know how for the past year you’ve been promising me you’d clean out the bedroom closet yeah well I’m keeping your Promise sorry if I knew there was such a rush about it i’ would taken care of it right away what are you going to do with all this stuff I’m going to take it down to seller her you don’t have to do that sweetie I’ll take it down all right
Ralph I’ll finish up in here all right hey there Rie boy I thought you were going to meet me this afternoon and have lunch with me oh I couldn’t make it Ral I’m sorry I I had to be down there at City Hall I had to fill out an
Application so I could uh take one of those Civil Service examinations for a new job a new job but you got a job in a sewer I know I know I know you’re like a lot of people they all say me you got a very good job in a sewer you know they
Think just because my job is unusual you know that it’s glamorous and exciting well it ain’t true you ask any sewer worker All That Glitters Is Not Gold what kind of a job are you trying out for SE inspector well good luck good luck I I
Think I’m going to need it listen when I was down there I noticed a lot of civil service jobs open then there was one in particular that would fit you to a te just right in your alley senior Clerk and Transit Authority Transit Authority certainly look I I I I bought an
Application here see so you can fill it out good pay Easy hours steady advance but in no time you could be boss of the whole company nah they probably want a business man you know a guy that can run an organization here well you could try it couldn’t you what’s the sense of
Trying wouldn’t make it he open that door I got to take this stuff down the cell wait a minute Ralph these go out too wait a minute what are you doing you’re not throwing out my cornet are you well why not rap you never play it anymore it’s just Gathering dust what’s
That got to do with it there’s a lot of tender memories attached to that cornette my father gave it to me I grew up with it it’s part of my youth oh Ralph you ask as if I was throwing out your pool queue I don’t care Alice I want to keep
It will you be sensible Ralph you don’t play it anymore that’s got nothing to do with it I want to keep it all right Ral you haven’t touched it in years I want to keep it look he’s right Alice he hasn’t touched his toes in years either he still wants to keep
Them you do me a favor and stay out of this give us a little tun whack out a little rock and roll in there well I don’t know how the old lip is but I’ll take a crack at it stand back Ed this is liable to be
Messy you’re liable to be messy in about 5 not so loud Ralph you’ll disturb the neighbors uh maybe this one of those uh high frequency cornets that only dogs can hear what is a sock doing in my cornet must be one of the tender memories that’s attached to
It all right now keep quiet everybody and I’ll play a little tune rip it out in there I don’t know if I still remember that song I used to play get the music right Here I could never hit that high note you know something I liked it better with a sock in it I’d like you a little better with a sock in it hey hand it over give me a TR you played a cornet no I know I never tried
But let’s have it are you crazy Gabe would you mind getting the clothes down to The Cellar I’d like to set the table do me a favor will you Norton will you take that stuff down to The Cellar I’m going to fool around with this you going
To play that song again yeah I’ll be very happy to take this wise guy he certainly is you know something I made a big mistake by not taking lessons on this thing right straight through might have been a big musician today my own Orchestra maybe another Harry James that’s the story of my
Life I could always make great starts but I never finished never finished anything could never hit the high note on anything I tried you know one time my uncle wanted to make me an architect you know I was very good at uh designing things and Building Things gave me some free instruction
Then the CH didn’t come out I quit architect you to take a couple of dancing lessons never stuck with anything never hit the high note I might have been a guy that built the Empire State Building if IID stuck at that come in excuse me my name is Gunther this is
Mrs Gunther we’re uh we’re sorry to intrude but I wonder if we could ask a favor of you what is it well maybe you’ll think this is is silly but uh you see we used to live in this apartment you used to live here yes many years ago
And this was our first home after we were married how about that Alice they used to live here how nice well what can we do for you I’m afraid you think us terribly sentimental but this is our 40th wedding anniversary and we wondered if we could take a look about the place your
Anniversary huh how about that you lived here 40 years ago oh August the place hasn’t changed a bit August August Gunter you’re not the August gun that makes the donuts are you I am are you that guy they’re my favorite Donuts I atat them all the time
I’m glad you like my product Mr cranman well dear have you seen enough I suppose this place must have have a lot of memories for you oh yes we were very happy here would you like to see the other room may I of course is the view
From the back still blocked by that laundry oh no they tore that laundry down now you can see the kitchen at the Chinese restaurant I envy you Mr cron you’re young life an opportunity lie before you oh things may look a little bit difficult now but when you’ve moved on
To hire things you look back and you realize that you enjoyed every moment of the struggle say tell me something how did you become a success would you tell me Well gladly one day while it was In This Very Room as a matter of fact I decided that
I was going to be a success and I said nothing is going to stand in my way right here in this room huh yeah well I knew that to be a success a man had to have certain qualities so I took stock of myself I made a list of uh my
Weaknesses and uh my strong points and then I concentrated on eliminating the weaknesses and building up the strong points making them stronger and from that moment Mr cramden I have never let an opportunity get away from me you did that right in this room huh took stock
Of yourself made a list of all your faults you never made a mistake again well I did make one mistake I loan my brother-in-law money to go into business what kind of business was he in the donut business oh oh oh thank you very much my dear and thank you too Mr you’re
Very welcome Mrs G you’ve been very kind thank you well so we go down there yes well nice to have seen you happy anniversary yes happy anniversary to you both you’ve been very kind to us perfectly all right good day to you bye-bye all right gee aren’t they a sweet couple
Ralph is this a private parade or can anybody March in it Alice I am going to be a success you are I know I said it before but this time I really mean it now I know why I haven’t been a success up till now now I know that Mr
Gunter opened my eyes it’s my fault that I haven’t been a success my fault but things are going to be different from here on in things are going to be much different I’m going to take stock of myself I’m going to list my mistakes and my strong points oh Ralph what’s
Happened to you I’ve never seen you like this before hey yeah the change has taken place already even you’re amazed I’m going after the success I’m not going to wait till it hits me I’m going out and grab it this application that Norton brought in a job a job a senior
Clerk that’s me I’m going to take that job I’m going to pass this test and I’m going up I’m going to work hard and I’m going up up up up I’m going to hit that high note Alice don’t worry I’ll hit it I’ll hit [Applause] It where you going with that I’m just going to put it in the drawer R where it’ll be out of the way put it right back where you found it I want it around is a constant reminder that I got to hit the high note all right Ralph anything
You say if this cornet will make you do what you say you’re going to do I’ll wear it around my neck don’t worry sweetheart this time I’m not going to fail now look I got to line down a center of paper on this side I’m going to list all my weak points and
On the right side I’ll list all my strong points now for instance what are one of my weak points well you were late for work twice last week very good over sleeping now what other weak point have I got besides sleeping too much you snore snoring hey uh
Alice you going to play Mar young or aren’t you the Trixie and the girls are waiting there up there for you oh yeah I’m going right up bed I’m sorry Ralph about the snoring I was only joking oh that’s okay sweetie why you doing an air off your
Boy I’m making a list of all my weak points ah got all the paper you’re going to use ordinarily the old Ralph cron would have got steamed at that right remark and probably put you out but this is the new Ralph cranon and temper has no place in his
Nature now if you want to be quiet you can sit down just leave me alone I’m hard at work you won’t even know I’m [Laughter] here stop that this is important to me okay okay I’m sorry uh while you’re doing that you want me to uh polish up the old cornut
Do anything you want just as long as you’ll be quiet all right why do you uh keep the Cornet polish I haven’t got any cornet polish use something else to polish it all right as my granddaddy used to say there’s always hope when you got water and soap Happy New Year what Happ you just ought to blow like a bell now [Laughter] Huh come [Applause] on I’m trying to rearrange my lap and you’re blowing a bugle all right I apologize I’m sorry I know what you’re going through why don’t you let me list down your bad punch why should I let you listen him because I could be more honest it’s more impersonal a person
Don’t look at himself like others see him you remember Dickens maybe you’re right about that all right let’s try it here you list my bad points and I’ll work on my good points all right you list the good points I’ll list the bad points all right [Applause]
Oh you’re going to get it not you’re going to get It all right all right all right bad points one rotten pool player Two Rotten bowler three rotten cornet player four can’t speak French five doesn’t pay his debts what do you mean I don’t pay my debts just what I said you owe me $2 for the last
Month all right nton that’s your $2 now scratch out doesn’t pay his debts I knew it it Work all right that’s about all of that let me see what you you’re not supposed to put anything stupid down like I don’t speak French this is important to me I know it’s important I know let me see what you wrote down I haven’t put anything down yet you haven’t huh got so
Many good points I don’t know where to start yeah I’ll put down your good points Rob Cron’s good points go ahead and finish I’m finished you’re finished how can you finish when you were writing down my mistakes it took you a half hour now it takes you 5 Seconds
Ral cramon the sweetest guy in the world that’s a that’s a very nice compliment N I appreciate that well now maybe you realize that I’m all for you I’m sorry if I was a little loud with you you see this is pretty important to me this time nor and I I
Don’t want to fail I want to make a success of myself I want I hit that high note I know that I want you I want you to take the test for senior Clerk and TR of authority I want you to pass it cuz I’m going to be proud of you I’m going
To be proud of you too n because you’re going to pass that test when people ask me what my best friend does for a living I’ll be proud to say that he’s a sewer inspector boy I’m telling you hey would it be something there but both of us got
These jobs You’ be the the the senior Clerk and Transit Authority I’d be the SE inspector boy I’m telling you we’d have the city running like clockwork you up above above there running things making things move along and Me Down Below there making things move [Applause] Along hi Alice oh hi Alice I got these eggs that you wanted but I wasn’t able to get the Civil Service newspaper doesn’t come out till 6:00 oh dear well we’ve waited a week I guess we can wait another 20 minutes yeah but I’m dying to find out if Ralph
And Ed pass the test for the new jobs I know I just chewed up my last fingernail well Ralph will be sure to bring one home yeah Alice how come you wanted just those egg you and Ralph going out to dinner tonight no Ralph’s going to shop
For dinner on his way home from work Ralph shopping for dinner how come well he’s correcting fault number uh 18 treats wife like Workhorse oh you know he even washed the dishes last night honestly Trixie the new Ralph Cron’s got a surprise for me every minute would you believe it Trixie this
Morning he insisted on making the beds before he went to work gee that’s wonderful what’s wonderful he got me up at 5:30 so he could make them see hi hun oh hi you Ralph hi Trix did you get a civil service newspaper no it hasn’t come out yet I’ll get it right
After dinner what are you worried about I passed the test hey you look pretty sharp tonight Trixie oh I was at the beauty parlor this afternoon yeah I can tell he did a good diet job on your head looks real natural yeah I’ll see you later Alice all right
Trix what’s the matter with her nothing Ralph she’s just not used to your compliments you you know I’ve been finding that out all day that’s my new technique you know I compliment everybody I meet that’s to enhance the value of my good point you know the
Sweetest guy in the world oh by the way I corrected another fa today you did which one number 22 uh let’s see argues too much for instance I was down at Depot and Joe cassid is talking to a bunch of the guys so he says the population of New York
City is 9 million people well I know at 7 million people but did I argue with him no instead I just looked them right in the face and I said oh yeah and I walked away from should see how foolish he looks standing there Ralph there are
9 million people in New York are you crazy is something that oh yeah what’s that for for being so sweet and for trying so hard I’m proud of you Ralph thank you sweetheart glad you’re proud of me because I’m going to be a success honey
I’m going to make it this time I know y I certainly hope you passed that test Ralph and I hope Norton passed his too well I I’m not worried about me passionate but I’m not too sure or not not if he’s going to answer all the questions like he told me he answered
One of the questions they gave him well what do you mean well it was one of those questions where you have a choice of what you want to answer you know it said if uh if you were heating your own home and oil was 12 cents a gallon and
It went up 7% and coal at the same time was $14 a ton and that went up 9% well what would you do what do you think Norton says pack up and move to Florida I’m going in and wash up I’ll be out all right Ralph I got the table
Ready oh hi Ed uh oh you got the paper yeah read it weep Ed you didn’t pass the test for sewer inspector no I washed out oh I am sorry Ed but what about Ralph what about Ralph uh that’s a silly question think I look this sad just for myself alone you
Think oh Ed this is terrible hion what’s the matter with you two what do you got behind your back I didn’t pass the test huh failed again well I well I guess you and me is just a couple of hang nails on the fickle finger of fate Ral don’t say
Anything don’t say anything Alice I know how you feel you know how I feel boy what a mo I am I’m going to make good and I list all my weak points and I’m going to list all my strong points I’m going to be a success not going to be a failure
Anymore all right that’s a laugh no it’s not a laugh the new Ralph bramden is a wonderful man and what he’s done in the past few weeks Ralph isn’t foolish and it isn’t a lot of milck and I’m not going to let you tear him down just cuz
You had one disappointment don’t you see Ralph you can’t win the very first time you got to keep trying and trying so you didn’t pass the test the first time there’s always next year and the year after I like the new Ralph cramden and
I’m not going to let you give up and if the old Ralph grden ever shows his face around here again I am going to hit him right on top of the head with this cornet you know something I did hit that high note once the day I married you Well that’s a little piece of it [Applause] Alice
source
