You probably thought this deer was alive and this coyote was alive and this pheasant was alive nope they’re not they’re dead they’ve been taxidermized by Chuck Testa ohigh Valley Taxidermy I specialize in the most lifik dead animals anywhere period look at that antelope driving AC car no it’s just Chuck Testa oh no
There’s a bear on my bed nope Chuck tester hold on a second there’s a leopard feeding on an Impala out on my deck no it’s just Chuck Testa with another realistic Mount shipped to me from anywhere call Chuck Testa for the most lifelike dead animals around period did that Rino just order a
Drink no Chuck Testa does not tax atorise pet dad isn’t there an easier way to get her grass screen no son but the Wilkin have beehive for their Sprinklers and the Wilkins probably waste a lot of water to get their grass that green honey but beehive knows how much water
Your law needs to stay green without being wasteful oh does it know how to pay the yard you’re not my real dad the smartest way to keep your grass green without wasting water The Beehive smart sprinkler timer dirty mouth huh what have you been up to I don’t know what you’re talking
About fabulous all bit for a good clean feeling no matter what one minute one minute please time thank you could you all please put down your pens and bring your papers to the front of the room thank you well done thank you thank you thank you oh I’m sorry you’re too
Late gave you plenty of warnings about time you failed sorry excuse me do you know who I am I have absolutely no idea good it’s things you can say to your dog but not your girlfriend what did you just do what did you just
Do am I going to have to rub your nose in that [Applause] Come J This Hi where your local high-speed internet and C provider are you looking for a fast reliable internet connection a large selection of your favorite HDTV Channels with 24/7 access to the best customer support technicians all at a fair price [ __ ] you you’ll take what we give you you’ll have the option of
Choosing from several of our completely unwarranted ripoffs including internet speeds up to 200 times slower than Korea at twice the price TV packages with over 500 channels 90% of which you can’t view and we guarantee a plethora of hidden fees then our barely trained technicians will come to install your services
Somewhere between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 10: p.m. knock once while you’re in the shower and promptly leave and once we do finally get your service up and running it’ll be down and limping within 3 hours indefinitely why you ask simple we are part of what is called an
Oligopoly it’s like a monopoly only legal seek in closed door meetings with four or five of the other major providers we’ve secretly agreed not to have differing prices allowing us to completely eliminate any competition and collectively raise our prices to Optimum [ __ ] bag levels because we here at your
Local high-speed internet and cable provider don’t believe in customer satisfaction we believe in money pools of money looking for a better deal you can all AG Goble down our balls you’re paying for it if you’re local highspeed internet and cable provider you won’t like it and there’s no other Option Foree spee Spee fore spee Premium America Small hey what can I get you I’ll get it myself okay thanks for the drink Bud and I can’t stand seeing a grown man cry this is the worst day of my life I I can’t do anything right I I I woke up late and I missed an important meeting
So my my boss fired me and then I walk out to the parking lot and my car is stolen and I don’t have any insurance oh great laugh it up I left my wallet in the cab on the ride home and I find my wife in bed with the
Gardener no I just I tried to work up the courage to come to this bar and just end my life and you go ahead and you drink the damn poison what yeah you’re going to want to call an ambulance make that Too well hello Percy feather plucking cheater eat spatula and die spittles stick we’re here fair and square then why is our FY Dutty cheer book missing booger breath I don’t know why don’t you check your donkey door oh why don’t you check your donkey door I will pineapple
Slap your ass cut Bring It On dooky head poo poo face hey you canle Bandits knock off the Pumpernickel fabulous orbit peppermint and spint clean another dirty mouth for a good clean feeling no matter what in your frider cold Pantry there’s a place for all your food fresh and
Frozen canned bottled and wrapped newb and leftover they’re all right there and they’re all at your fingertips let’s start with the most ingenious store in any refrigerator it has special places for bottles spreadable butter cheeses even leftovers and a big picture window hydrator for fruits and vegetables it
Tilts down to show you your supply at a glance and it also lifts out so you can take it over to the sink when there’s a fresh Supply to be washed and put away but that’s just the door think of all you can store in here on these big firm
Shelves that roll all the way out to you so you can get at the food in back without moving anything in front and how about your Frozen things oh yes there’s a place for them too in this big big food freezer even your ice cubes have a
Special place for storage right here and watch how they get there you just take out a tray turn it over and push you get a shower of ice cubes all Frosty dry and ready to use see all the wonderful ideas in this Frid a cold Pantry at your own
Frid a dealers it’s further proof you get the best when you buy Frid A Milkman is this a bad Time flond D Cooks up with your favorite flavors to bring you the best ice cream bars ever Conceived I feel terrible I know how to make you feel better better so what do you think I’m pretty sure that’s not how they’re made kondik ice cream meets candy bar the best ice cream bar ever Conceived happy aniversary fore Foree lipstick for for speech foreign spee foreign speech Fore Fore happy birthday to you happy birthday [Applause] Fore fore foreign For foree foreign fore foreign fore spee speech Than G When [Applause] fore peer F Hello come home early oh I can’t I’m working I let some candles I’m swamped I bought by for the great taste that won’t fill you up and never let you down make it a Bud Light come again and he’s got a pencil LOD welcome back to hack job today we’re
With the Gilberts okay guys are you ready to see your new kitchen me too let’s go take a look oh here we go it looks amazing he didn’t do anything we just put bed light on the counter exactly it totally opens it up we gave it a fun vibe clearly this
Is a room people want to hang out in it’s the sure sign of a good time it’s just right Taste of Bud Light here we go the landscapers are here nice [Applause] Long per Yogurt That’s me smoothie M He [Applause] H Foreign speech fore spee CL mod hey come hey baby me and the homies going to hit the dusty bubble this Saturday I’m just letting you know you talking about that new strip club yeah the one that just opened on the West Side they say the strippers get butt booty ass naked
In there so I you know we got to check it out okay me and Miranda supposed to be going to the Usher concert this weekend anyway so y’all going to what we going to see Usher oh y’all going to church okay okay what yeah y Church Usher I thought I’m
Talking about urer ushers urer ushers you know I got plans to put my hands in places I’ve never seen why you singing that part oh I was just trying to help you remember who ush I mean he he got a lot of other lyrics though I me was the
First ones that PO in my head it’s like a whole verse before you get to part it’s like 7:00 on the dot in the Drop Shop see I had already started kind of singing it in my head before you had started talking and that’s the part I
Left off on look if you want to break up that’s all you had to say wait what you talking about why is this my first time hearing about you going to see us what is your problem I I just found out she just said she got free tickets from I
Already know how this go I don’t need details you and Miranda going to go to the concert he going to pull y’all on STS and then y’all going to run a reverse train on him bro what [ __ ] you must think Adam 22 yo you are out your
[ __ ] mind what you know what you nasty and you for the streets so take your ass back to him take my ass back to where to the streets pack your [ __ ] and get out of my house bro this is my house you moved in with me cuz you didn’t have a place oh
Well [ __ ] let’s work it out cuz I no I’m saying I’m [ __ ] him for real now what up Council I’m here to discuss artificial intelligence AI is going to take all of our jobs and render us useless and I for one am stoked I hate jobs I had a job once and
Everyone there talked in weird voices AI is going to 86 all of that but but we’ll still need money that is why I’m asking the government to step up and make sure we’re breaded we are proposing a small payment plan or small PP of 10 g a month
For every citizen so we can party and look hot and enjoy our free time now we can’t afford to just sit back and have ai bust through and not have a plan we got to make sure people have food and houses so we can party and
Rage In Peace So instruct AI to pay all of us and then you dudes can retire gracefully before you get replaced and we see you at the beach the bonfires will be epic everybody will be hot Martin Luther King thank [Applause] you when you can’t do the activities you
Love you can’t be you three out of five young adults experience early onset arthritis negro can help negro increases cartilage and strengthens muscle tissue in the knees so you can feel like you again don’t be a slave to joint pain free yourself and the results will be noticeable hey that guy’s using negro
Hey negro negro hey negro negro look at him go negro get back to what you do best get back to you negro please negro is available only by prescription consult your doctor to see if negro is right for you negro please meet Josh he’s here for a special
Date just not the one he thinks it is hi what are you doing here uh nothing just having some lemonade you were expecting a little running hot dog weren’t you no I I don’t know who that and what’s with all this there’s Relish in the car isn’t there yeah wiener snitel the World’s
Most Wanted wiener make your wallet happy with the five for five deal five original chili dogs for the ridiculous price of five bucks hurry in before we run out gotcha whoa hello there wiener snitel the World’s Most Wanted wiener is taking one of your favorites
To new heights with a low low price just $49 feeds your chili cheese fries fix but not for long hurry in all right these guys hey hey fellas hey hey no no no David blae no no no I’m taping the street magic special mm- you want to see
Some magic no no you made fools out of us last time no thank you look we were just out shopping all day we just want to go into my apartment and relax so byebye where’ did you go shopping we went to an outlet store okay you wouldn’t have heard of it it’s not
Trendy yet nobody knows about it what’ you buy uh I bought a green sweater if you want to know okay I bought a green sweater interesting are you sure you didn’t buy a teddy bear yes I’m sure I didn’t teddy bear what the f how did you
How did he get it where where’s my sweater David bla David bla he bought a green sweater okay so you can’t just make that disappear okay that’s like stealing it’s the equivalent of stealing so where is it I spent like $48 so you’re not being clever at this point
All right you’re being mean you’re being stupid where is it look at your effing body right now Peter what the f how I was holding things did you feel anything on thanks you stretched it out probably thank you please please stretch it out I don’t want to wear it now pleas stop I
Don’t even want to wear it yet hey what are you drinking I’m drinking orange soda ooh big favorite you’re going to turn into a teddy bear I’m holding it orange soda hey what else is orange what else is orange I don’t know cheit cheesus what the cheesus [ __ ] what the
Cheesus cheesus Jesus Jesus where’s my orange soda what’ you do with it what’ you do with it where’s my orange soda it’s orange soda in my mouth what the f you put it in my mouth what the f how did you get it in my mouth please
Stop you demon you’re a demon H please stop you demon all right imagine this chicken is your hard drive and the 80s metal band Dawan is a computer virus Dawan does not like chicken and wants to destroy it the chicken not knowing daan’s intentions doesn’t really have any feelings either way now you
Have a choice would you like to allow daan to have its way with your chicken unleashing a wrath the likes of which the chicken has never seen or would you like to deny It protect your chicken from Dawan deny digital dangers with Norton Internet Security 2011 whoa take it easy bro this ain’t over protect your chicken from docking deny digital dangers with Norton Internet Security 2011 all right these guys hey fellas hey I’m taping a street magic special you want to see some magic
Hell to the no hell no we filed a restraining order against your demon assle you know what I’m calling the police right right now uh here we go yes yeah keep talking to us David blae keep eing with us cuz guess what it’s illegal it’s literally illegal thank you thank
You okay they had a squad car very close so okay they’re on their way haha David blame hey on their way what kind of car do you drive uh I drive a black Honda big whoop big whoop black Honda interesting is it compact compact I don’t know look for yourself what the f
Where where is it you stole my car my car is gone no it’s not look closer what are you talking about he shrunk your effing car what the he your effing there s you you shrunk my Honda you [ __ ] things in there my jeans are in here
Great great my favorite hat okay it’s Barbie size now how am I supposed to wear that he you know what no you’re so going to jail give me this evidence evidence all my stuff EV AB cromie jeans they’re distressed $70 look at all my CDs John Mayor carry
Under Comm millionaire you shrunk Comm millionaire Comm millionaire you know what you know what I hope Chris Angel finds you and beats your ass he enlarged the car while I was holding it what the hell I could have died are you okay yes yes oh wait my hat
Is back though my hat is back thanks David bla thanks you enlarged his hat but my abrom is and my CDs are still Barbie size doesn’t fit you know what I hate you I don’t want to see you David Bland I want to see your face okay okay
You know what I’ll tell you what all you have to do is stand under this sheet I’ll count to three and you won’t see me again I won’t see you again no oh guess what guess what I like the sound of that that’s the best trick I’ve ever heard in
The history of your [ __ ] ass trick Evan no be careful under there I don’t trust this one please okay this is so dumb I’m under a sheet big Evan did you Barbie size him Evan where are you did he shrink you Barbie size what did you shrink him no where is
He you disappeared Evan somewhere bring my friend back now David Blaine okay what what the f Peter what was that Evan where am I I heard something somewhere Peter EV Evan Peter you messed him up you messed him up Peter come here come here what happened I was in dinosaur times
What why you were only gone for like 10 seconds well I spent a week in dinosaur times okay like 5 days four nights like eating berries and [ __ ] fighting dinosaurs did you get to ride any no I didn’t get to ride any was this The Land
Before Time with little foot and [ __ ] it was like Jurassic Park you demon he didn’t even get to ride any Peter look at your head right now what you have sized it now stop changing the size of my head demon police police please please great hi hi hi let’s shut that camera
Off Top Model singing on Ice Men with Talent [Applause] well stay up the roads if you can folks lots of reports of black ice W you got to watch out for that dangerous black ice it’s transparent and sneaky hard to see black ice that’s right Marcy keep your loved ones safe and warn them to stay off the street tonight because of
Menacing life robbing black black ice I think we have Channel 17’s field reporter Darren hemper with more Darren Yeah I’m standing out here at historic Ramsey Hill where there are currently no cars on the street due to uh hazardous driving conditions Darren are you talking about black ice that’s right oo Jesus fren just to even say black ice it’s scary tricky ruthless stuff that black ice a
Perfectly safe neighborhood can be suddenly terrorized by the appearance of Black Ice well one must keep in mind that just because black ice looks different than white ice it doesn’t make it any more dangerous also one must remember how hard it is for Black Ice to survive what with the authorities trying
To destroy it with the snow plows and the salt trucks but black black I perseveres uhhuh that’s right that’s right and as you can see right now the city is being controlled by lots of oppressive white snow making it hard for all people to advance and we don’t hear
Much news about that now do we no we do not well thank you very much brother Darren but let’s be honest black ice is the real Menace last night I was in a perfectly safe neighborhood walking away from an ATM machine when black I just snuck up on me and practically robbed me
Of my balance ouch that sounds exactly like something black ice would do well I just hope that folks watch out so the white snow doesn’t blind them and keep them from seeing what’s really going on all I’m saying is I can’t think of a single Christmas song about black ice
Lots of cheerful uplifting songs about snow so well for the record black ice never asked to be out here no in did not it’s a product of the environment woo Hallelujah in fact black ice didn’t land on the road the road landed on black ice woo
Amen okay next up why is America being ruined by black People what really happened on that Thursday here at Augusta High School that led to Chris Wood’s death the [ __ ] is that [ __ ] I’m dying this [ __ ] country ass [ __ ] up town [ __ ] flying in my mouth the [ __ ] I can’t see p let’s get the [ __ ] out of this country [ __ ] I can’t [Applause]
See okay I am delighted we could share in the Serenity and joy of this beautiful day as we come together to celebrate the commitment of these would you mind moving your enormous phone you mean the enormously awesome Galaxy search one trick pony aren’t you a little young to have an
IPhone you want to go I sheet copy Bots auto correct this is there an app for that search karate karate you think if they knew about the Nokia Lumia they’d stop fighting all the time I don’t know I think they kind of like fighting the Windows phone Nokia Lumia
920 and gadgets reader Choice smartphone of the Year we have some developing news police are currently looking for the person who they say drove their car into a popey’s restaurant this morning police say that person faces multiple charges this woman wanted to fight me over some biscuits I’m telling you the truth me and her
Order at the same time she heard me say I want the last uh four five biscuits that’s up now I got a cousin that work back there on in Popeyes as a manager who you think going to get them biscuits so I go back to my seat I ain’t worried about nothing
She getting mad talking about oh I finish show you I I got something for you and then in my here I said hold up wait a minute something ain’t right when the black person say they got something for you you better not be there when
They show you what it is when they get back so I’m feeling courageous I ain’t scared of nothing I’m KN on the window to be Petty start eating the uh uh uh biscuits like I’m Pacman bad idea I can’t do nothing dry throat dry mouth and I can’t warn nobody
Uh she putting the car in park I mean and drive and she coming straight and I sound like I’m a NFL quarterback can’t nobody understand me next thing I know she bust through the glass and I’m getting humped by SUV turning to health news doctors at John’s Hopkins Medical School have discovered
That bones are the coolest part of the body the 10year study found that although the body has many cool things in it nothing is cooler than your skeleton just think about it you have this soft fleshy body but inside of it there’s a second tinier body that’s made
Out of a super hard rock our data is conclusive bones are very very cool to conduct the study researchers examined every single body part and determined how cool or uncool it was we initially thought the brain might be the coolest part because it’s like a computer that
Runs on food but when we looked at it up close it was all gross and wrinkled brains are not cool bones are cool the wide variety of Bones is one of the main reasons scientists say they’re so cool doctors discovered that there are big strong bones like baseball bats in your
Arms and legs hand bones that look like a monster claw and skull bones that make a scary face according to the report even bones weaknesses just make them cooler bones can break which sounds like it sucks but then the bone can heal itself and merge back together just like
The T1000 that’s pretty [ __ ] Cool so I bought this cheese here it cost me $40 and there is a hair stuck to it oh yeah we can take that back wait wait what here oh okay take this your next purchases on us did you want to fight yes please I would
Like to have a little bit of a fight sure yeah um there’s your receipt I I I don’t have I don’t have a receip I can’t take it back without a receipt oh yeah well uh the name of the store is stamped on the cheese okay how I know you didn’t
Just beat up somebody and steal it who does that you might really yeah you look like the kind of might I am going to go on Yelp and I am going to give this place a scathing review scathing I’m going to blow up the internet I’m going
To break it oh my God You’ scared me so much please take our money leave the cheese thank you thank you was that so hard it’s called customer service fine thank you fine thank you that was so welcome a lot of people really like that the Subway restaurant chain has
Reacted with shock this week after Executives discovered that many customers are apparently purchasing foot long sandwiches and eating the entire 12 in by themselves a spokesperson for the company addressed report ERS this morning this is not how our products are intended to be consumed our foot long
Subs have always been meant to be shared among two or more friends eating an entire foot of food shouldn’t be possible for most people but they’ve been doing it somehow and it needs to stop to encourage healthier eating habits Subway is clarifying its marketing adjusting language on menus
And in television commercials like this one $5 footlongs wow that’s 250 per person Subway’s corporate leadership says they were horrified to learn of the misunderstanding it’s honestly frightening I mean you don’t see people eating entire pizzas by themselves we even cut the Foot Longs in half into two regular siiz sandwiches before handing
Them to you but I guess that wasn’t clear enough and of course this story comes on the heels of other fast food restaurants clearing up their own marketing campaigns a new Burger King commercial shows the chicken club sandwich as it was intended to be eaten slowly and in small bites throughout an
Entire day and just last week Taco Bell CLA ified that its restaurants are open until 1:00 a.m. or later in case you have an emergency where you need more dog food and all the stores are closed just one lemon left lemon Skittles are my favorite they’re my favorite let’s settle it the usual
Way let’s settle it the usual way settle it the usual way the usual way settle it settle the usual way the usual Way settle it let’s settle it the usual [Applause] way not so fast lemon is my favorite and I’m a lefty settle the rainbow Taste the rainbow do you feel the [Applause] [Applause] helplessness My keys I’ll Go do you feel the Gratitude And what do you feel now gratitude love yes invites you to feel more with the leading series of yes o the home of HBO yes and what do you feel now well we did it we SE all the bad out and the good in take a second and look
Around you go ahead we have everything we’ve always wanted will want for nothing excuse me I really love it here thank you um we have all these beautiful avocados from Mexico but where are the chips I’m sorry the chips the chips are outside why are they out the chips are [Applause]
Outside I want a Chris Elliot autograph [Applause] hi wait wait wait wait wait please I taste great on lots of things see avocado toast we can still make this work oh Wi-Fi is down no no no no no no no no no avocad from Mexico how long do we have to stay
Before we can go unfortunately I think we have to wait till they she opens the present that’s not till the end of the party can we make a good Oh there’s a lineup at the Bakers would you mind cutting this putting on plate sharing it with everyone I’m going to talk to my guest how about that okay thank you let’s do this do you have the I have the knife here do you have the plate
There oh my God what the M what the [ __ ] is that I can’t sh what is it please tell me what it is that’s a vagina with a baby’s head coming out of it I know that Rita I’m not [ __ ] blind I need you to tell me why that is cake why why
Is that a cake it’s the latest shower Trend vagina cakes are really hot right now I just never I want you to know something look at me I’m very scared okay I’m terrified right now I need you to help me I will it’s utterly realistic that’s why you’re scared okay here we go
1 2 3 hi is that that’s blood BL that’s a bloody membrane the baby has to like claw its way out of it okay okay I’m a bit of a classic I poop on my burger I poop on my potato salad I poop on my kids lunches I poop on my fingers
Grandma I guess I poop on my husband’s [Laughter] chest gray popon poop on everything hello I’d like to order french fries a burger and a milkshake this is a library I’d like to order french fries a burger and a Milkshake at my age I should know better I try and do the best I can to manage things like my high cholesterol but nothing ever seemed to work so I went to see my doctor and he told me I might be suffering from a condition that affects
Lots of people today not giving a [ __ ] about what I eat that’s when I found out about the Thug Kitchen cookbook it’s full of delicious plant-based recipes that really inspired me to get my [ __ ] together start eating some real [ __ ] food and now I’m feeling better than
Ever who are you I remember a time when I thought my kids got enough nutrition from that prepackaged [ __ ] I’d buy at the store I was such a lazy [ __ ] [ __ ] now that I’ve got the Thug Kitchen cookbook I don’t play that [ __ ] anymore
I love to cook good food but who has the [ __ ] time to hunt down a dozen exotic ingredients just to eat better not at my age Thug Kitchen helps me cut through the [ __ ] with language that I can understand if you were someone you love suffers from chronic drive-through
Dinners meat sweats gut Rod sugar shakes or just want to get your [ __ ] together see if the Thug Kitchen cookbook is right for you Thug Kitchen is not for everyone including people who might be offended by words like ass [ __ ] [ __ ] or [ __ ] some side effects may include feeling better looking fly as
[ __ ] saving some goddamn money and in some cases increase culinary competence that could lead to becoming a skilled son of a [ __ ] in the kitchen so find out today if the Thug Kitchen cookbook is right for you you’ll be [ __ ] glad you day what are you doing here I said get out shut
Up call your mother [ __ ] kid you [ __ ] hell yeah okay wait here he comes here he comes here he comes hey yo they was all out of Jack food what’s going on you please have a seat remove the cap God damn it’s chilly Ain blueo this is an intervention
Man what it’s time to let your locks go though what you talking about man people love my locks every time they see me they be like hey blue though I don’t know how you do it you have time to respond later but for right now let us talk we’ve all written very carefully
Prepared messages man that we want to give to you bro a statement from the heart what y’all doing man I look like Stevie Wonder it’s ironic that you say that because you can’t see the truth Dante you got anything you want to say bro take your time bro is you serious y’all don’t
Understand man these my locks it’s me y’all want me to cut my antennas to the universe and or God but Jesus Christ had dread so sh cut shake so shake shake him one more time I look like Lil Wayne no man no you don’t this a Ambush man I ain’t got to
Stay around for this I’m Bluto Bluto you cannot run from this anymore dog and I’m not going to let you I can’t believe y’all doing this to me Mark I helped you move man Rob I helped you rob Mark Bluto you look ridiculous ni stand
Up you know Nik looks up to You Walk This Way She love to Rob Mark to pay Rob just like you dog take off the CIT you got to face that make her put it back on you got to face that man this is your influence man damn he could
Oh [ __ ] he’s so dry am I going to die no you ain’t going to die you hear me come here I apologize I apologize [Applause] I pinky hi this is Pinky start again hold on go this is Pinky he’s a male cat domestic short hair he’s available for adoption he’s pet of the
Week pler County Animal Shelter he’s a very loving cat hang on us please pinky pinky pinky whoa whoa whoa whoa we got a wild cat on our hands pinky settle down Bud careful Cole careful why don’t I get a chench Cole somebody yeah I catch just set it over can’t
Catch catch to get him yeah cuz I’m not going to grab you dude disconnected from the you got back [ __ ] excuse my language Hey kid would you like some drugs the first one is free want to check out my van I got some candy Hey kid you want to join our gang
And spray paint under a bridge no no bug off man I’m going rollers I want to be addicted to roller skating not crap because we roller skate today we will go to college tomorrow pring is fall people that has never roller skated I’m Brad Armstrong owner of Roller Kingdom in Reno Nevada keeping your kids off the streets since
1999 I say no to drugs I say no to G I say no to unplanned pregnancy I say no to myth I say no to Reaper I say yes to ro man this Roller Kingdom is really putting us out of business you said it man this deal sucks but you know what
Maybe we should give up this life of crime and start roll Skating
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