It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht in response Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million Iceberg the US men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row but fellas keep your heads up and remember that win or lose
You will always get paid more than the women’s team it’s true a group of people in England are organizing a Star Wars themed orgy which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in The Mask is actually your father the man hunt for the New York City subway shooter ended
When the suspect called the police tip line to say that he was in an East Village McDonald’s where judging by this photo he was auditioning for the role of Grimace Michael oh come on a man in Virginia is being called the Great greatest Uber driver ever after he and
His teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe coincidentally the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel room officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for covid they had to
Kill more than 2,000 of the pets okay but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class yeah Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines for Ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads and I think no touching could just be a great new rule in
General a couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding there were no survivors I’m worried about this one now an auction of Nazi memorabilia was held which featured items such as Hitler’s top hat an Ava bronze dress and it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia
Because everyone always looks like they’re bidding you some Applause I liked it shortly after a Florida man was arrested for having an I eat ass sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him and I think I know how he got out of it fizer also said that its covid
Vaccine is safe and effective for teens age 12 to 15 well that’s a relief said Matt Gates a group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals such as birds and squirrels but if I had to guess it’s probably because their wife passed
Away I don’t know why I thought that’d make you laugh a New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but I don’t know that rock looks pretty hard Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population and
I’m going to guess it’s the Jewish half a woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet I’m sorry thought he was cheating it was reported that after Morgan wallan lost his recording contract when he was caught on video using the nword sales
For his albums Rose over a th% proving my long-held theory that if NBC would just let me say it the ratings will go up researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee mastbating with a plastic bottle once full the bottle was capped and sold as danani Bannon addressed his supporters in a
Live stream on getter a social media platform popular with Trump allies getter is named after what its users say whenever they see a woman walking alone a mother a mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana laced gummies that she had brought to the
School teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sink up Dark Side of the Moon with Paw Patrol Pope Francis has appointed two women to Vatican post that were previously only held by men apparently God came to him in a dream and told him he could pay women
Less Chicago officials announced that they’re releasing more than a thousand feral cats into the city to help combat its growing rat problem or as the Chicago Health commissioner explained it the cats combat the rats and that’s that Starbucks has announced plans to test out a new delivery service next
Year the way it works is you place an order then a Starbucks employee shows up and destroys your bathroom Joe Biden is now the front runner and just picked up an endorsement from Michigan’s Governor only days before the state’s primary and it makes sense that Michigan would love Biden
Because it kind of looks like a hand trying to touch a lady’s hair a statue of George Floy on display in a New York City Park was defaced for the second time police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application I’ll tell you what to
Do one day I know we be together again officials with wh Mo a self-driving taxi service say that after a year the roboox taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles which explains wh Mo’s slogan let’s get in wh Mo accidents Starbucks Baristas in Seattle
Are saying that they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users meanwhile over at 7-Eleven they’re using them as stirrers it was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on covid vaccine antibodies to their children by
Making them smoothies with their breast milk oh sure but when I asked for that I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice and Arizona woman suffered more than 20 be thingss after a heavy wind blew a beehive onto her head but tragically No One filmed it Chloe Kardashian revealed that she
Recorded a sex tape with her now ex-husband Lamar odm or as Kardashians call that first base an 81-year-old pharmacist in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors wow so he’s a pharmacist now that’s good Thursday is Thanksgiving and there’s so much to be thankful for this
Year unless you’re a human woman announce that after 20 years it will stop production of its iPod Touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them a man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he
Hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on him it’s all part of Domino’s new slogan you die when we say you die Delta Airlines said that this Winter’s Co surge cost them more than $400 million in canceled flights after 8,000 employees caught Corona virus
Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees because when you fly Spirit they keep the windows [Applause] open Dick Sporting Goods has announced that in the wake of the Florida shooting it will immediately stop selling assault rifles good maybe now we can stop ending that hunting is a sport because it’s not
I’ve never seen a deer get shot then grab his side and say ah good game the Trump Administration has also published a list of Chinese exports that could be targeted for tariffs including salt Rubber and animal blood which are the exact ingredients in Monster Energy Drink sanitation officials cleaning out
Sewage lines are reporting finding swamp monsters which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes underwear finger and false teeth which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up Rudy Giuliani in a recent study scientist created 3D scans of dolphin vaginas and found that a dolphin’s Cloris is
Remarkably similar to a human woman’s said the night janitor at SeaWorld well I could have told you that a British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of parliament which seems pretty tame considering our Congress allows full penetration Apple announced that after
20 years it will stop production of its iPod Touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 y to one oh my God y oh c the makers of Barbie have
Introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids it teaches an important lesson it doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging Kevin spy Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at nyu’s graduation ceremony this week because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift you’re
Still going to be paying for it decades later Queen Elizabeth made a surprised public appearance this week week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks it’s not real there are growing there are growing number of nuns who are joining Tik Tock
To show what life in a Convent is really like cuz when the Catholic Church tries to connect with young people it always goes well a California hiker who was attacked by a mountain line said that her dog saved her life by jumping to her defense because after the dog the mountain line
Was way too full to eat anything else it’s not real a New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers the terrifying signs read simply entering New Jersey a school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of
Students spelling out the n-word it’s a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell a painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million it’s a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named titty squid a British woman discovered when
She got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina uh yeah the but [Applause] a 220 karat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off wow 220 Kats I mean can you imagine the size of the child who Min that it’s huge man happy Mother’s Day
Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption led a Congressional Delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today it’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror it was announced that a new disco themed roller skating rink will open
This summer in Central Park another classic 7s Trend returning to the park this summer stabbings well at last year’s finale it seemed like Co was fading and I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever and now summer hottest STD is monkey pox the future is looking pretty
Bleak I mean you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now I mean I just did but don’t worry I’ve been hoarding baby formula paramont plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will star Harrison Ford and Helen mirin the 79-year-old Ford will play a
Wealthy Ranch owner while the 76-year-old mirin will play his grandmother oh woman at a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume the woman says she’s still throbbing and her head feels like it’s ready to explode the world you know as a man there is no way
I can understand the full impact of this issue but I asked a bunch of women around the office what their personal experience was with abortion and I got to admit I learned a lot from the HR meeting they made me go to at the result there are also unconfirmed
Reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery wow I never thought I’d say this but hey good luck [Applause] cancer former president Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election the book will contain 8,000 commas and no periods a new report shows that that
About 6 million Americans now identify as afro Latino afro Latino is also what Spirit Halloween calls their unlicensed Bruno Mars costum I feel your’s think I what you need don’t when we got this chemistry A woman on Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on in an department store and because it was Long Island it was still attached to a finger Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear makeup
And skirts just as long as their husband signed the consent form a new survey lists the best city to live in in the country as Boise Idaho while the worst city was once again rat orgy Delaware shman has introduced a new toilet paper called the forever roll
Which can last someone up to one month we’ll see about that said Chipotle for the entire month of May Applebee’s is serving a margarita for $1 called the dollarita after which you’re guaranteed to come down with a case of dollara New Yorker reporter Jeffrey tubin has been suspended after getting caught
Masturbating on a zoom call and he’s from The New Yorker so you know that jerk was dry as hell oh my God in Time Square returned a lost wallet filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner when told how much money was in the return wallet the man replied
Last week HBO aired leaving Neverland a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson and they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc Dr Conrad Murray Crispy Cream is marking the landing of the Rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after
Mars it’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus many conservatives in Texas are falsely blaming the state’s power outages on renewable energy sources while other conservatives think that the power outages are most likely the result of gay marriage a nail salon and queens called Isis Nails has finally
Changed its name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist group though I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name nail kada I’m worried about this one now an auction of Nazi memorabilia was held which featured items such as Hitler’s
Top hat and Ava Bron’s dress and it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia because everyone always looks like they’re bidding thank you some Applause I lik it Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the Corona virus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious at least that’s what he’s is yelling to anyone
Who gets near him in the showers a 2-year-old in South Carolina found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother in the back like a coward which by the way this would have never happened if the grandmother also had a gun hey Batman turns 80 years old this
Month which explains his new arch nemesis Jamaican nurse Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 lb black bear living on a college campus a black bear that let’s face it took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week
Weird I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show said the NFL researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts so yes there is a way dickpics can get worse capturing Chernobyl is like Landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now in clown news uh clowns in Arizona are rallying in
Support of their profession by organizing a clown lives matter rally because nothing reassures people like an angry mob of clowns even worse the clowns are inviting children to the rally which takes place deep in the woods the world’s heaviest woman died this week the world’s heaviest woman was
Best known for her catchphrase stop calling me that the house the house where Liv Lizzy bored and murdered her parents has been sold for $2 million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast though a bed and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just a days
In it was announced that for the first time ever Disney Parks will feature Black Santa Clauses unfortunately as part of the villains parade recent polls show that Pete Budaj has only 4% support on among African-Americans but that’ll change once Pete announces his running mate the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich Florida police discovered a
Meth lab on the 15th floor of a luxury Condo building which in Florida is something they list in the brochure a student at the University of South Carolina was arrested after she poisoned her roommates food with cleaning fluid said her roommates oh so you do know where the cleaning supplies
Are there reported that Federal authorities investigating the sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gates have secured the cooperation of his ex-girlfriend but not until after her prom Dick Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall Sports fields and an indoor Wellness space unfortunately they’re calling it hands on
Dicks a Tik Tok went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman see it’s like Chay always says gay marriage is a slippery slope it was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme said prince Andrew ooh
Nursery oh c a group of astronomers have calculated the distance to a Galaxy as more than 13 billion light years away which is the most distant Galaxy ever measured it’s so distant the astronomers have given it the nickname dad The Wall Street Journal published an oped suggesting that Dr Jill Biden stop
Using the title doctor because she has a PHD and is not a medical doctor though she has at times functioned as a nurse the holiday our top story tonight like it’s been for as long as I can remember infrastructure last night the house passed President Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill which should be
Enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia bathrooms a 20-year-old woman in Bangladesh with two uteruses gave birth to twins 26 days after giving birth to her first child this according to her vagina’s suicide note Duncan Donuts is saying that his customer rewards program may have been
Hacked because America runs on Duncan but Duncan runs on Windows 98 startup Airline boom supersonic is hoping to eventually fly passengers anywhere in the world in 4 hours or less for just $100 so get ready to fly fast and cheap on the only Airline named after the sound of an
Explosion Las Vegas airport has set up new recepticles that will allow visitors to dispose of their legal marijuana before boarding a plane the receptacles look like this is it inone I you there’s no place like if you want to try let me know it was announced that Pope Francis
Will visit New York City in September and hold a mass in Madison Square Garden because the pope always tries to go where people are suffering the most Matt Gates said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern cuz Gates has always loved teenagers who are willing
To do Terrible Things Matel is releasing a Helen Keller Barbie doll just remember not to let her drive the Barbie Corvette a professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15-year-old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective said the golfer
Mulligan come on man sadly there’s more for those of you wondering in golf terms a 15-year-old is three under par a Colorado woman who posts on only fans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with God a threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom
Comes a couple in Maryland were arrested after they were discovered having sex in their car while two kids were in the back seat worse the kids kept asking are you there yet Bishops Pope Francis suggested that the Vatican may consider dropping celibacy requirements for some priests then he
Rushed back to the mic to add with adult women the international handball federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms but they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle President Obama this week criticized the spread of fake news on social media but
Can we really trust a guy who’s also a secret gay alien former president Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of Hope and unity okay but did he know that he was speaking in Florida in Florida hope is just the name of a stripper who took bath salts and bid off her
Neighbor’s face a video has also gone viral of President Biden finishing a beach in North Carolina then apparently turning to shake hands with an invisible person hey her name is kamla Louisiana police arrested a man for shooting his 18-year-old son during an argument over orange juice it’s considered the second worst crime that
OJ is responsible for Cambridge University in England’s released a new calendar featuring student athletes naked unfortunately they’re all from the Quidditch team nice Louisiana police arrested a man for shooting his 18-year-old son during an argument over orange juice it’s considered the second worst crime that OJ is responsible
For McDonald’s announced a new oreo shamrock shake coincidentally Oreo Shamrock is also what Colin calls Obama a new survey lists the best city to live in in the country as Boise Idaho while the worst city was once again rat orgy Delaware a California company has created a new marijuana based vaginal
Suppository to help women suffering from menstrual pain and ladies if you’re lucky it might give your boyfriend the [Applause] munchies Taco Bell is selling a strawberry Skittles freeze made with Skittles candy you know Mexican food just like Mia buella used to make a new report shows that hurricane
Flores was the wetest in history the previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of Magic Mike a woman was arrested in Florida after she stole four watches and hid the inside her vagina officials became suspicious when the woman took a licking but kept on
Ticking a new study lists the best city in the US to raise a family as Moscow Idaho while the worst is once again Hy Uncle Maryland I know that according to reports Kim jung-un has not been seen in public for over a month after injuring his ankles and not
As I had hoped because he’s traveling around the world in Dennis Rodman’s backpack Golf Digest Magazine has created a controversy over a new cover featuring 20-year-old golfer Lexi Thompson posing with only a towel covering her breasts but before you call them sexist they did the same thing last month with Arnold
Palmer military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger the focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to president Trump’s autocorrect a gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don’t take down their
Gay pride flag and it is truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people who haven’t left Wisconsin a man in New York state was trapped inside his car for 10 hours overnight when a plow covered his car in 4 feet of snow even more amazing his
Wife believed that story a candy store in Los Angeles has created a 440 lb peanut butter cup it’s called CeeLo and now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where the New York doctor with Abola visited are having the entire facility professionally cleaned thus making it no longer technically a bowling
Alley a housing developer in Arizon a has created new apartments costing $1,000 a month that are made out of shipping containers it’s all part of his plan to trick Mexicans pelaton being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a pelaton bike that her husband
Gave her but at least they decided against using the slogan pelaton you better keep it tighter than the babysitter Elon must defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying quote if I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment
This is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30-year career that it comes to light ooh sorry we were looking for a simple did not do it the answer was did not do it Colombian veterinarian has been charged with allegedly smuggling heroin inside of puppies this according
To the very dark sequel to The secret life of pets in an effort to draw attention to National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in Minnesota more than 10,000 bras were hooked together and hung from a crane well I do not want to know how Minnesota celebrates Black History Month scientists are working to develop
Advanced Ultra black materials that are so dark they absorb 99% of all light light oh sure but when I try to develop Ultra black material I’m booed at the Apollo the annual New York City Taxi calendar has been released featuring pictures of topless cab drivers while a
Calendar of Uber drivers is available on the sex offender registry Let it’s to [Applause] it oh God Nigeria’s president muhammadu bhari for the first time denied months old rumors that he had died and been replaced by a lookalike from Sudan see even Africans can’t tell black people first lady Melania Trump or as I’ve been calling her sexy ass Michael Jackson launched a campaign to stop
Cyber bullying called be best as in it would be best if you got a divorce Crispy Cream is marking the landing of the Rover on Mars by offering a limited edition dut modeled after Mars it’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus many conservatives in Texas are
Falsely blaming the state’s power outages on renewable energy sources while other conservatives think that the power outages are most likely the result of gay marriage a nail salon and queens called Isis Nails has finally changed its name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist
Group though I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name nail kada I’m worried about this one now an auction of Nazi memorabilia was held which featured items such as Hitler’s top hat and Ava bronze dress and it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia because everyone always looks like
They’re bidding some Applause I like it Harvey winstein has reportedly beaten the Corona virus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious at least that’s what he’s yelling to anyone who gets near him in the shower [Laughter] a 2-year-old in South Carolina found a revolver in the car and ended up
Shooting his grandmother in the back like a coward which by the way this would have never happened if the grandmother also had a gun Republicans also released their tax plan this week which explains why Paul Ryan’s been rock hard hard since Thursday a man in Arizona is claiming
That he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating he first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus for this actual headline I read today disabled chicken who survived weasel attack learning to walk thanks to custom wheelchair guys just eat the chicken in an unprecedented move that
Could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court a draft opinion was leaked which indicates that they intend to overturn roie Wade so the court is usually careful but they slipped up just this once and now they’ve got to live with it forever wow sounds really unfair the opinion was written by
Justice Samuel Leo and he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s so it’s an outdated opinion from an angry 70-year-old this shouldn’t be a Supreme Court decision it should just be a Facebook post the opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bub
Here’s how you know he quotes his own colleague Brett Kavanaugh six times one for each beer in the pack he even cites Kavanagh on civil rights which is like citing Amber Herd on how to make a [Applause] bed
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