Wiona had the TV Guide told you I’d make it up to you ah so Mr castano was pretty mad huh yeah he almost ruined his life’s work he collects these yeah wow all right well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker
TV Guide to him what’ you do with the one you took I don’t know Okay yeah uh L what did uh what did he say huh what did who say your boss didn’t you tell him about the coffee table book um yeah you didn’t tell him did you Kramer it is such a dumb idea I would wait bring it I would be embarrassed to
Bring it up I thought it was a pretty good idea it’s about coffee tables it’s on a coffee table yeah right right and on the cover is a built-in coaster all right I’m going to go where you going well I’m going to go to the
Cigar stores I’m going to see if I can sell that Indian my Indian you know I think it’s worth something it’s [Applause] kchy oh 8 years isn’t such a long streak it isn’t no I haven’t vomited in 133 years get out not since June 29th 1980 you remember the date yes because my
Previous vomit was also June 29th 1972 that’s why during the 80 vomit I was yelling to George can you believe it I’m vomiting on June 29th again boy you know when Joel told me he hadn’t thrown up in 8 years I was wondering if he was normal no Elaine
He’s normal your boyfriend is a normal guy he just happens to have the same name is one of the worst serial killers in the history of New York oh J I got to go I gotta go hey we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop oh yeah yeah what’s his name Joel
Joel what uh riffkin riffkin Joel rifken yeah it’s it’s just a coincidence obviously guess you better keep on his good side H very very funny that’s very funny yeah I wouldn’t sleep with my back to him if I were you all right yeah that’s enough of that that’s enough hey El listen if
You smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car okay look this is my boyfriend we’re talking about okay and he’s a gentleman he’s goodl look he’s a good shaver and he has some thrown up in 8 years so just shut up about him shut Up did you get oh you’re done good the nman it was a cinch where you Going 900 do I hear a thousand ladies is a Harvard graduate a thousand a thousand okay a thousand once 1,00 twice 1,00 three times sold to the lucky lady in the third row congratulations thank you so much okay our next Bachelor is number um 124 on your program
He he is um he’s a high school graduate oh equivalency high school equivalency program graduate um he’s um selfemployed he’s I don’t know 6′ 3 190 lb he likes uh fruit and uh he just got a a haircut so crer Cramer okay um what do we start the
Bidding um do I hear five Bucks the next morning I I woke up and it it was going like this I I can control it if I really concentrate but otherwise yes well I’m going to have to be perfectly honest with you please doctor I’ve examined you yes I’ve looked at your x-rays uhhuh
And I find that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you really nothing nothing that would indicate involuntary [Laughter] spasms well it’s kind of a mystery isn’t it no not really how so may I suggest the possibility that you’re faking faking what makes you think that I have
Time to see see doctors take X-rays make appointments when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me what kind of a person would do a thing like that I don’t know what kind of person would do something like that obviously a very sick person a very immature person a person
Who has no regard for wasting other people’s valuable time goodbye I see here doctor I said goodbye fine you know I just heard the lexingon line is out oh you are kidding me how am I supposed to get to this meeting take a car service we have an account no forget
It I hate those every time I’ve have taken one the driver will not stop talking to me no matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yaking away why does everything always have to have a social component you know see the stage coach now that would have been a
Good situation for me cuz I’m and the coach and the driver’s way up there on the stage well you’re not going to get a cab now 4:30 on a Friday afternoon bring a magazine keep your head down I guess that could work and that is it match to miss Natalia baldon
Coming up next men’s singles but for now let’s stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful Tennis Center backdrop holy cow it’s a scorcher Bo I bet you that guy could cover a lot of Court hey buddy they got a new invention it’s called a
Napkin well we’ll take a station break and continue with more action you’re don’t I care about your pants whooshing I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whistled no no no he he got fired because he wasn’t a team player that’s something we don’t joke
About at McKenzie you’ll find we’re a team here George we don’t tolerate descent you want to go your own way you’re in the wrong place no problem there Conformity is an obsession with me chocolate cream pie compliment to the house oh hope you saved room for dessert
The chef said that he made it special for you oh best pie I’ve ever tasted take a bite George take a bie it’s delicious I insist if you’re one of us you’ll take a bite so I am walking along mining my own business when all of a sudden this thing
Comes flying out of nowhere and clonks me right on the head wow yeah so they took me to the hospital yeah yeah and they put me in this thing that feels like a coffin for 45 minutes you ever been in one of those things you could go
Bazer in there well you have insurance I wish unbelievable yeah what is with this thing I don’t know it never shuts up so anyway you could see why I would be interested in finding this person absolutely you should not have to pay for that stop it stop it let me have a
Look at this thing you know somebody told me they thought they saw that thing come out of a limousine typical rich people using the world for their personal garbage can boy am I lucky your name came up I just pushed a button I would like to know what my name’s doing
In this creeps organizer to begin with yeah who do want I know who would have even been in a limousine yesterday uhoh M I love the smell of Bakery oh look elae the black and white cookie I love the black and white two races of flavor living side by side in harmony
It’s a wonderful thing isn’t it you know I often wonder what you’ll be like when you’re scile I’m looking forward to it yeah I think it’ll be a very smooth transition for you thank you all right well look at all this stuff what are we getting chocolate bobka
That’s their specialy love that bobka yeah yeah but listen elae when we get up to the door you you hold the cake box what I don’t know just standing there with a box holding it by the little string you think it’s a feminite it’s a tad
Dainty oh we forgot to pick a number oh see that’s not fair we we were here ahead of all these people yeah I you think I should go and ask her for hers uh no forget it no no no no no it’s not fair just because they have a ticket
Doesn’t mean they were here first we were here and we were ahead of them and them and her come on let’s just go ask him come on excuse me well I’m not finding a spot here what do you want to do H just double part no no why not I’ll get a
Ticket besides what if somebody wants to get out of here are you kidding people get spaces this good they never give them up that’s a f see all right I tell you what why don’t you go into the store and I’ll wait in the car why don’t you go into the store
And I’ll wait in the car because I’ve got the coat I can sit in the car and not get cold so what I’m going to leave the car running and the heat will be on the heat are even work in this car no hey there’s a spot right in front of
The liquor store you see I see you see well I’ve been waiting a while for this you know it’s a shame Tony got all banged up because we’re not going to be able to get together on Saturday night oh that’s too bad what a shame yeah it
Is it’s a damn shame a damn shame well maybe when he’s feeling better yeah without a doubt I’m down oh hey how you doing uh Jane this is my neighbor Kramer oh hey hello Kramer [Applause] well hello Jan Jerry’s told me so much about you I feel like I know you
Intimately oh I don’t think so no we never met I never talked to you before on the phone all right I’ll see you later Budd wait wait where you go where you going uptown to the Y oh I’m going uptown too you want to split a cat what about the [Applause]
Driver what are you talking about all right that changed my mind uh yeah I I don’t think I’m going to go now all right well I’ll see you later nice to meeting you see you what’s with you that’s her who Erica she’s Erica oh you think she’s Erica the
Phone sex woman Jerry that voice is tattooed on my brain it’s her I’m telling you it’s her ah you’re crazy am I or am I so sane that you just blew your mind it’s impossible is it or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a
Top it can’t be can it or is your entire world just crashing down all around you all right that’s enough yeah why he asked you out we started to talk and I told him that I jog and then he put his hand on my heart on your
Heart Jerry the man is a doctor doctor he’s a podiatrist so same thing anyone can get into Podiatry school George got into Podiatry school really hello oh hi are you going to be stopping by later yes I’ll be stopping okay see you later see you later well we can’t all be dating [Applause]
Podiatrists it’s over what how’ you get in grandma what’s that Lobster looks like a swan she says we can’t go out anymore why cuz I’m not lvan Orthodox her parents won’t let her get involved with anyone who isn’t Lan Orthodox Lan Orthodox oo it is lobster she’s limiting herself to Lan
Orthodox it’s too bad I know this was the only woman I never lied to well it’s not entirely true oh whatever this is delicious succulent she knew I didn’t have a job you know I lived at home didn’t seem to bother her I think I could have married
This one why don’t you just ask for parents I can’t I met them they’re devout you know in the cab on the way over here I I actually thought about converting to La be an orthodox why not what do I care [Applause] you know it’s not like changing
Toothpaste I think it would be romantic really yeah it’s like Ed VII abdicating the throne to marry Mrs Simpson oh like King Edward like King Edward Jerry yeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank and Estelle castanza you know what I could probably do this what’s the difference George I
Was just kidding around I wouldn’t even have to tell her I could surprise her George I wasn’t serious how hard could it be you make a little contribution you have a ceremony I am going to think about this I am really going to think about
This I guess this one is my fault oh yeah George thanks so much for making breakfast Georgie these are the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever tasted I didn’t know you could cook well I’m just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host yes George the whole breakfast is breathtaking good morning morning morning
Kramer I want to thank you again for last night you really saved me what happened well I almost tried the lobster but Kramer stopped me well I knew you’d regret it for the rest of your life you’re right I would have hey look at this guy little breakfast yeah and uh
You eat eggs don’t you yes I do all right thank you these are delicious where did you learn to make eggs like this these are so good a and did you like them mhm oh good you know you might want to try eating it with one of these
There’s Lobster in these eggs not that much you know they tend to shrink in the water well I guess I got to go too well this has turned out to be one hell of a weekend excuse me I’m sorry to bother you but uh we’re trying to track down a lobster poacher
That uh cleaned out one of the traps wonder what’s going on guess I should go up and apologize there he is Officer yeah don’t you ever knock I don’t know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael and Carol hey if you saw me naked I wouldn’t want to ride
The same car with you either I still can’t believe Michael thinked on Kramer how is he going to pay off $1,000 fine they got some sort of program hey there’s a tomato St let’s let’s stop I can get some more hey is that Michael’s car there’s Rachel
Where it was an inferno in there an inferno there he is that’s him that’s the to that left us die I was trying to lead the way we needed a leader someone to lead the way to safety but you yelled get out of my way because
Because as the leader if I die then all hope is lost who would leave the clowns instead of castigating me you should all be thinking me what kind of a topsy pervy world do we live in where where heroes are cast as villains brave men as cowards but I saw you push the
Women and children out of the way in a mad panic I saw you knocked them down and when you ran out you left everyone behind seemingly seemingly to the untrained eye I can fully understand how you got that impression what looked like pushing what looked like knocking down was a safety
Precaution in a fire you stay close to the ground am I right and when I ran out that door I was not leaving anyone behind oh quite the contrary I risked my life making sure that exit was clear any other questions how do you live with yourself it’s not
Easy they’re not coming no they had plans how could they have plans which what I want to know what difference does it make they wouldn’t lie to us they’re our dear friends what am I supposed to do with all this paa we said tomorrow maybe maybe maybe they don’t like us why
Wouldn’t they like us again with the pepper what are you got to use all that pepper for I keep quiet what are you trying to set my mou on fire I don’t know what the reason could Be hello oh Jerry you would not believe the time we had Aaron is quite the tour guide Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings oh sure like mon don’t you think he had to be nearsighted I mean nobody would paint like that if they could see it’s all out
Of focus well he’s from the impressionist school you know like Monae man tippy tippy day day I say that guy was painting without his glasses hello Rachel yeah uh no they’re back Jerry if you have something to do we can just sit right here and read yes
Well uh I’m sorry too listen I’ll I’ll call you later okay fine well I should be going oh thanks again goodbye bye hey oh you must be Kramer I’ve heard about [Laughter] you hey you must be Aaron I’ve heard about you we’ll see you later yeah bye
Okay so uh what are you guys doing for dinner we have no plans look at that Helen do you see what he’s wearing that’s the executive now what is the executive the beltless trench coat my father invented it I sure did rain coats were my business the executive was a
Classic these haven’t been made in 20 years why would they nobody bought them then he’s wearing one yeah these are a hot item at Rudies you don’t say you know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida get them up here you
Know you give me 25% I’ll I’ll take care of everything you got a deal yeah right this is like the of Smith and Wesson I’ll call Jack Kampus he’s got a key to the garage he can send them overnight delivery you’re going to first start shipping boxes we’re leaving for
Paris in 3 days he’ll send them Express you’re crazy I’ll tell you how crazy I am I’m going to pay for this whole trip with these coats I’m paying for the trip so much the Better um would you um can I pardon the syrup would you pass the syrup oh you want to try the syrup can I get anything else um yeah I think my wife and I will have a little more coffee okay and a check for my husband to my beautiful wife a to my
Adoring husband adoring what about handsome I like adoring yeah sure adoring is good for you what does it do for me um excuse me where did you get that I well um uh we don’t allow any outside syrups jams or condiments in the restaurant and if I catch you in here
With that again I will confiscate it yeah well I I told my wife not to bring it really 20 so she’s just sitting there she’s having a pleasant conversation and all of a sudden it it out out wow I spent so much time trying to get their clothes off I never thought I’d
Taking mine off all right hey come on get out of here Do’s going to be here all right I’m going you know what I’ve come to realize I’m not just bored I genuinely dislike her but how long are you going to keep this up hey I’ll get married if I have
To aln she you’ll think twice before he opens his mouth about me again you know George they’re doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days I’d be happy to set up a meet and greet very disappointed to hear you talk like that you still don’t know what makes me tick
Yes I do what are you doing I’m going to the hospital to see Fulton I’m not even saying hello I’m going right into Material just just uh flopp it on the counter there oh I got a message hey it’s George I got nothing to say that sounds urgent let me call him back hello who’s this Donna Chang I’m sorry I must have dialed the wrong number Donna Chang I should have
Told talk to her I love Chinese women isn’t that a little racist if I like their race how can that be racist hello is this Donna Chang again yes yes I am calling George oh the lines are crossed you’re getting his calls well what do you know so listen I’m going through this
Stuff like water who are you talking to he’s with a Chinese woman you know I dig Asian women you had a comfort problem there no I think these jockey shrunk I thought you wore silk underwear no no no well you know I wore them for about a month but I couldn’t stick with
It I need the secure packaging of jockeys my boys need a [Applause] house that’s nice nice listen Kramer you know if you ever want to have kids you shouldn’t wear briefs boxers are much better for your sperm count sperm count well how many sperms should I have a
Lot I got a date with the Chinese woman she knew who I was she saw me at a club one time my first date ever with the Pacific Rim I’m very excited jar you ever have your sperm count checked no why should I I wear boxers you ever get a woman pregnant I’m
Sorry Kramer those records are permanently sealed what would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman really you never slip one past the goalie in all these years boy I’m surprised you’ve slept with a lot of women a lot of do you think maybe I’m
Depleted well I’m sure you’re not totally depleted yeah but what if I am I’m the last male Kramer we’re facing extinction so go to a fertility clinic have your sperm count check yeah but then I’d have to well you know into a cup in the middle of the day I conflict
With your regular schedule all right I’m going to try Norine again I am very excited about this date we’re going to Honan balcony she’s Chinese so you suggest Chinese food she suggested it I thought Chinese don’t eat Chinese she’s very assimilated hello Paul again you can’t get one ring past
Him hey hey hey you don’t call me back I tried your lines crossed with a Chinese woman huh hey George we saw your father on the street before what’s he doing in the city today you didn’t ask him you didn’t say hello well he was with someone a man in a
Cape why was he wearing a cape was my father wearing a cape no jacket and TI no cape huh Cape what was a man with a cape doing with my father what was my father doing with a man in a cape why you Cape hello Jerry hello Uncle Leo listen I don’t want to alarm you but your nana is missing Nana’s missing I came to pick her up for a doctor’s appointment she wasn’t here I called the doctor nobody knows where she is she hasn’t left the apartment in 25 years
I I’ve been thinking about her I just cashed some of her checks yeah that’s right you did what kind of checks I think Chemical Bank oh they we’re chemical chemical she has news that accounts since a branch closed what are you doing cashing her checks anyway well
Kramer thought it would make her happy I never should have cashed those checks hey I didn’t twist your arm your grandmother’s on a very fixed income what are you broke just just call me if you hear anything well I cashed the check the checks bounce and now my Nana is
Missing well don’t look at me it’s your fault my fault your nana is missing because she’s been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people so I like Julie she very personable yeah she’s lovely that’s great Julie so did you enjoy your
Lunch yeah it’s a big salad it was very good actually it was too [Laughter] big why oh no cuz you know she handed you the bag I could have handed you the bag but she happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though even though what that’s just you thanked her even
Though that’s what what are you trying to say George it’s just that I was the one that actually paid for the big sty and she just happened to hand it to you it’s no big deal you want the money for the big Sal no then what is your problem there is no
Problem just a small miscommunication whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for see the big Z the resemblance is uncanny even the brown eyes well a lot of people have brown eyes no there’s something else an indefinable quality Grace Grace yes you think I am
Grace some Grace yes just some well you don’t want too much grace or you won’t be able to stand oh Mr pit Elaine I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant now I’ll pay you the same as pendant but I would need you to start right
Away hey Buck talk to you for a second sure George how’s everything going everything okay well you know all of a sudden there’s a problem with table swing but listen Buck I uh obviously I don’t don’t need to talk to you about the importance of play them Mor but uh I’ve
Been talking to some of the guys and some of them I don’t want to mention any names but some of them aren too happy with the polyester uniforms how so well they get very hot in the polyester you know it’s not a natural fiber I think they would prefer
Cotton cotton huh yeah cotton breathes you see it’s much softer imagine playing games and you team is 5° cooler than the other team don’t you think that would be an advantage they’re cooler they’re more comfortable they’re happier they’re going to play better you may have something there George oh I’ve got something cotton
Uniforms I’ll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is if you’re going out with someone your size right there you double your wardrobe I suppose oh come on that’s a huge feature when they approach a new recruit I’m sure that’s one of the big selling points Jerry
Yes I’ve been doing a lot of thinking uh-huh well I don’t think we should see each other anymore oh that’s okay what no it’s fine no problem I’ll meet somebody else really sure see things always even out for me H it’s fine anyway it’s been really nice dating you for a while and
Uh good luck yeah you too she coming around the uh who else um mooki mooki was there you know him I don’t know him I know who he is he’s such a great guy you should meet him you know he’s the one who got that H
I know he got that H he came six so so then what happened nothing and he took me home so did you two uh have U what no [Applause] milk no cookies did he kiss you good night I don’t know what do you mean get on
No all right he kissed me okay well what kind of a kiss was it a peck was it a kiss was it a long make out thing between a Peck and a make out so you like them I don’t understand before you were jealous of me now you’re jealous of him
I’m jealous of everybody hello oh hi what’s happening what oh um sure um yeah okay then uh I’ll see you then yeah yeah okay bye who is that that was Keith what’s going on he wants me to help him move help him move move what you know
Furniture so what did you say I said yes but I don’t feel right about it I mean I hardly know the gun that’s a big step in a male relationship the biggest that’s like going all the way and you feel you’re not really ready for well we went out one time don’t you
Think that’s coming on a little too strong hey what’s going on Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move what well you hardly know the guy what a nerve you see wasn’t I right about this guy didn’t I tell you oh you’re not going to do it are you
I said yes you said yes don’t you have any Pride or self-respect I mean how can you prostitute yourself like this I mean what are you going to do you’re going to start driving him to the airport I’m not driving him to the airport oh boy I
Don’t know hey Kramer do me a favor would you what don’t mention it to anybody I wish you never mentioned it to me question out of the question why no I’m not going to do that that’s one step away from personal ANS and prostitutes no no I am not going down that
Road what does she look like she’s good-look how good-looking very good-looking really good-looking really very good-looking would you take her out yes I would take her out oh you hesitated why hesitate I didn’t hesitate something’s off here you hesitated I’m telling you she’s good-looking what about the body what
Kind of body good body nice body how nice nice just nice pretty nice really good really very nice and good what about personality personality funny bright smarter than me I don’t want anyone smarter than me how could she be smarter than you all right let’s see let’s see what
Else what else oh yeah what does she do first of all what does he do he was in real estate um now he’s not working right now oh he’s not working no how no no how come he’s not working well well I mean he got fired why did he get fired
Uh oh right um well he tried to poison his boss excuse me such a long story Cynthia seriously I mean he just had some problems at work is he nuts no no no he’s a really really funny guy what does he look like paron what does he look
Um well he’s got a a lot of character in his face um he’s short um he’s stocky he’s fat is that what you’re saying that he’s fat powerful he is so powerful he can lift 100 lbs right up over his head and um what else what else oh um well
He’s he’s kind of just kind of losing his hair he’s B no no no no he’s not bald he’s balding so he will be bald yeah what kind of hair you know long dark hair flowing flowing is it flowing I like flowing cascading hair thick lustrous hair is very important for me
Thick lustrous hair is very important to me is that what you say yeah that’s right just clarify let me ask you this if you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it [Laughter] out do you want to be able to get it out
Or do you want to not be able to get it out I’d like to be able to get it out I think you’ll get it out what about the skin I need a good cheek I like a good cheek she’s got a fine cheek is there a pinkish
Hue a pinkish Hue yes a a Rosy Glow there’s a hue you got great eyebrows women killed to have her eyebrows who cares about eyebrows is she sweet I like sweet yeah but not too sweet you could throw up from that I don’t think you’ll throw up she likes to throw [Laughter] [Applause]
Up has he ever been married no has he been close he once spent a weekend with a woman he didn’t really try to poison his boss yeah he did let me ask you a question if you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his
Life yeah what are you doing we’re going out to dinner in 10 minutes you realize this is the last meal I’m going to have for 3 days yeah it’s George come on up I never heard of this you got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test how
You going to do that I don’t know how could I possibly have ulcers who could have given me ulcers I think I’ll take out the garbage hey have you ever fasted well once I didn’t have dinner to like 9:00 I’ll tell you that was pretty
Rough hey do me a favor will you throw out my garbage for me yeah right come on just down the hall give me two bucks I do it for two bucks I give you 50 cents there’s no way I touched that bag for less than $2 come
On 50s get youself a Drake’s coffee cake you’re not getting no Drake’s coffee cake for 50 cents hey I’m all set I got the ticket I’m going to the Cayman is this Friday I don’t get you who goes on vacation without a job what do you need a break from getting up at
11:00 it’s an incredible deal I don’t know why you don’t come with me I don’t go for these non-refundable deals I can’t commit to a woman I’m not committing to an airline hi Hi how are you Gina do you know what a Drake’s coffee cake is of
Course the plain cake with the Sweet Brown crumbs on the toe right how much do they cost the junior no no no the full size oh no the junior who didn’t say junior I haven’t had one of those since I was a little girl really you
Should be ashamed of yourself I want you out of here how you doing good enough boy she’s sexy isn’t she do you believe that guy what guy my neighbor oh that creepy guy yeah did he think I was flirting with her he didn’t seem too pleased maybe I’ll get a steak with
French fried onion rings you know what I just remembered something I had a dream about that guy last night this is amazing what’s so amazing you’ve seen him before I hav’t seen him for months what was the dream he was doing standup comedy in Kenna bunkport Maine this really ominous nightclub the
Stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off I think I’ve played there had a lot of other paranormal stuff happened to me you’re a little paranormal name one paranormal thing that happened to you I knew I was going to be bald your father’s bald baldness
Is inherited from the mother’s side Jerry but your mother’s bold too hey George you know my friend goes to a psychic really uh-huh we should go sometime I’d love to go make make an appointment psychics vacations how about getting a job I just got fired all right come on
Let’s get out of here I wonder what Gandhi ate before his fast I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits yeah oh yeah Gandhi love Triscuits I don’t know how anyone does this this must be so nerve-wracking how do they warm up their fingers they have a piano backstage they
Warm up on no we would have heard it what do you think they just crack their Knuckles and come out I told her we’d all go out afterwards okay sure and don’t applaud when she stops playing the first time it’s not over yet who said that’s directed at me isn’t
It is this okay can I do this [Laughter] yes Oh God something I said it’s John mik oh oh John oh hi John hi what are you doing out here oh I was just uh at this recital and Jerry put this Pez dispenser on my leg and I just started laughing oh jer’s there yeah I heard you
Guys broke up we did we did we we’re just hanging out really boy you really look great oh thank You Hey are you still friends with Richie um Appel oh Richie he’s been doing comedy in La for a couple of years it just got back a month ago he’s kind of messed up on drugs I don’t know what to do for the guy have you thought about an
Intervention what’s that know you get all his friends in a room and they confront him to try to get him into rehab it’s a very popular thing now well he’d never listen to anyone except of course Jerry he’ listened to Jerry Jerry would have to be involved he really respects [Applause]
Jerry I’m going to get right to the point uh it’s come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office is that correct who said that she did was that wrong should I not have done that I tell
You I got to plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon you know cuz I I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time you’re
Fired well you didn’t have to say it like that I I want you out of here by the end of the Day what about the whole Christmas spirit thing any flexibility there nah oh wait wait wait wait wait she wanted me to give you [Applause] this you had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman you never had sex in the office before no I once made out with someone but that’s it okay all right so you made out well that’s not sex kissing is sex kissing is not sex George Jerry hey did
Jerry leave that drink next to dicks on purpose no George over here what are you doing here I’m taking the kid out to dinner cheer him up hey jry when do you consider sex is taking place I would say uh when the nipple makes its first appearance
So uh George told me that you left the drink next to dicks on purpose nice try so guess who heckled me at the club last night Merry Christmas oh my God that’s dick dick Dick it’s Kate fear hi hide under the desk move over get off of me I have no room sh is that cas asir of course it’s cashmir what’s this how many tickets you paying today uh let’s see speeding running a red light no license no registration no plates no brake lights
No rear view mirror look at that no doors yeah I’m fighting now you know this is going to cost me over 600 bucks oh I I can’t carry change in these pants it falls out thank you that guy’s not blind so can I convince anybody to come
Down to coning island with me I got to pick up my car at the pound George I can’t believe they actually found your stolen car not only did they find it it was simonized and the front end was aligned it’s amazing so what do you say right in
The soncloud hot dog and Nathan’s on me oh you Satan I’m close to a job here it’s my second interview all right Biff Lane H you go around I can’t I’m the best man Kramer bumper cars got to go to court I’ll get in trouble what’s
The matter with you could be years till I get back to Cony Island I can’t go on the rides Alone 4 Second Street change for the D the r the 3 4 57 the C up Train see you It’s good isn’t it Yankee Bean why Yankee Bean huh don’t they have beans in the south I mean if order Yankee Bean in the South are they offended huh Yankee Bean yank bean I like my yanky bean Owen I think we have to talk I I mean uh I have to
Talk it would be nice if uh we could but whatever um don’t get me wrong I like coming here and uh feeding you and cleaning a little and paying your bills I mean that’s good stuff good stuff I have a wonderful time when I’m with you
Wonderful but at this point in my life I’m not really sure that I’m ready to make a commitment to one person I’m just not really sure that we have enough in common I mean for example I like running in the park bicycling roller skating tennis and uh
Skiing and um well I’m going to be brutally honest with you now ow it’s a [ __ ] to get here it’s two Subways I have to transfer at 42nd Street to take the Double R anyway I mean this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends these pretzels are making me [Laughter] thirsty
Oh look at that look at what she’s wearing you see what she’s wearing yeah yeah all right I can’t believe she’s walking around in that just don’t make a sing hey is that real fur oh boy it better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation good night uh you don’t care
That innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good can we talk about this some other time are you a vegetarian here we go yeah yeah I eat fish occasionally so you’re a hypocrite he I’ve eaten frogs so nobody’s perfect anyway well talk to me
When you stop eating fish fish don’t feel any pain how do you know do you communicate with fish well they’re not kept in little cages ever seen a goldfish goldfish yeah yeah I’ve seen goldfish they’re not unhappy oh yeah right swim around a bowl for two weeks
And get flushed down the toilet that’s a good life oh yeah that’s right go ahead go ahead maybe you can run over a squirrel that’s why we’re here in America you’re beautiful creamer all right excuse me this is your party right no I just live
Here can I use your phone what’s in it for me a bigger bill go for it CR sign what are you doing well I’m stuck out here on Long Island what are your thoughts about taking a ride you sure okay but don’t leave me hanging here okay great let me give you
Directions you you sure you don’t need any help no not really I’m sure he’ll be here any minute I want them out of here call I called what should I do we really appreciate this it’s 2:00 in the morning oh you got the Civil War
Book I saw some of that show it was wonderful 620 million people died thousand thousand 620,000 the horror the horror the wife keeps giving us stdy looks are you sure you gave them the right direction yes yes you sure there’s nothing we can do no I
Am not going to bed with them at our house this is ridiculous you know a friend of my fathers used to live right around here Mike wictor he sold plastic straws you know the ones you could bend them have you noticed people don’t use straws as much as they used to for some
Reason you know it doesn’t look as if your friend is coming oh he’s coming maybe you should take a look at a train Schedule I’m going to bed thanks a lot thanks great party hey how you doing H look who’s here I’m sorry hey it’s okay yeah I had the directions on the seat right next to me they they flew out the window then how did you find the place
Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive so I drove around knock knocking on everybody’s doors it had those numbers 83 17 78 13 378 1837 finally I hit it 8173 anyway thanks a lot for uh letting
Us stay here Steve I really owe you one no problem and if you’re ever in the city you know you want to come to a comedy club whatever hey I might take you up on that here’s my address in number and really thanks again well you better zip up I couldn’t
Get the top on the convertible up but it’s cold out yeah wait when we get on the expressway ever since you came back from the Army you’ve changed I swear Nelson I don’t even know who you are anymore I’m Nelson that’s not the line Jerry all right all right I’m
Sorry nothing’s changed Elma I just need more time I swear Nelson sometimes tonight when you’re not around I just go crazy thinking about you well you just need to relax maybe a hobby bowling is fun bowl is good if you’re really gross and ugly uh-oh my organs are playing in
Chess again well I’m getting a little tired of this what do you say we play one for all the marbles oh brain what are you doing you cannot beat me do you have any idea who you’re dealing with forget about it I can’t take her anymore I hate reading her stupid little acting
Scenes oh so what so you read from a little play you can’t put up with that for an hour to make me happy you’re so selfish give me 1 hour then I will take over you will not have to think for the rest of the night what about tomorrow
Morning do you have any idea what that’s like for me do you care no you don’t care so long as you get to do whatever it is you do disgust me oh go read a book enough chatter let’s play you know the only reason I’m doing
This is because you took Audrey to the hospital yeah yeah okay now uh you’re clear you got everything yeah oh wait wait wait wait wait um here what do I need this for because we’re engaged we’re engaged M Kramer this is too big it’s my mom’s
Hello oh uh hi um I’m Wanda pepper I’m Albert Pepper’s daughter my father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for us oh hello Miss pepper it’s a pleasure to meet you and you must be Professor Van Nostrand yes yes I am I read your book professor and I was
Quite intrigued by it uh yes well it’s uh very intriguing now tell me is it your contention that Shakespeare was an impostor my contention yes your contention well yes that’s my contention I heard him contend that it’s too bad about your father it was a frame up a
Fine man he spoke often of you he’s very proud of the work you’re doing uh well we’re all proud of the work I’m doing yes she does fine work your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone but I suppose I can make
An except in your case the closet’s this way how kind of you you know your father has a very extensive wardrobe I’m really happy the movie was sold out hey did you ever pretend there’s like murderers chasing you and you’re trying and see how fast you can
Get your keys out and get in your apartment I’m from witchar oh there he is hurry there he’s coming Murder coming hurry you’re that was close did you see the look on that guy’s face you were so fast with those Keo what the hell are you doing here
Jerry how are you I thought you uh were going to the movies all right that’s it hand them over what what you know what the key I want the keys you’ve lost your key privileges oh come on no come on what I thought you went to the movie it
Was sold out now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out that’s the point what point just look just give me the key just give me another chance don’t ask me I’m asking you I’m telling you you’re joking I’m serious it’s not
Going to happen again yes it will now give me those keys let go you let go come on stop it now come on Cramer oh great okay okay fine you go ahead take the keys you’re going to regret yes all right yeah Good krma was on Murphy Brown yeah are you sure yeah Murphy Brown the TV show come on will you was Murphy Brown that son of a gun something isn’t it with Candace Bergen I know I’ve always liked her remember her in conell knowledge she show her rests in that she
Not really the naked type can’t believe I miss Kramer you know he asked me to go with him to California he did yeah I turned him down how come you didn’t tell me he asked me to keep it a secret but you can never keep a secret I know this was like a
Record my previous record was when jod hsh asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together kept the lid on that for about 28 seconds well you’ve come a long way I’ve matured Hey listen it’s a night show call me and they want me to come
Out and do the show on the 28th and they’re giving me two free tickets to La you want to go a free ticket yeah in fact we could track down Kramer I always felt bad about the way he left you know that was a mess and never we should have taken back those
Keys what about accommodations all taken care of is there a meal allowance what about seat assignments could I have the kosher meal I hear the kosher meal is good and I need clothes got to get a haircut when I have to I have to refill my allergy medication do
I need a hat I need a hat don’t I can we do the universal tour they have that Backdraft exhibit now that looks very cool to me see my acting technique my personal acting technique is working with color imagine it color then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to color
See if you look through my scripts you see that all my lines have a special color so I don’t memorize language I memorize color this way I can go through red yellow green blue and you have a full pette of emotions hey didn’t I tell you to get out of here
Or did you come on let’s go well I was just uh yeah you were just nothing come on let’s go all right we’ll talk about this a little later let’s go are you an actor see you M see they had to move the car so the truck could get through right but these guys don’t trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them wild pack of teenagers huh yeah amazing how they picked you out of everyone to Terror on yeah I know I said
I said to myself Why Us you remember right sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuver well you know it’s interesting and you know under that pressure what you’re capable of right learned a lot about myself what did you do to my car I couldn’t help it elain move the mirror I
Got this combobulated oh like you ever been culated I thought you said you were a good driver no no no I never said I was a good driver I said I was a good Parker I think you said driver parck I never said driver I said paret great par
That’s not the way was will you move it up a little bit no no no no that’s in the right position no no no I was further in no you wen’t stop there that’s fine do you mind do you hey somebody better move these cars you’re
Making a commotion he s who are you never mind who I am I know who I am do you know who you are why is it every time you park a car in this block everything gets disrupted and disjointed said it’s completely his fault oh right why’d you start taking a
Bus okay George come on let’s go I’m putting in the garage the fight’s starting in 2 minutes don’t do it what are we going to do stay out here all night yes I’m not giving him the satisfaction it’s my space why do you just flip a coin already no no no
This is a matter of principle that would just be saying that anybody can just pull into any parking space any way they want well I’m making a stand here I’m saying no the head first pocket I’m not putting up with that we put up with too
Much crap in this city we’re not putting up with head first pocket you know maybe if you hadn’t been sitting there pontificating about what a great Parker you were you might have got the space so you’re against me then well he could have pulled up to that car
And backed in but he chose to go in head first no he couldn’t because the other car was already backing in no he wasn’t all that matters is who was there first oh you’re not even old enough to drive you little puke you just spit on me
Don’t you raise your voice to me you’re not my father hey Matthew hey Jerry this guy’s really a jerk how you doing okay hey how your father I hear he’s closing a store what oh no nothing what’s happened to daddy he’s going out of business no no
No no we’re not going to have any money we’re out of money no of course not of course mommy jer’s Daddy’s closing the store he’s going out of business we don’t have any money Jerry what’s the matter with you I didn’t boy I don’t know about your friend Jerry he says
Some pretty stupid things sometimes oh congratulations what for well you pregnant what you’re not pregnant no I’m not pregnant are you sure you’re not pregnant yes I’m sure that’s weird come on mat no come on Master she was pregnant hey do you think I’m a phony
What Mike thinks I’m a phony he thinks you’re a phony yeah but I can’t say anything because kramon wasn’t supposed to tell me oh you have you have to say something I can’t I told ker I was vaulting it you got to open the vault open My Vault open your Vault once I
Open the vault it ceases to be a vault you have no choice The Vault you want to know why you keep you in front first I’ll tell you why because it signals a breakdown in the social order chaos it reduces us to Jungle law when can you parkhead first never
What are you asking this guy for who’s talking to you he’s right never oh yeah what if you got 10 car lengths you have to pull all the way up to the front car I suppose if you got 10 car lengths when do you have a have 10 carets what about
Sundays and holidays huh oh pleas what’s going on here oh uh this guy tried to sneak into my space I really hate people who do that I hope you don’t let him get away with it well thank you for your support he that’s a great hat really you
Like it yeah got it out a flea market today hey George nice hat yeah thanks can I try it on no it wouldn’t F you oh surely no get out of here no come on let me try it no no stop it TR to try it on
I don’t want him to what is wrong with you you want to see there there it is run all right hey you want to try on the try on the stop I was defending you P just keep the Hat all right that’s it the fight’s already started I’m going
Upstairs who’s coming Elaine it depends on who’s going are you going I’m not going if he’s going me either I’m not going if he’s going well I’m going well if he’s going I’m not going but it’s your house I still don’t have to go I don’t want to go Jerry’s not going why
Won’t you go if I go why I’ll tell you why no don’t Jerry like you didn’t call me a phony what thanks real G Jerry first of all I think you completely misunderstood what I said I met it in a complimentary way I mean you know when people say he’s bad it really
Means he’s good that sort of thing uh you know it’s slang usern a sense man that Michael Jordan is so phony why is you tell him he B you all right come on who wants to watch the fight okay whose cars are these let’s move them let’s go uh officer can
I just explain something to you hey let’s go I’m going to right both you would take it in about 2 minutes but officer he he can’t pull in head first officer he backed up from down the street he was double parked he was sitting there all right you move your car it’s his
Face you can’t go in wait a second why can’t he go in head first he said the guy was just sitting over there what are you talking about this guy was there first but he didn’t take it hey it’s his space no it’s his space well you’re going to have to go to
The best well you’re going to have to go to work I don’t have a job neither do I [Applause] some
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