[Applause] thank you thank you good evening good evening everyone wel we update I’m Michael Chay I’m Colin Jo well Zoo announced that a 14-year-old endangered chimpanzee Nam Nia is pregnant said the zoo’s janitor she told me she was 18 the wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions
Jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lawrence’s office and unquit the makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids it teaches an important lesson it doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging the New York Times said it
Changed the answer for Monday’s wle which was fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story tough news for psychos whose first world guess is always fetus Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $44,000 in expenses every
Year the only catch is you got to do it during your 8-minute lunch break there is there is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s Health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket across his lap but hear me out maybe the blanket is because thinking about war
Gets him hard as hell well if you feel like things are a little off this week remember yesterday was Friday the 13th tomorrow is a super blood moon and according to the most annoying person you know Mercury is in retrograde is it me or does it every
Story this week sound like the opening voice over in a Mad Max movie the year is 2022 a virus rages across the planet the US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risk defaulting on its bills and look we’ve all been there you know you spend
Too much cuz Life’s Too Short then the bill comes due the bank won’t loan you money anymore then you have no choice you have to buckle down face the music and blow up your Staten Island fery for insurance money what recently tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an Umpire at the Australian
Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five set long match worse it was Deuce fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln the clam credits his longevity to staying away from the theater
A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days but still no sign of his kid a new study I tried to fly right through a new study finds that married men live a longer healthier life yeah but for what as this year’s Awards season gets
Underway there’s growing movement to get rid of the gender Cate categories of best actor and best actress and instead called him best actor and best actor who got paid less House Republicans concerned that China could use Tik Tok to illegally gather information on Americans have
Voted for a bill that could ban the app Nationwide replied Tik Tok [Applause] Users the US Energy Department concluded that Co likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory Le and not a wet market so I gave up eating bats for nothing newspapers around the country dropped the the cartoon strip Dilbert after Creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black
People live so he lives in your building huh cryptocurrency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value and now it has to legally change its name to bit ooin in fact the entire crypto Market has lost over a trillion dollar but don’t worry you can make that money back
Fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula New York New York City officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York so everybody look under your [Applause] seat the Oklahoma City’s it was announced that a new disco themed roller skating rink will open this summer in
Central Park another classic 7 TR returning to the park this summer stabbings Apple announced that after 20 years it will stop production of its iPod Touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for
Adoption led a Congressional Delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today it’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror the Biden classified document Scandal and the Trump classified document Scandal are very different but they do share one big thing in common
They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow our goddamn brains out it would have been it would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server me it was reported that last year the population of China declined by 850,000 people thanks to an increase in China’s
Leading cause of death protesting China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon Center said the bill will prevent kids from being quote blindsided by a sexualized performance in public what are you talking about drag shows don’t just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle
Gay dust on your kids I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City now I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times but that’s just what you get when you take the bus it’s really sad man it’s really sad
A new trend among younger workers is bare minimum Monday in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the work week while a new trend among World War II veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard named for its
Ability to run on water could spread harmful diseases to humans they hope to control the population by introducing a punctious pilot lizard that’s sweet it was it was reported that the James Bond books are being Rewritten to remove offensive material so the character [ __ ] Galore will now be called cter of
Plenty this week South Carolina attorney Alex murdaugh was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like will Ferell dressed as Conan O’Brien the house ethic the house Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos well thank God I’m not George Santos said George Santos Donald Trump accused Ronda Santos
Of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him Tennessee governor Bill Lee has signed a new law Banning public drag performances with a six-year prison
Sentence for repeat offenders as first predicted in the now documentary media Goes to Jail a Tennessee State digital money has collapsed infants have nothing to eat women are forced to breed men are ready to die for gasoline and we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe Kevin
SP Kevin spacy will star in a historical drama about genas Khan’s grandson said spy you had me at grandson well guys this is just in the winner of this year’s Eurovision song contest is kouch Orchestra a group from Ukraine and uh this is cool if you
Combine every member of kou or you get post Malone the Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million well I wouldn’t say reported said the IRS a member of the punk rock group [ __ ] ride which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled
The country disguised as a food delivery worker which explains this notification from door Dash you know this baby formula shortage is scary I mean babies are very sensitive you can’t just feed them anything I going try to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on
That hotwing bone the January 6 committee has subed five sitting Republican congressmen after they refused to testify voluntarily said the Republican Congressman you can’t force us to do anything we’re not pregnant Florida Governor Ronda santz has proposed a new policy permanently Banning MK mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost
Its mind Florida was a refuge of Sanity then everyone in the crowd took a hit a nitrous and bit a cop Donald Trump responded to reports that Rona s Ronda santis will run against him for the Republican nomination saying we’ll handle this the way I handle things so rough and without
Consent a Catholic nun in France who was believed to be the oldest person in the world has died at the age of 118 her cause of death was listed as answered prayer you never know col some owners of McDonald’s franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership
With cardi B especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet ass [Laughter] Patty a porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie he broke his penis and said it this is really sad ma’am broke his penis and said it went completely black
Which you know means it’s never going back the man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in Timberlands a man in Missouri a man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an Airbnb rental which will make it the first jail that
Refuses to accept black people it was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing at after years of alleged animal neglect worse the zoo is closing is being advertised that’s all you can eat that’s how he really dances too First Lady Joe Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good
Balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden but it’s mostly hold on to the railing no newspapers dro the cartoons trip effect immediately and to rub it in they’re replacing Dilbert with peanuts oops all Franklin dobert Creator Scott Adams racist rant was in response to the
Results of a poll that asked responded to the question is it okay to be white oh I’d say it’s more than just okay
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