Alright, when I was in fourth grade, I had a crush on this chick This chick was pretty popular, she was WAY out of my league This shitty drawing doesn’t really do it justice So I’m just gonna use a picture of Topanga from Boy Meets World *Pop* Yeah, that’s better
Now, in fourth grade, if you’re one of the cool kids, which I wasn’t You went to the skating rink on Friday nights And the skating ring was like a night club for fourth-graders You get your skate on You play some pinball Snort some coke in the bathroom, whatever
Now, this chick went to the skating rink every Friday night So I knew if I was gonna swoon her, I better get my ass out there, whether I got coke or not I figured I’ll show up Do a sweet Evel Knievel backflip on the skates
We’ll do a couple skate, and then we’ll get married next weekend, simple as that But there’s only one problem, my ass doesn’t know how to skate “You don’t know how to skate?” “No, David, I don’t!”
“Do you know how to shut the fuck up and let me live my life? How hard can it be?” That’s what I said [That’s what he said!] Probably with the biggest shit eating grin, I could muster I mean, I could do sweet bunny hops on my Razor scooter for Christ’s sake!
I’m practially in the X Games So David’s mom drops us off one Friday evening I’m wearing my sweet silk shirt with flames on it Because I wanted to look dangerous yet appealing I show up, I don’t even have rollerblades I just show up there with nothing but my hopes and dreams
So I had to go and rent rollerblades But they didn’t have rollerblades to rent They only have rollerskates, and not just rollerskates Ugly-ass brown 1970’s disco skates Shit my mom wore back in the day “Ah, what the hell is this shit?!” “You got anything back there with sweet flames on it or something?”
I put these damn things on, and I can hardly even stand up on them Feels like I’m wearing two fuckin’ banana peels on my feet Standing on the side of the rink, and I’m like, “Okay, it’s a little harder than I anticipated” “Maybe I should’ve practiced a little bit beforehand”
“At least have David Napoleon Dynamite me around on his bike the night before or somethin’ ” So I look across the rink, and there’s Topanga, hanging out with her girl friends “Alright, no fuckin’ way I’m skating our there, I will die!” “I will die if I go out there”
“Think I’ll just hang back by the pinball machines, put out the vibe” Nope, too late. David pushes me out there, right in the middle of the chaos I panic. My body starts to react by trying to run on the skates that are on my feet
Which is a pretty stupid fuckin’ thing to do on rollerskates I end up falling, right on my pelvis David’s over there shitting his pants Topanga sees the whole thing, she’s not even laughing She’s just got this disgusted look on her face Like she just let loose of wet fart
So I stand up, clutching my side, like I got shot by a rifle I’m shaking, I got Bambi Legs, for Christ’s sake I start to shuffle my feet back and forth and slowly scoot across the floor That’s pretty accurate on what I look like, it’s not just because I’m a shitty animator
That’s what I was doing, I skated like I had scoliosis and both my legs were broken I’m in the middle of the goddamn rink I’m scanning the room, looking for a lifeguard or some shit But it turns out they don’t have lifeguards at skating rinks, because that’s fuckin’ stupid!
I finally scuttle my ass to the side And I’m thinking, “Well, I guess I’ll just be single for the rest of my life” “Be like one of my dad’s friends..” “Go buy a station wagon and start drinking Natural Light” When all of a sudden they dim the lights
They start playing that song All My Life by K-Ci and JoJo *baby-baby-baby-baby-baby-babeeeee* *Doo-doo-doo-dooo-dooo-dooooo* *Doo-Doooooo* “Ah, shit, here comes a couple skate, I know my chance is gone” “Since I just fucking fell on my face, like a cartoon character” But then wouldn’t you know it, somebody skates up from behind me
And they grab my hand, and guess who it was… Not fucking Topanga, that’s who She’s off couple skating with Brandon, who’s way cooler than I am Dude’s got like an earring in his ear, and like a.. Nelly band-aid on his face How am I supposed to compete with that?!
No, it’s this other chick in my class, Terrica And she’s like 8 feet taller than me She drags me out on the floor She’s holding my hand the way a father holds his infant son’s hand And I’m like, “Woah, woah, wait a minute! You don’t wanna do this, I skate like FDR!”
“You don’t wanna do this at all!” And she just drags me out there anyways And we’re flying! We’re zooming through everybody! My skates aren’t even touching the ground We look like the Advance to St. Charles Place chance card in Monopoly My friends are watching from a distance
As the skyscraper of girl Napoleon Dynamites me around the skating rink *Singing* [Aaaaaaaaall mmmmmmmmyyyy liiiiiife] “OH MY GOD!” *Keeps singing* The song ends, we get back She, like, spanks my ass and is like, “Good show!” “Stay gold, Ponyboy!” And just skates off
My friends are sitting there, making fun of me for the circus act that they just watched out there I don’t even care, ’cause who did they couple skate with? Nobody. I couple skated! I mean, look at me, I’m wearing this stupid flame shirt with my disco skates, for Christ’s sake
I’m lucky people are even in the same building as me So here’s to you, Terrica, Thanks for dragging me around that bitch Making me look like a prince And Topanga, well, you can kiss my ass, how about that? https://www.brewstew.com/ Special thanks to: [These wonderful people] & All the other patrons! https://patreon.com/brewstew https://facebook.com/brewstewcom https://twitter.com/brewstewfilms
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